Love Is Only a Myth

My life was like this for a while. By a while I mean a week or so. I would somehow run into Anthony and I would walk the other way or ignore him. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to talk to him, because I did. I wanted to talk to him more than anything, but I couldn’t.

I didn’t know what to say to him. It was already awkward enough for me to just see him, I couldn’t imagine what I would say to him.

In fact I was still confused about the whole situation. I didn’t know what to think anymore. I didn’t know whether I should be mad at him or just accept it. Then again I couldn’t accept it, I still donn’t know what love is. If it’s as true as everyone says it is. Then why isn’t that I can’t find it. Why is it that I can’t find one real example of it.

I guess that I could start off a conversation by asking him if we’re still together. Then again that’s just asking for an awkward situation. If he says no or something like why would you think that we’re still together, then there’s no way that you can come back from that.

Leah and Sam keep trying to get me to talk to him but I can’t. Scarlet is….around. She’s here sometimes and sometimes she’s not. So I guess she’s back to normal. I guess since I didn’t hang out with her unless we were going to a party or something together I didn’t care whether she was here or not.

“Are you sure that you don‘t want to come to the game today?” Leah asked. Leah and Sam were trying to convince me to go to the football game today. It was Saturday so practically everyone was going to be there. Football is a big deal here.

It wasn’t as if I was depressed about everything that was going on. Okay, it wasn’t as if I was showing how upset I was. Only Leah and Sam knew that I was still upset about it, but that because they are my best friends so they know far to well. There was just something that I had decided to do, something that I hadn’t done in a long time. Something that I’m hoping will help me better my situation.

“No thanks guys, I‘m fine here” I hadn’t told Sam and Leah what I was going to do. They would ask me why I felt the need to do this. Then I would have to tell them that I was looking for an example of love and that would lead to reactions that I’m not exactly ready for.

“No Lex. You need to have some fun and stop moping” Sam argued.

I rolled my eyes and laid down on my bed. “I‘m fine you guys really. I promise that when you come back I won‘t be hanging from the shower rod, okay?”

“What about the window?” Sam joked.

“Ewe don‘t do the window that‘s like so cliché” Leah added in a valley girl tone.

I snapped my fingers and pouted. “So much for that”

Sam and Leah both shook their heads and laughed. “Okay but promise us that your not going to sit around and think about it then entire time that we‘re at the game alright” Leah said.

“I promise”

The nodded before saying there goodbyes and walking out of the room. Once they were gone I surveyed the area. I made sure that there wasn’t anything that they left, that would mean that they would have to come back. I know that what I’m about to do is not that serious but I would rather do it on my own than to have my friends here listening to every word that I say. Don’t get me wrong, I love there support, but sometimes it’s good to do things on your own.

Once I saw that they didn’t leave anything, I picked up my phone off of my nightstand. I scrolled through the contacts until I reached the R’s.

I sat there for a moment staring at my phone. Thinking about everything that could happen with this one phone call. A phone call that I should have made before but haven’t due to the fact that I normally couldn’t reach the person on the other end. I took a deep breath to prepare myself. It’s now or never. This is something that I need to know.

I pressed the call button and brought the phone up to my ear. The phone rang twice before someone answered. “Hello Rehabilitation Center of--” “Um.. hi” I interrupted. I didn’t enjoy being reminded of where it was that I was calling. It didn’t help ease the pain at all.

“I was wondering if there was anyway that I could get in touch with….Rachel Jacobs?” I questioned. I heard the ruffling of papers and the sound of the receptionist asking someone a question. I started to tap my index finger on my thigh out of nervousness. If she said no then I had no where else to turn. If she says yes then I’m going to be talking to someone who I haven’t spoken too in a while.

“You‘re in luck Miss. Ms. Jacobs is available, I‘ll patch you through to her right now”

“Thanks” I mumbled. My heart rate began to increase rapidly. I started to take deep breaths in order to relax myself. I didn’t have anything to worry about. Everything would go fine. I’m worrying over nothing.

Soon I heard the sound of a phone being picked up. “Hello?” the familiar voice answered.

