Apocolypse Now

I hate it when It rains. I hate it even more when it rains and it's windy, and I hate it even more when I'm sitting in it. My clothes clinging to my skin, water trickling down my face and off the end of my nose, teeth chattering and underwear most definately wet. I could hear them shouting my name erraticly. I shuffled my feet in a little further behind the tree. I didn't want to give myself away.
'Frankie, Frankie' Her voice is sweet, god it makes me sick. It's too high, to the point where my ears burn if she so much as sighs. I hate it. I can hear feet crunching on leaves, and I can't help but wonder how many innocent insects are dying as a fault of my own. This thought alone almost makes me want to give myself away, but I don't.
'Frank, Where the hell are you' My ears prick up at this, and I sit bolt upright. I know that voice. It's a man, definately a man, and there's only one man that knows my name.
'Gerard?' I squeaked.
'Frank?' I hear the reply, a little closer now. I scrambled out from my place behind the tree. My knees, hands and elbows are all muddly and think how amazing it's going to be to wash them all off.
'Oh my god there you are' I could see him properly now. Dressed all in black, his hair sopping wet and stuck to his forehead. I felt slightly guilty. 'God you're soaked and freezing' He squeezed my body close to his. 'God Frank what were you doing'
I sniffed.
'Frankie, baby' I looked up to see her. I scrunched up my face as she hugged me close, her purfume over powering my nostrils and making me want to lie down a little. 'I thought you'd gone' I grinned. I was always curious to just 'go'. So many people had done it. Aparently there was a certain place, which, because of some fuck up with latitude and longitude, was the end of the world. If you stepped into it that was it. I heard it was growing, eventually we'd all be gone.'Don't you ever do this to me again, you hear'
I looked up at Gerard, who shrugged. I shuffled over to his side, allowing him to walk me back home and out of the rain.

'You er, you wern't trying to 'go' were you?' Gerard asked, dangling a cigarette between his lips then offering me one.
'Of course I wasn't. I just got angry thats all' I took a cigarette, lighting it and inhaling the fumes. 'I don't know why you give me these, I'm younger than you'
Gerard smiled, blowing smoke towards my face. 'I think you can handle it. Frankie baby'
I glared at him as he quoted my aunts sickly sweet voice, pulling that sickly sweet face. I shuddered. 'Can I stay over tonight' I asked. He nodded in response.
'I was gonna ask anyway'
I sighed with relief, knowing I was free of controll freak, at least for a few hours.
I put out my cigarette and collapsed on Gerards bed. He watched me for a while, before moving over to his dresser. I knew what he was going for, I'd seen him do it thousands of times before.
'You don't mind do you' He asked, waving a bag of white powder infront of my face. I sighed.
'Knock yourself out' Which he probably would. Gerard wasn't addicted to Coke or anything, but he did it ofen enough to make me worry that he was. He's not too bad when he's on it, but sometimes he scares me, sometimes he isn't himself. I closed my eyes, blocking out everything, untill I felt the bed dip beside me.
'Fuck' I heard Gerard breathe next to my ear. I love it when he does that. Ever since I was young, when I was going to sleep, he'd lie beside me and whisper in my ear. It was comforting. We had a strange relationship, but i suppose it was because neither of us ever had real parents, or siblings to be with. So we were everything to eachother, and did everything together. We were like a couple, and if i didn't know any better, i'd say he was the only person I'd ever been attracted to.
'Gerard' I said after a while. I could feel his heart beat heavily through the matress.
'Yeah' He breathed, drawing out the e, making it sound more pleasurable than it should.
I thought for a while, mentally watching an image of the question I was about to ask him whizz round inside my head.
'Am I gay?' I asked. suprised it didn't sound so stupid once it was said out loud. Gerard chuckled. 'I don't know Frank, funnily enough I can't tell you that' He puased before adding 'no matter how high I am'
I exhaled through my nose. Thinking the answer to my question was probably yes, as Gerard smelled particularly nice that day, and his voice seemed sexier than usual.
'Gerard' I said again.
'What?' He said in the same tone as before.
'You know if the world is going to end, what would be the last thing you'd do?'
There was silence for a second, and I could almost hear the inside of Gerards brain fighting out an answer. I watched him, untill his lips curled at the corners and he said
'I'd kiss you, that is all'

I thought out the whole memory of Gerard, the way he was when we were kids, how many times he'd been there for me through everything, and still, even as grown men we both needed eachother.
'Frank' He slurred down the reciever. I jumped, forgetting I was on the phone to him.
'Please come and pick me up' He asked for the third time. If I was any normaly person, or Gerard was anyone else I would have normally said no. I could hear in his voice he'd had way to much of everything, it was hoarse and nasal and I didn't like it. I wanted to sigh and tell him I wasn't bailing him out again. I wanted to say no, fuck off and make your own way back. But i didn't, instead I said;
'Fine. Where are you?' Flat out. I mentally kicked myself for being such a pushover.
