Keeping On Without You

I woke up to a dark sky and moonlight peeking through the window in Addie’s room. The cat was gone and I felt just as empty as I had when I laid down. Except for right now, things felt alright. Alright in the worst sense of the word, because I wasn’t in excruciating pain at the moment, yet things still were not in any way “alright.”

It was cold in the house as I willed myself to roll out of bed and make it down the stairs. The way in which it was quiet was close to overwhelming as silence lurked around every corner. There was no life in this house. The only life here was myself, and the cat that I had no idea what to do with.

Only more problems approached me now in the hours after Addie’s passing.

Now I needed to do something with Coco.

I couldn’t just turn her loose and go home. But I wasn’t so sure I wanted to have a cat hanging out at the flat. It seemed like decisions were impossible to make now that my brain had sufficiently lost part of its thinking abilities. There wasn’t a way I could win with Coco. I knew it from the start.

She watched me from the kitchen with unknowing eyes. Slowly I approached her, walking around her to get to my phone that was sitting on the counter. Addie’s phone was sitting there beside mine, looking unused and alone, partly because now I associated any of her belongings with being alone. My phone next to hers. The phone I would keep on using, and the phone that would never again be used. I didn’t know what to do with it.

Now that was just added to the list of things I didn’t know what to do about.

I had to get a flight out of here soon and get home and get help. I couldn’t stand being in this house for even another hour as I was forced to be with my thoughts here. And I couldn’t stand that now that Addie was gone, help sounded better than ever. This idea was drilled into my head now and it took Addie’s death for me to become focused and ready to get help. I would hate myself forever for that, but I knew that she would have wanted me to do this so that I could be happy again.

Even when she didn’t know what was going on with me she knew I wasn’t happy. It was more than apparent in the ways I treated her. And now I guess I realized that this was a battle, and there was no way I could win alone.

My mind began to break down bit by bit. I needed someone. So of course I would call the only person I could think of.

My brother.

I didn’t care what time it was back home, I didn’t even know what time it was here.

All I knew is that he would answer. He better.

His voice was groggy as he answered, and I doubted it was that late of an hour back home. “Oliver? What the… what’s been goin’ on?”

I sighed, knowing of course that anyone I called would ask that same question. There wouldn’t be any escaping it at this point, seeing as all of the people back home had been left without answers to my absence. The only thing they knew was that Addie had had some sort of family emergency.

“I know,” I said, feeling deflated and leaving my words at that. “I need help, Tom.”

Here I am, too much of a coward to tell my best friend andpossible soul mate that I am an alcoholic; but I knew that if I needed to get help, a lot more people would need to be told. And I wasn’t so sure that I wanted everyone to know. Tom was a good start at least.

“Ol, what’s happened?” he asked, his voice softening but still sounding tired. I knew he knew that something was off with me now. It was probably in the way I hadn’t said anything, the way my voice sounded, and the obvious asking for help. Rarely did I ever admit I was wrong, and further admitting that I needed help was just that much harder.

Tom’s question had two possible answers. I could take the easy route and decide to tell him “a lot had happened,” the same excuse I used every time I wanted to delay and actual answer, or I could tell him the straight up truth and deal with the awkwardness of breaking down over the phone.

Either way some sort of answer as to Addie’s whereabouts would become apparent when I came home and she wasn’t with me. They would either think we broke up… or they probably wouldn’t think much else, because no one else knew what had been going on with her. I didn’t even know. I chose to believe those lies she told me every time she fell over or clutched her knee; it was easier than worrying all the time, even though I did anyways.

My brain didn’t give me a say this time though.

“Fuck, Tom! Addie died!” I was unaware and unintentionally screaming the words. My throat was thick with tears again as it started all over for what felt like the hundredth time already.

I heard him gasp, a sharp intake of breath that can only happen when something truly unexpected happens. He was silent, the only thing filling the air now were my choked sobs. I was glad he couldn’t see my face, because this was embarrassing enough to sob and fall apart while someone else could listen in.

“Oliver, what the… what,” he sounded so out of breath suddenly, not knowing what to say or what to ask. Either way it was going to be hard to provide a response.

It would have been hard enough to tell everyone, should they have even known she had cancer. But it was going to be tenfold harder having to explain both that Addie had been diagnosed, and further died only weeks later.