“Um…..h-hey mom”

I heard a gasp on the other end of the phone. “Alexis?”

“Yeah” I said with a slight chuckle.

“Oh my goodness, is something wrong sweetie?”

“Well yes but it‘s nothing serious just regular teenage drama”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I smiled at her comment. My mother may be going through a tough time but she always cares about me. Anytime she hurt me, she was to drunk to function. She had never hurt me until she had started drinking uncontrollably, which is why I don’t hold a grudge against her for it.

That and my mom and I were always close. I guess since I lived with her I’m closer to her then I am to my dad. In fact I’m not close to my dad because of the fact that my mom’s in rehab. If he hadn’t of gotten remarried that slut then my mom wouldn’t be in rehab right now.

“Actually mom I want to talk about……you and dad”

“Oh” there was silence on her end of the phone. I didn’t bother to break it. I was going to wait for her to break it. “Are you sure that you don‘t want to talk about your situation”

A gave a small laugh. “Well this relates to my situation mom”

“Well okay then, what do you want to know?”

I took a deep breath to prepare myself. I had to ask the question. If I didn‘t then I would never be able to find an example, or even know where to look for an example. My parents are the very reason why I don‘t believe in love so it makes since to start from the beginning. I‘ve given everything else a try, so I have no other choice but to start from the beginning. “Well I want to know…..why you still love dad…and how you could still love dad after what he did to you”

I heard my mother sigh on her end of the phone. “Sweetie….it‘s complicated”

“I don‘t think it‘s complicated. You move on and forget about him, the same way that he-- I mean you move on” I corrected. I was a bit skeptical about whether I should say it or not. My mother is already in rehab because of it. I wouldn’t want her to have a relapse all because of something that I had said to her.

“It‘s not that simple sweetie. You can‘t just move on when you love someone”

How can she honestly believe that? My father had easily moved on, so did he just not love her to begin with. Once again I had to correct myself. I was close to saying that my father had moved on but luckily I hadn’t. I’m not understanding what she’s saying. So does this mean that my dad never loved her to begin with?

“I know what your thinking sweetie and it‘s okay for you to say it. Yes your father moved on and yes he said that he loves me, but not everyone moves on at the same pace”

I immediately tensed up at what she had said. Eric immediately came into my head once the words left her mouth. He was apparently still “in love” with me even though I had moved on to Anthony. What she was saying was true. People do move on at a different pace than the other person.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “Love is far to complicated to understand”

My mother’s laugh rang into my ear. “Not always sweetie”

“How can anything this complicated be real?” I mumbled. I had meant to think my thought but my lips thought other wise. They felt as if my mother needed to know that I didn’t believe in love.

“What was that sweetie?”

I sighed and laid down on my back. I started at the ceiling. I might as well get it over with. There’s no point in hiding it. “I don‘t believe in love mother” I replied in a monotone.

I was expecting my mother to say something along the lines of why or oh my goodness or a reaction that would be unpleasant. I expected her to begin to lecture me about it and tell me how wrong I was, but it didn’t happen. My mother didn’t lecture me or even asked me why. Instead she just replied with a simple, I see.

I furrowed my brows together. Why isn’t she questioning me? Why isn’t see lecturing me? Why is she being so calm about this entire thing? I sat upright on my bed and crossed my legs. “You‘re not going to ask me why?”

“I know why. It‘s because of me and your father right?”

“Well…um…yeah”

My mother chuckled. “Sweetie you should--” “Base my own beliefs on someone else‘s experiences right?” I interrupted.

“Well that‘s not what I‘m doing anymore” I began “I‘m trying to see what it is that everyone else see‘s. I‘m trying to see why people are so confident that it‘s real, you know find an example, but I can‘t. I can‘t find one example of love, therefore I figured that I should just stick to my original thoughts about it”

“Sweetie, you do realize that even in doing that, you‘re still basing your beliefs off of someone else‘s experiences.” My mother corrected. I opened my mouth only to close it back. The one thing, the one thing that I could do that I thought would help me, didn’t help me at all. I guess it’s back to square one then.

