Counting down the days

I threw my body up, awake. After yet another nightmare. They’re all the same, people in my past dying. And its always my fault, I know, I shouldn’t feel like this, they left me, disowned me, abandoned me in my time of need. Tears ran down my face in a steady stream. I moved my hand up and tries to wipe them away but more just came. A sob racked my body as I sat up in bed crying. I cant keep doing this, I should move on. Even if it is for a day or two.

After a while the tears started to slow. My vision was no longer as blurry. The red light from the clock stood out more. 6:45am. There is no point in going back to sleep. I dragged myself out of bed and through to the bathroom. I turned the shower on and the temperature up to max. I clambered in and scrubbed away the dirt, and the memories. My skin was beginning to get blotchy. When the water went cold I stepped out and wrapped a fluffy blue towel around me, before getting ready for another day of work, or hell, same thing really.

Locking up the tomb I call home I shuffled my feet and went to that place I call work. I hung up my mac and tied my apron. Signifying the start. After giving all of the tables a quick check and once over I flipped the sign.

The whole place was dead until the lunch rush. Once again collage-students filled into the place and the booths filled up with bodies. The once quiet, peaceful and calming atmosphere left abruptly. The very second they all entered, the whole room resembled a riot scene. Loud obnoxious people filled the booths while the sound of chairs scrapping the ground could be heard. I started running around trying to serve everyone. I was being shouted at by the students. Hurry. Hurry. Its almost as if they are chanting. Tormenting. Bringing me down. Not letting me get back up. The insults have started.

All the way through the rush I grinned and just put up with it. Trying not to show the pain. I had to blink several times so that the tears never fell. I was relived when the last lot walked out. Taking with them the scene. The cries of joy. The laughter. The torment. The insults. I wiped down the tables, swept the floor and replaced napkins. My whole body moved in a robotic pattern while my head was left to wander. To contemplate my thoughts. Life. Death. Everything that’s in between. Hell. Heaven. Tragedy. Blessing. Fate. Diseases. Cures. The whole lot.

After a while I decided. This disease was fate. That’s why the cure didn’t work. Nothing can stop fate. Some may say that my life could be seen as a tragedy. No this is a blessing. Everyone’s lives have some sort of tragedy. Its one of those things from the in between stage. I mean life cant be all sunshine and daisies before death. Something has to happen. The question is though, will I go to heaven or hell. Am I being punished? Or am I just unlucky? Is this part of the worlds butterfly effect. Someone on the other side of the world has the perfect life. While me. Well, look at it. The only good thing in my life is the fact that my best friend never gave up on me. Even when everyone else did. And for that I am grateful. But he doesn’t deserve this. He doesn’t deserve to be dragged down by me. I’m stopping him from him living his life. A worthless, useless, waste of space, a doomed soul. Me. I am the pain and disaster in his life while he is the only good thing in mine. A mirror image.

My mind wandered until it was time to close. Time to leave. Time to retreat to the tomb. I locked up the dinner and let my feet guide me home. The moon lighting my way home. I love the moon. Its so white and bright. So whole and innocent. it’s a beacon. It holds my hope. I put all of my hope there a long time ago. “Hey moon, Please forget to fall down, Hey moon, don’t you go down” As I walked down the streets there was little life. The street was soundless. Nothing. There was a glass bottle rolling across the ground from the ally mouth. I pulled my collar up and hid my face before quickening my pace. Faster. Faster, until I reached the safe retreat of my home.

My hands fumbled with the keys. Struggling to open the door. I flicked the keys when it finally went in straight. My feet touched the soft carpet as I shut the door. My back fell against the door as I let out a huge sigh. My eye’s closed as I did so. I locked the door and placed my bag on the table along with my key’s. I went through to my bedroom and collapsed onto the bed. My face smacked the pillow and it muffled the slight sobs. The memories and thoughts flooded in and over me as I lay on the bed. I closed my eyes tightly in hope that they would leave. Run away. Get chased away. Die.