'Ohhh Frankie' He yelled. I hated him calling me that. 'I'm at a club Frankie, come party'
'No Gerard. I'm taking you home'
'You are?' I slapped my forehead 'Wow, I got a chauffeur'
'Gerard quit it and tell me where you are' I was getting angry now, he was never normally this incomprehendable.
'I don't know'
I groaned and hung up. I had a pretty decent idea of where to look for him, so I grabbed my keys and set off to get him. It was 4am, and bitterly cold. I clutched the steering wheel for dear life and gritted my teeth. I was fuming. I must've looked like a maniac to any other driver. Everything looked so much more sinister in the dark. Insead of pssers by going about their business, they seemed to stare into your car as if eyeing you up to eat you. Nothing was normal. As I approached the place I thought Gerard was, I got an awful feeling at the pit of my stomach that something perhaps wasn't quite right. People were lingering round the door drinking like it was thier last night alive, some of them seemed young enough to be school kids. I shuddered, watching as a couple ferociously attacked eachothers lips and lifted up eachothers shirts and..
'Can I help you sir' I turned towards the voice, almost bumping my nose in its chest. It was a woman, a little taller than me. She had long black hair scraped back into a tight pony tail and an incredibly pale face with high cheekbones. Her eyebrows were spindly, and drawn on and her eyes, god her eyes were fully white. I jumped. 'Erm, no..no thankyou' I stuttered 'I'm just looking for someone' I was just about to push past her and enter the club when se said;
'Gerard Way?'
I turned back to her. 'I'm sorry? what?'
'You're looking for him, I can tell' Her voice was gentle, almost seductive.
'What the hell are you' I said, before I even thought about it. She just laughed and guestured for me to follow her. I looked warily around me then decided it was probably best to go with her than stay out there. Inside the club was packed with people, but the people seemed to have no emotion, they were just dancing with eachother, kissing eachother and probably even fucking eachother. People grabbed me, pulled me and groped me as I passed, clinging onto my arms like drowning rats. They were nothing more than zombies. The woman stopped at one of the doors at the back, i persumed it was one of the private booths the dancers used with customers. 'Fuck Gerard' I said to myself 'What the hell are you doing'
'He's in here' She said coldly eyeing me up and down 'Be careful' and she left. I had no idea what she could possibly mean by be careful. I grabbed the handle and twisted it to left, pushing open the door and stepping in. The room had white quilted walls and a black carpet with a white rug, black table and a black couch. On the couch was sprawled Gerard, who turned his head slightly and painfully slowly towards me, his eyes barely registering who I was before a sly grin spread across his lips. I'd never seen him this bad before, he was manic.
'Gerard what the fuck' I whispered.
'You came to join the party!' He exclaimed, his body not matching his tone of voice.
'No' I said defiently 'I've come to take you home' Gerard lifted his head a little and something in his eyes showed he was about to give in. It didn't last long.
'Fuck that' He mumbled, his eyes glazing over again 'Come and join me' He patted the seat beside him. I stayed where I was. Gerard chuckled 'Chicken shit' he shouted 'sit here, you know me'
I was perified, his tone of voice, his attitude, his everything scared me, but I did as I was told and took my place next to him.
'You look beautiful tonight Frankie' He breathed into my ear, licking round the shell of it making me shiver. 'You smell even better' He added, beginning to suck on my neck and round my jaw bone. I did all I could to stop from groaning but it felt so good.
'Kiss me Frankie' Gerard breathed into my ear, snapping me out of it. I leapt up.
'No' I cried 'What the hell is wrong with you Gerard, let me take you home' I backed up towards the door.
'Don't be silly Frankie the night's just begun' He stood up from the couch, unsteady on his feet.
'No, it's just ended, you need to go home'
Gerards face fell. 'I don't want to go home, You know, the worlds going to end soon?'
'What? Don't be stuipd no it isn't'
'Yes it is, I know it is, remember I want you to kiss me' He pouted
'No, Stop pissing about' I shouted 'Come the fuck on' Gerard frowned.
'Kiss me' He snarled, taking a step towards me.
'No Gerard now chill out'
'Fucking kiss me'
'Gerard snap the fuck out of it' He was really starting to scare me, his eyes were blazing and his fists clenched.
'Just do it, you know you want to'
'No, I don't think I do'
'KISS ME'
He lunged towards me. His eyes blazing with anger and lust. His once deep and meaninful hazel glazed over by alcohol and cocaine. He rammed his fist into the wall beside me, an attempt to keep me rooted to the spot. It worked, as I was parylised with fear. As his gaze bore into my skull, I could see that part of him that I thought was missing so many times. the side of him I couldnt quite work out. the secret Gerard. I understood him now, strangely enough, and everything seemed to fall into place.
