Sugar & Spice

*Rosie's Point of View

I shoved the dorm door so hard that it banged off the wall and nearly slammed back to hit me in the face, but it didn't matter.

"So STUPID!" I shouted, my voice cracking twice.

I punched the first thing I came to, which was Lily's bedpost, and felt my knuckles break.

It didn't matter.

I was so hurt and angry that I didn't notice tears streaming down my face as I destroyed everything I could get my hands on.

I knew I shouldn't have trusted him! Why didn't I listen to my gut for once?

A few minutes later and with all the knuckles on both my hands broken I had to stop. I collapsed on my bed and stared at the floor, my jaw clenched against the pain in my hands.

I almost couldn't believe it.

I'd trusted him, and I'd been ready to finally open up for him, and then…I closed my eyes and winced as the image of him kissing that girl flashed through my mind.

Bastard.

That, more than anything else that had ever happened to me before, taught me what happened when you let someone in. They hurt you.

And Sirius Black had definitely hurt me.

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Five days had passed and I'd avoided the Marauders like I'd never avoided anyone before.

James and Remus tried in vain to tell me that it hadn't been Black's fault, that the girl, Helen McDougall had come on to him, but I wasn't having any of it.

"You're just as bad as each other!" I shouted at James one time after he'd waylaid me just as I was emerging from the girl's toilets on the second floor. "Why can't you leave me alone?"

I'd brushed past him then, leaving him standing speechless by the toilets until Moaning Myrtle came hurtling out and shocked him into moving.

"You've got it all wrong!" He'd hollered after me just as I was rounding the corner, but to my relief he hadn't followed me.

Every single time I saw Black I had this horrible, wrenching feeling in my chest, my face heated up and my mouth went dry.

I hated him for it.

I hated this power he seemed to have over me, this ability to make me feel like I now had nothing, and that nothing was important anymore.

Even though I tried my utmost not to let it show, Lily noticed almost immediately, though she didn't say anything until a few days later.

She found me standing outside my Charms classroom, staring at the portrait opposite me, which depicted a dashing wizard and swooning witch riding a unicorn.

I found that rather ironic.

She placed her hand on my shoulder and I winced, turning around, before I breathed a sigh of relief that it wasn't one of the Marauders again.

I think I might've snapped if it had been.

"What's going on with you, Rosie? You've been acting so strangely for the last few days. It has something to do with Black, doesn't it?" She pressed shrewdly, and I nodded wordlessly, turning back to watch the figures in the portrait laughing and flirting. I gritted my teeth.

"He's a fucking twat," I said suddenly. "He chea – no – I finally wanted to, you know…maybe get involved, and then I walked in with him on this Helen McDougall girl. He was the one who wanted me to meet him at that exact time, in that exact place! Is he completely stupid or something? Didn't he think I'd see him?" I said it quickly, thinking it wouldn't hurt so much say it that way. I was wrong.

"Oh, Rosie," She said, and then pulled me into a hug, rubbing my back for a couple of seconds.

"It's fine," I said, keeping my face free of emotion. "I mean, I always knew he was a bit of a bastard, didn't I?" She twisted her mouth at that, like she wanted to say something. "What?"

"Rosie, you're so oblivious!" She burst out, "He loves you! Why would he do something like that?"

I brushed aside the first part of what she'd said, not wanting to think about it.

"So I'm a liar?" I asked heatedly. "I saw him, Red!"

"Yes, but he said that she kissed him -"

"Such bullshit." I laughed humourlessly and looked down at my hands.

I wanted to believe it, too, but the chances of that being what actually happened were slim to none; once a player always a player as my brother used to say.

And Sirius Black was the biggest player in the school.

She seemed to consider it for a second, looking at all the students as they brushed past, some talking excitedly with their friends, others walking alone, hefting heavy book bags.

"Yes," She said softly, and then cut me off when I went to speak. "No, seriously. Look, you might not believe it, but I can see it in his eyes when he looks at you Rosie. He doesn't see you as a piece of ass, and even if he did kiss that girl – don't look at me that way – he's kicking himself now."

"So? It's not my fault," I never wanted to speak to him again, the wanker.

Lily saw the stubbornness peaking through my deliberately blank expression and sighed.

"Just think about it okay? I know you'll feel much better once you can speak to 'the Marauders' again," She said, making air quotations and grinning. I gave her a small smile, but inside my mind was reeling.

I had so many thoughts in my head, but none of them wanted to resolve. I pressed my fingers to my temples and rubbed vigorously, suddenly wanting to go to bed.

"I'll see you later, Red. I'm going to go and sleep. Would you tell Flitwick I've got the hurdy-gurdies or something?" She gave me a small smile and nodded and I took off down the corridor, passing Remus and Peter on the way. Remus opened his mouth to speak to me, but I ducked my head and didn't stop, and he didn't say anything.

I gave the fat lady the password and climbed into the common room. I glanced around to see who was inside and my stomach plunged unpleasantly.

"Tammie!" Black shouted, spotting me immediately, but I threw one look at him and took the stairs as fast as I could. "Why in Merlin's dirty pink knickers won't you listen to me?" He yelled angrily. "I haven't even done anything, for fuck's sake!"

I ignored him and slammed my door when I reached my dorm, drowning out his shouting.

I threw myself on my bed and buried my head in my pillow, willing the troublesome thoughts to leave, but of course, being my thoughts, they didn't.