Conventional
Twelve
“It’s me… you weren’t in school today so I figured I’d call and see if you’re okay…And um…it’s Friday so…call me if you want me to stop by.”
“I know I fucked up. Call me back, please?”
“Zack honestly, I really need to talk to you. I can’t stand the fact that you’re mad at me – or maybe you hate me. I don’t know. I love you, okay?”
“Please call me. I don’t care how late it is – it’s not like I can sleep. I need to talk to you. I need to explain myself – Zack, I need you.”
Every time my phone rings, I know who it is. Every time it beeps, telling me I have another voicemail, I pick it up and listen to it. Then I cry. It’s a pattern, and it’s pathetic, but I can’t stop. For some reason, his voice makes me feel slightly better – and then once he hangs up, I remember what he did.
My family has tried their best to make me feel better, but it doesn’t help very much. There’s nothing they can really say right now to make me forget. Actually, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget.
When my phone beeps once again, I pick it up and dial my voicemail. By the time I put my password in, my hands are shaking and the tears are threatening to spill over again – but then I hear his voice.
“Zack…I told Jack everything. It’s nearly 2AM, and I called him up and I told him everything. I just… I really want you to know how sorry I am for what I said…. I didn’t mean it. I really didn’t. I … I’m scared, Zack. I’m not strong, like you are. I’m scared that my friends are going to turn on me. But I guess that doesn’t even really matter anymore… I don’t have you, so why should anything else matter?”
Once I hear the woman’s voice telling me to ‘press 7 to delete’, I break. I quickly call him before I change my mind. It rings for about a second before he answers.
“Zack?” His voice is desperate, and I can tell that he’s been crying.
“Alex I – I don’t know what to do.”
“I just want you to forgive me… I should never have kept up with this stupid thing. I should have come out the second we got together. Then I never would have hurt you.”
Even though he’s apologized about five times, I just can’t bring myself to say ‘I forgive you’. They're three simple words that I just can’t say. Because really, who’s to say he won’t just turn around and do this again?
“Alex…”
“You have no idea how fucking mad I am at myself, Zack. Jack told me I should be ashamed of myself – he’s right. I should be.”
Just because he told Jack does not mean that he’s going to tell the rest of his friends.
“I don’t know what I should do right now,” I admit quietly.
He sighs on the other end, “Just come to school on Monday, Zack. That’s all I’m asking of you right now. Come to school, and I won’t disappoint you again.”
“I know I fucked up. Call me back, please?”
“Zack honestly, I really need to talk to you. I can’t stand the fact that you’re mad at me – or maybe you hate me. I don’t know. I love you, okay?”
“Please call me. I don’t care how late it is – it’s not like I can sleep. I need to talk to you. I need to explain myself – Zack, I need you.”
Every time my phone rings, I know who it is. Every time it beeps, telling me I have another voicemail, I pick it up and listen to it. Then I cry. It’s a pattern, and it’s pathetic, but I can’t stop. For some reason, his voice makes me feel slightly better – and then once he hangs up, I remember what he did.
My family has tried their best to make me feel better, but it doesn’t help very much. There’s nothing they can really say right now to make me forget. Actually, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget.
When my phone beeps once again, I pick it up and dial my voicemail. By the time I put my password in, my hands are shaking and the tears are threatening to spill over again – but then I hear his voice.
“Zack…I told Jack everything. It’s nearly 2AM, and I called him up and I told him everything. I just… I really want you to know how sorry I am for what I said…. I didn’t mean it. I really didn’t. I … I’m scared, Zack. I’m not strong, like you are. I’m scared that my friends are going to turn on me. But I guess that doesn’t even really matter anymore… I don’t have you, so why should anything else matter?”
Once I hear the woman’s voice telling me to ‘press 7 to delete’, I break. I quickly call him before I change my mind. It rings for about a second before he answers.
“Zack?” His voice is desperate, and I can tell that he’s been crying.
“Alex I – I don’t know what to do.”
“I just want you to forgive me… I should never have kept up with this stupid thing. I should have come out the second we got together. Then I never would have hurt you.”
Even though he’s apologized about five times, I just can’t bring myself to say ‘I forgive you’. They're three simple words that I just can’t say. Because really, who’s to say he won’t just turn around and do this again?
“Alex…”
“You have no idea how fucking mad I am at myself, Zack. Jack told me I should be ashamed of myself – he’s right. I should be.”
Just because he told Jack does not mean that he’s going to tell the rest of his friends.
“I don’t know what I should do right now,” I admit quietly.
He sighs on the other end, “Just come to school on Monday, Zack. That’s all I’m asking of you right now. Come to school, and I won’t disappoint you again.”
♠ ♠ ♠
Sorry this took so freakin long. So much got in the way, and I really was in a weird place for a while. But I'm back, and here you go :) Sorry it's so short!