Counting down the days

I tossed and turned in an unsettled sleep for hours. I gladly welcomed the piercing screams of my alarm. I flung my arm down and hit the off button rolling out of bed. I clambered to the bathroom and turned on the shower, washing away all of the sleep and dirt.

Once I was dressed in a pair of jeans and a band tee I went and grabbed a bowl of coco pops. I walked around at a slow pace, its my day off. A day free off of the insults, the abuse. Yet another day stroked off, four days left. I don’t want it to end yet, nobody really wants to die, unless it truly un-liveable. Even if there is one person in the world who really helps me out. Who cares for me. Matt. He cares for me and means the world to me. No. In fact he is my world. If it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be here. I would have been gone a long time ago.

I plodded around the apartment cleaning little messes and placing everything in its rightful place. I was submerged in my mind. In my world, the one where all of my problems are gone. One where they cant harm me. I was snapped out of my world when a key unlocked the door. Matt walked in, he shut the door with a slight thud and placed his key on the small table. I walked through to see him. I felt a small smile on my face the second I saw him. My rock. The one person in this world that keeps me here. He opened his arms for a hug as I [strike] walked[/strike] skipped over to him. I fitted snugly into his arms and gave him a hug.

We never say anything until after the hug on a Wednesday. Its almost like a ritual, an unspoken rule. No pun intended. As I pulled away from the hug I looked up into him as he was already looking down at me. Hey I’m not that small. I’m what I like to call fun sized. Or at least that’s what I say when people comment on my height, well I would if people talked to me.

I shook my head and threw away those thoughts, I cant keep thinking about that. No. Bad thoughts lead to bad things. But I suppose they cant get worse than that. Nothing can get worse than death really. A sigh escaped my lips and Matt looked at me.

"Something bothering you" I was hoping to avoid this, he doesn’t like seeing me down in the dumps not after what happened last time. No, he tries to prevent that from ever happening,

"No," I lied. Maybe this time he will buy it. Probably not, but its worth a try.

"Its your thoughts again, come on, lets go to the park" I hate the fact that he can read me like and open book. Its great at times but horrid at others. He grabbed my hand gently and lead me to the park, when we got there I sat down on one of the swings and gently moved on it. Looking at me feet. Just simply swaying back and fore. Trying to escape. Escape this plague of life. I must have made something really bad for this to happen. It was my fault. I probably did something really stupid to my parents, and the rest of my family. That’s why they don’t want me, they never did. I remember my family screaming at me most days, saying I was a mistake and that they should have taken my to an orphanage. That’s probably where I belonged, no. Not there because then I would have mucked up someone else’s life. That’s why I was put here, to muck up, to be a living disaster, That’s all I am. A disaster, a plague on life, a monster.

I don’t know how long we sat there in silence before Matt spoke up.

“Its cold, come on lets get you home” I was pulled out of my thoughts as I got out of the swing. Looking up at the stars I saw one fly across the sky. I shut my eyes and made a wish. Matt told me to make on as well, or he started to but he saw my looking up, eyes clamped shut wishing. I made my wish to end this, but of course I never told him. If you tell a wish it never comes true, never. In fact the very opposite happens. I continued walking back to my place, some called there places to stay heaven, others mansions. Me, well lets just say that in that song they nailed it. “He called his mansion not a house but a tomb” But I suppose all songs have at least one thing that’s true to at least one person. Somewhere in this world. They always have a powerful meaning.

We got to my house and I threw of my shoes, I didn’t say anything. I was in a state really. I have been looking at the pro’s and con’s of breathing. And yes that is another powerful meaning from a song but anyway. My pro’s of breathing are short. I think its only one. I have my Matt to keep me stable, He is there for me and I am there for him. My con’s however, that is a long list. I am insignificant, I am a waste of space, I help no one, I just get in the way, I am an empty body with no use, I rely on everyone around me, I am racking up a large hospital bill others could us the money on worth while people, I don’t deserve a life. I shouldn’t be here, I should have died many years ago. If only I was successful. I wouldn’t be a plague on others lives.

A tear slipped down my cheek when I realised just how much of a failure I am. Good thing its over now, but that’s the thing. Do I really want this curse to beat me, or do I need to prove to myself that it can be beaten. To be honest I want to beat but I cant, its winning, just like everything else in my life.