“You know how we had to come all the way out here,” I started, choking out the words while trying to prepare for the eventual ones I would have to speak.

“Yeah, you’ve been out there for weeks, Oli,” Tom said, his voice sounding disconnected and confused.

“Addie’s mum got in this car wreck, and she was in a coma. Still is,” I said, trying to smooth out all of the cracks in my voice, keeping it together as it was impossible enough.

Another silence from Tom. I hadn’t told anyone about Addie’s mother when we came out here, I only said there was an emergency.

“And then,” here comes the hardest part, “Addie got diagnosed with some knee cancer or somethin’ the bloody second day we were here, somethin’ that she got checked out back in January.”

“And she just… died?” His voice was timid, I could tell he was terrified of setting me off, but I was already long gone.

“I don’t even know, Tom. It were all tension between us and shit when we were here. We fought all the time. And then one day she just left. And then get I get a fuckin’ phone call telling me she’s in the hospital. And she said she went to go visit her mum and she fell over, and ended up stayin’ over night. And I fucking watched her die, Tom! I watched her go right before my eyes!”

He didn’t say anything for a good few minutes as I sunk to the floor of the kitchen, resting my back on the cupboards and crying. I held my head in my hands and felt warm tears soak over them. Choked sobs emitted from my mouth often, breathing becoming hard and forced.

“Oliver, I’m so… so sorry. ‘S such a shock, I mean, I’m so sorry,” Tom stuttered, moving about his words awkwardly as he tried to consolidate me somehow. It kind of worked. The thing I needed most was just to talk to someone who had always been there, and always would be. Tom was my little brother, familiar in every way and perfect for when I needed to have a piece of home with me.

“Are you coming home soon?” he asked quietly.

“I need to,” I admitted solemnly. “This house is driving me insane already, and she only… she only, this morning. And it’s empty and creepy here without here and I hate it. And we took in this cat that I have no idea what to do with now.”

It sounded so pathetic just to listen to myself. All sorts of distress was radiating off of me as I let myself fall apart.

“Get a plane ticket Ol, and get back here tomorrow. Fuck, catch a red eye. I think it’s best you get back here soon. And… you’ve a cat now?”

“I know, I need to get out of here soon. I can’t stand it. And I know… She found this cat the day we got here and we just, took it in. And it kind of became like, a part of us or somethin’. And Addie loved it, so I can’t just turn it loose and go home without it. But I don’t know if I can take a cat back with me… I don’t even like the cat all that much.”

Tom sighed. I knew he thought I sounded pathetic too. “Look Oliver, you just need to get home, alright? You can’t stay there. And we can talk and stuff when you get home. Just, leave the cat there, okay? You can’t be takin’ a cat all the way across the world if you don’t even like it. It’s just one more thing for you to take care of. You can hardly take care of yourself, Oliver.”

That last line he spoke implied he knew more than he let onto. Maybe it would make telling him about my addiction that much easier. But it was something I would have to do in person, because I wasn’t so sure how much more Tom could take with surprises at the moment.

“But Addie loved that cat, Tom.” He was missing the point. He didn’t understand. The reason why I was so attached to taking care of the cat I didn’t have any attachments to was because Addie loved it. And Addie was gone. So by some means, this cat was some form of Addie now. He didn’t get that if I just put Coco outside and went home, it would be like leaving Addie. Not like she hadn’t left me already of course, but this cat was just something I couldn’t ‘get rid’ of because it was hers. I just couldn’t do it.

“I know Oliver, I know.” His tone reminded me of that you would use with a child who was upset while trying to please it. “Call me when you get a flight and let me know when you get in. I’ll come pick you up. And we’ll… talk more once you’re here.”

It was comforting to know that he would be there for me once I got home, even if I was beside myself. I was so used to coming home alone these days, and now was the worst time possible to be stumbling back into the cold flat that was alone and abandoned.

“Okay,” I said, a meager reply having to suffice for everything else I couldn’t say.

I hung up the phone and let it fall out of my hand and onto the kitchen floor.

I had to get out of here.