I let out a frustrated groan and fell back onto my bed. I’m starting to get tired of looking for this so called love. Maybe I should just give-up. Everything that I try is no good.

“You need to find it for yourself. Try to experience what everyone else has told you rather than seeing it with your eyes.”

“But I can‘t find it mom. I‘ve had two guys tell me that they‘re in love with me, yet I can‘t say it back because I don‘t believe in it. And it sucks because one of them I really like mom and now I‘m pretty sure that he hates me now because of it.”

My mom chuckled once again. I was starting to get agitated with her. I was explaining something to her and she simply sits back and laughs. She doing it as if I have said something that’s just so adorable that she just has to laugh.

“Why don‘t you explain to me what happened between you and these boys hmm?”

I shrugged and sighed. Why not? “Okay well it first started with Eric we‘ve been best friends since…” I was talking for what felt like hours. I simply laid there on my bed telling my mom everything. I told her everything. I told her from me and Eric being friends to Anthony and I making out and him slipping and saying that he loves me.Strangely she didn’t over react at that or the part about me and him spending the night together. I told her about how glad I was to be dating Anthony and I told her how glad I was to have Eric as a best friend. I don’t think that there was one major detail that I left out. I even told her about what had happened when Sam exploded at me.

And my mother listened. She would comment once in a while to let me know that she was still on the phone listening to what I had to say. She didn’t say anything negative, she simply listened. By her doing something as simple as that, it relaxed me. I felt as if a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I felt my tornado begin to slow down and die out.

“Well sweetie, all I really have to say is………..I think you‘ve found it”

I furrowed my brows together once again. “Excuse me?”

“Before I explain it, do you honestly know what love is?”

I hesitated before I answered. “No” I mumbled.

My mother laughed once again. “Love is an emotion. It‘s almost like an attachment. It‘s basically saying that you care deeply for that person. You‘re that you don‘t want anything bad to happen to that person, you‘re saying that you will always be there for that person. It‘s like telling the person that they will never be alone. You‘ve actually seen examples of love your entire life. Your friends, your father and I. You have so many examples of love sweetie.”

I was speechless. There was nothing that I could say after that. I sat there and thought about everything that my mother was saying was true. I guess I really have had examples all along and I guess I feel the same about others. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to Sam, Leah, Chris and so many more people. I care for them.

“Now there is a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone”

“What do you mean?”

“When your in love with someone your saying all the things as I said before but your also saying that you care for that person more than they could ever know. You’re saying that that person makes you smile, laugh, happy and can cheer you up no matter how upset you are about something. You‘re also saying that you love almost everything about that person, there are always going to be some things that you don‘t like about the person but sometimes you‘re so in love that you don‘t notice. They‘re saying that they want you to be the only person that they want to kiss. The only person that they want to hold. The person who you run to when you need comfort, the person who understands you better than anyone else. The person who you‘re not afraid to be vulnerable with. The person that you trust. That‘s what it means when someone‘s in love with you”

My eyes were now watering. I couldn’t explain whether they were happy tears or said tears, but they were tears.

I’ve been in love for the longest time, with Anthony.

Everything that my mom said that you feel when you’re in love is exactly how I feel when I’m with Anthony. Anthony was always the one comforting me. He was always the one who I wanted to be with when I was upset. No matter what was wrong with me, Anthony would make me smile and feel better. I feel so much better when I’m with him. I feel everything that my mom said that you’re supposed to feel when I’m with or even think about Anthony. Being without Anthony is something that I hate and I never want it to happen again. I’m going to make sure that it doesn’t happen again.

“Mom” I sniffed “I really need to go. There‘s something that I need to take care of but thank you so much for helping me realize it, thank you” I was smiling and crying while I was on the phone. I wasn’t sobbing but tears were silently flowing down my cheeks.

“You‘re welcome sweetie but what is it that I made you realize”

I knew exactly what my mother was doing. I knew that she knew what I had meant by that, but that’s not what she wanted. She wanted to hear me say it. She wanted me to hear me say it, because once you say it out loud, you can’t take it back. And I don’t care anymore.

“That I‘m in love with Anthony Blackwood”