A Friend Like Me

The pain of it all, the rise and the fall,
I see it all in you
Now everyday I find myself saying,
I want to get lost in you, I'm nothing without you
Lost In You - Three Days Grace

I clutched the letter in my hand as I sat in the taxi on the way to the airport. I read it over again and again, memorizing it, eventually. Even then, however, I kept reading it. The black letters, in the form of Joe's sloppy handwriting, stood smoothly and clearly on the white notebook paper.

It was still in my hand as I said my goodbyes to Emma (she was going on a different flight). I thought about it as I stood at the security checkpoint, waiting for my turn. It played in my head like a song that constantly played.

Unlike a song stuck in your head, however, this was much more pleasant.

I'm going to come after Joe. If he's not at New York – my stomach lurched at the thought – then I'll go to L.A. myself.

He deserves it.

I bounced lightly on the balls of my feet, unable to contain my anxiety. Closing my eyes, counting slowly, and taking deep breaths calmed me down for a while. But in a few minutes, I was hastily picking up my one bag, my heart racing with apprehension again. And then in my uneasiness, I bought a couple of Czech chocolates – Orian, Fidorky, Tatranky – in a completely illogical way to calm myself down.

I tapped my fingers impatiently on my knees. I needed to get to Joe now. I needed to see him; unfortunately, I had a nine-hour flight ahead of me. Jiggling my foot, I breathed a short sigh of impatience and tilted my head back, my eyes closed.

Finally, it was boarding time. After showing the employees my ticket and passport, I quickly walked to my seat, more nervous than I was.

I think this is the most anxious I’ve ever been. I don’t think I was ever this anxious, even during the SATs, ACTs, and the AP tests.

I reached for my Samsung Behold (the one I had in New York, but had no signal here, save for the airport, for some reason) to call my mom and immediately saw my missed calls.

Missed calls: 5
New voicemail: 5

My eyebrows raised and my breath hitched. The messages, all from Joe, rung in my ear:

“Hey, Av. I miss you already and you haven’t been gone for an hour, even. I’m sorry for everything. Just…please forgive me.”

“Ava, I miss you. So much. I’m sorry for not noticing you earlier. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize what you realized a long time ago. I’m just – I’m so sorry, Av. Please.”

“Av, I know you and I know you pretty much never forgive, but can you please forgive me? I’m so sorry and I just – I hate myself for leaving you out there in the cold and for realizing you’re a girl after so many years. I’m just – do you even listen to my messages? Well…bye.”

“Hey, Av. I know you probably don’t want to see me, but…but I’m coming after you. I’m coming there – to Prague. I don’t care if you throw stuff at me, I just want to see you. I just want to make everything right. I’m boarding the plane right now. Just…can you listen to what I have to say? Well, I’ll see you.”

On the last message, Joe sounded close to tears, his voice wavering.

“Well, Av…I guess it’s all over? I’ll miss you and I’ll never forget you. I mean, you’ve been part of the last seventeen years of my life. Sorry for yelling at you on the phone. Sorry for everything.” He sniffled, clearing his throat. “I hope you’ll be happy with James. I was wrong. He deserves you. He’ll never – he’ll never do what I did. He’ll never hurt you and he’s perfect for you. So…bye, Ava.”

I covered my mouth and wiped my tears away underneath my glasses. I listened to the messages once, twice, thrice before saving them all.

But listening to the last message crushed my hopes that Joe would be waiting for me in New York. Now, there was no way he’d be there – he thought I never wanted to see him again, that I was off being happy with James.

I stood up, ready to change my flight. I’m going to L.A.

I walked up to the stewardess, shoulders squared, determined to get to Joe, no matter what it took.

“Do you need anything?” she asked me, locking the plane door.

With it, all determination vanished. I mean, now that the door’s closed, I can’t catch a flight to Joe.

And taking a flight to New York, then another one to L.A. and then back?

Excess carbon emission, my friend.

“Nothing,” I muttered. “Never mind.”

“Well,” she said skeptically, “okay. Could you please take your seat? The plane will taxi soon.”

I walked dejectedly toward my seat again, hoping that Joe would be waiting for me at New York.

So, I called him.

“Pick up,” I whispered as I tapped my foot impatiently, “pick up, pick up, pick up, pick –“

“Hello, hello, it’s Joe! You know what to do on these voice mail messages things!”

The beep sounded.

“Uh, hey, Joe,” I said timidly. “I, uh, I miss you. Joe, I miss you and I – I’m sorry for everything, too. I wish you’re waiting for me in New York right now, but…I wouldn’t blame you if you weren’t. The plane’s about to take off now, so…uh…bye.”

I leaned back on the headrest, closing my eyes and gripping the armrests tightly as I waited for the flight to take off.

I wanted to leave my phone on, so I could answer it if Joe called me back, but the stewardess told me to turn it off. Plus, rules are rules, so whatever.