I didn’t even bother packing my bag in the same manner in which I had packed Addie’s. Then again, there were very different purposes for how I flung clothes into my bag, when I had hardly touched her clothes to put them back in the duffel. Her bag would be sitting here until someone else came along and moved everything, wondering why her bag of new clothes was here in her old room. I wondered if the rest of her family knew that we had even been staying here for the greater part of February. My guess was they didn’t, because of how poorly Addie had always spoke of them.

My hopes were that no one would ever touch this room. It had to stay just as it was.

My bag was packed and sitting in front of the door downstairs while I used her mother’s computer to find a ticket out of here. The next available flight left in four hours.

Somehow my phone had made it into my hand and my fingers were dialing the number to the same taxi service I had called this morning. I would sit in the airport alone for the next four hours if it meant being away from here. Part of me didn’t want to leave, but I knew I had to. I couldn’t stay here and creep around in Addie’s room in hopes of feeling better. All that brought on was jealousy and feelings I couldn’t name, nor conquer.

All I knew is that I felt as empty as this house did. There was no life in me while I walked around trying to kill time. No life in me because it had left with Addie, floating up to who-knows-where, where she could stay for the rest of forever.

There were two things I had left to do before the taxi came, and I left for good.

The first was going to be easier to conquer than the second.

I unzipped my haphazardly packed duffel, digging around to find the envelope I prayed hadn’t ripped in half. A sigh of relief escaped my lips when I found it, tearing it open and retrieving half of what I had held so dearly since Christmas. I raced up the stairs one final time into Addie’s room. There was paper sitting on her desk still, probably from years ago. A few pens were scattered about as well, and I picked one at random to start writing. My hand was shaking and the words were smeared, but the general message was legible. Not like anyone would be reading it though.

I wrote again and again how much I loved Addie. How many plans I’d had for us, for myself. How I had wanted us to be happy again like we had been before drinking got the best of me. I told her I would be getting help when I got home, and I was going home right away. But not because I wanted to be far away from her now, but because I couldn’t take it here. I couldn’t stand being here without her, in this place that she belonged now, and I didn’t. I wrote down that no one would ever be even close to how important she was to me, and that once again, she would never leave my mind.

And I meant all of it.

I folded the paper in half and left the pen on the desk where I had found it. I moved her bag of clothes onto her bed and tucked the note inside of it. Right on top of the note I placed her ticket to the Sujan Stevens concert that was coming up in only weeks. I laid it there, staring at the piece of paper that allowed one person entry to the concert. Her ticket. Mine was still in my bag. The thing I had looked forward to most was now just sitting in her duffel, where she would never get to it, never attend what I had prayed she would stick around for. I zipped it shut after looking at it long enough, leaving the bag there, sitting on the foot of her bed.

Then I walked out of her room, shutting the door and heading downstairs. Part one was complete. Part one of leaving this house behind, leaving Addie behind to rest here.

Coco was waiting for me downstairs, sitting in the kitchen with those bright blue eyes staring at me like they always did. It had been twelve hours since Addie left, and Coco still didn’t know. She never would.

I walked over to the sliding glass door, hating myself with every breath as I opened the door and watched as the cat nervously inched closer towards the opening. I wondered if she knew. If she knew this was it, that I was leaving and she had to go, too.

“I’m really sorry,” I whispered, scratching her head and feeling that soft fur for the last time.

She pawed outside and I shut the door, looking away from her as I set her off. My only hopes were that she could find someone who could love her again, someone like Addie who could give her more attention than anyone else. But then again, I wasn’t sure anyone could love like Addie did.

I had to run out of the garage and duck under the large door to prevent getting hit by it. Since I didn’t have a key, and I had no idea when anyone would be coming back to this place, I couldn’t leave through the front door without intentions to lock it.

The cab was waiting for me. Addie’s old life was in her second story bedroom where a tiny part of the life she had had with me a part of her room now. The cat was no where to be seen and probably questioning when it would go back inside to the house it grew familiar with. Addie’s new life was above me.

Addie’s new life was right next to me as a cardinal once again hopped along on the ground near my feet. I really hoped that this was a sign that she was okay, and that she was alright with me leaving.

It was harder than anything to get into the cab and drive away from the house I had only known for a little under a month, from the girl I had known for the greater part of my life. I was leaving, never to come back, and I knew that I could never forget Addie. She was more than my everything. She will always be more than my everything.