Don't get me wrong, I can be completely patient if I want to be. I mean, I waited five years for Joe to notice me, haven't I?

It's just that nine hours feels like nine decades right now. Or nine decades.

I drummed my fingers against the armrest as the plane took off. As it did, it seemed my anxiety rose even more along with it (which I didn't really know was possible).

After I was sure that three hours had passed, I checked my watch, only to find out that only one had passed.

I closed my eyes, trying to fall asleep. It was hopeless, however, and I found myself closing my eyes for what seemed to be hours, then checking my watch.

Slowly, but surely, it did pass, though.

And just as it did this whole time without Joe, it was like someone rigged the clocks to go much more slower than normal. There was seven hours left…six…four (more than halfway there…come on!)…two (almost there)…one (please let Joe be there, waiting for me…please).

The second it was safe, my seatbelt became unbuckled. As soon as I could, I was out of my seat and walking quickly through the airplane.

The thing is, I'm so ready to see Joe, that it's getting ridiculous.

Don't get me wrong, though…I really don't mind how ridiculous I'm being.

“Have a great time in New York!” my flight attendant told me as I strode past her.

“Yeah, thanks!” I said hurriedly, beaming at her for a second. However, I went back on my hasty way a moment later.

Please be there…please be there.

Unable to take it anymore and unable to hold in my dignity, I broke into a run, sprinting the fastest I ever had in my entire life. I only slowed down once I got to the escalators, although I would have sprinted down that, too, if it weren't crowded.

I tapped my fingers impatiently on the elevator rails, a smile worming onto my face as I imagined Joe's smiling face waiting for me downstairs. I imagined his lips curling into a smile as his strong arms curled around my waist.

I looked down at the level below me and scanned the crowd. Then, finally, I spotted the people I know – my parents, Mr. and Mrs. Jonas, Frankie, Kevin and Danielle, Nick…

…and no Joe.

My smile fell, taking my spirits down along with it. I felt more and more heartbroken as the escalator descended and with a heavy heart, stepped off the escalator and walked to the people waiting.

“Hey,” I greeted quietly.

“We missed you!” my mother informed me as she hugged me.

“Yeah, I missed you guys, too,” I said, a little happier now, after seeing my parents and (most) of the Jonai.

But still heavy-hearted.

“Where's Joe?” I asked quietly as Nick hugged me.

“No idea,” Nick replied. “He was still in his room the last time I saw him…Mom was so mad. She said something about how he hasn't seen you for five months and how he's not even going to bother to…”

“…So, in other words, he's still in California?” I finished softly, pulling away.

Nick nodded. “Yeah…sorry.”

I shook my head, trying to hold back the tears. “No, it's fine. I'll just…go to him whenever I can.”

Kevin hung up his phone, which he had apparently been talking to. “Joe still won't answer his phone,” he said, sounding annoyed.

“I have no idea what's going on with that boy now,” Mrs. Jonas said. “I don't understand why he wouldn't be here…of course, I've heard about – well, about some events that happened at New Year's Eve, but…” her voice drifted off.

“It's fine,” I said, “I'll just call him later or something.” I smiled to reassure everyone that everything between Joe and me was going extremely smoothly, and not…well, what they are right now. Lies, lies, more lies, Prague, James Brown, Demi Lovato, and a letter and some messages.

Although I do love the letter and I think it's so sweet of him.

“Are you hungry?” Mom asked me. “When was the last time you ate? You look thin, were you not eating?”

“Um,” I said, “no.”

So after a trip to Starbucks, I found myself in a cab, accompanied with everyone who met with me at the airport.

“Well, we'll see you later,” Dad said, “for dinner at Battery Gardens?”

“Yeah,” I said, unbuckling my seatbelt. “I'll see you guys later!”

“Be sure to get some rest!” Mom called after me as I walked to my apartment building, dragging my luggage with me. “And to shower! And unpack!”

“Yeah, I know!” I yelled back as the cab drove away. “Bye!”

I sighed, my mind on the fact that Joe didn't show up. Inside my jacket, my finger touched Joe's letter. Head low, I entered the building and hauled my baggage to the small elevator. I couldn't help but think about the way Joe and I used to race to the elevator buttons.

He didn't even call me.

As the elevator lurched upwards, I let a few tears escape. Being able to see semi-fine without them, I took my glasses off, placing them in the case, and wiped the tears away with the back of my hand.

By tonight, I decided, I'll be at Grand Central or JFK, buying a plane or a train ticket to L.A. I was determined to see Joe, determined to apologize about everything that happened between us. I mean, Joe's family and my family would probably understand.

With a heavy heart, I stepped out of the elevator and sauntered toward my apartment. Gathering up my belongings, I pushed open my door after unlocking it. As soon as I entered, however, my jaw dropped in surprise.

Because after seeing me, Joe stood up from the couch.

“Hey, Ava,” he said, after taking a deep breath.