'Why wont you kiss me?' the words fell out of his mouth in a sort of snarl. His face was inches from mine, eyes rolling.
'Gerard, stop it' I whispered, pushing my hand into his chest and turning my head away from him. I could feel his breath quicken on my neck. I was scared of him and that thought alone made me close to tears. 'Just, Just fucking do it' this time he shouted it, ramming my shoulders hard into the wall, causing me to cry out and slump to the ground. tears rolled down my cheeks as I looked up to Gerard. My fringe was matted with sweat and stuck to my face. Gerards eyes widened with fear as he back into the wall behind him, sitting down on the floor, wringing his hands over and over. I watched him, scratching up and down his arms and legs. He was a mess. His face and hands were coated with dry blood, as well as his shirt and god knows where else. I knew he was crying,I wanted nothing more than to go over to him, scoop his broken body up into my arms and take him home, But I couldn't. I was seething with anger just watching him, and I didn't want to move incase he hurt me some more. Gerard whimpered, still scratching and scratching at the back of his hand. His breathing was fast and erratic, and I was sure if i moved a little closer i'd be able to
hear his heart. he was having a panic attack. Something i'd witnessed a million times before, but not like this. He started fumbling in each of his pockets, emptying the contents and flinging them across the floor. 'Gerard' I croaked, my voice wavering slightly. 'Gerard what are you doing' He ingored me, continuing to his jacket, ripping it apart, getting more and more panicked by the second.
'Gerard, stop it' I said, this time a little louder getting to my knees. He came to the last pocket, and his hand stopped. 'Gerard' He pulled out waht he was looking for. 'Gerard, dont bother' My voice was strangled and desperate now as I crawled towards him. He flicked the corner of the tiny plastic bag, the white powder inside settling like snow. 'Gerard put it away' I screeched, But with no luck as he oured the whole lot into his hand and lowered his nose to it. 'Gerard' I screamed this time, making to knock his hand, but my met by his other to my cheek. Pain seared through my skin as I was thrown sideways slightly. 'Fuck' I hissed, turning quickly to Gerard, but it was to late. He was slumped back against the wall, a messy grin on his face, eyes drooping, while rubbing up and down his nose. His motions grew slower, and I stumbled over to him, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him violently. 'Gerard youre so fucking stupid' His body getting limper and limper in my hands.
'Gerard, stay awake' I screamed, my voice cracking as I tried not to cry. 'Gerard!' His body fell limp against mine. 'Gerard, don't piss around, Gerard' I mustve spoken his name over and over againbefore I realised I was screaming 'Help' and people were rushing all around me and Gerard, and I felt sick and dizzy. I felt sick and dizzy untill the ambulance arrived and Gerard was pumped full of medicine through needles, and I know he hated needles. I felt sick and dizzy when they wouldnt let me see him, and I felt sick and dizzy when they told me he wasn't ok, but alive.

'You should really go home' the nurse said, as she filled in Gerards chart for what seemed like the millionth time that day.
'It's not my home' I mumbled, no taking my eyes off Gerard 'It's his'
'all the same' she said 'you've been here weeks'
'I'm not leaving' I said, a little louder 'What if he wakes up?'
the nurse sighed, she wasn't the only one who thought that Gerard would'nt wake up, although no-one liked to admit it. 'He's gunna wake up' I added 'I know him'
the nurse simply smiled sympathetically, clipping the board to the end of the bed before leaving.
'I spoke to your mom again' I whispered, stroking Gerards forearm 'Mikey misses you' Silence 'I know you can hear me, so why don't you just open your eyes' Silence 'I miss you' I sighed, looking up at his monitor again, everything was normal. 'Why do you always have to be so difficult' As I said that, I felt Gerards hand clamp around mine. I gasped. 'Gerard, can you hear me?' there was no response 'Gerard, if you can hear me let me know' He curled his fingers slowly round mine again. I squeezed back, brushing his hair back around his ears and he lifted his other hand to bat mine away.
'You know I hate it when you do that' He croaked. I jumped back, quite alarmed he was talking so quickly. 'I've been awake a while' He slurred, 'I'm just pretty drugged up' He obviously noted my fear and confusion beacuse he said 'it's ok Frank, I'm not going to kill you'
'No because you already tried that' I snapped back, pressing myself against the wall, alarmed at my sudden outburst. Convinently the nurse came back in.
'Don't mind me, I just need to take a sampl..Oh my god, you're awake' She exclaimed, rushing over to Gerard and checking everything possible 'How long for?' she asked me.
'About an two hours on and off' Gerard answered.
'this is wonderful' the nurse breathed looking up at me. 'are you ok?'
I felt sick. All my anger towards Gerard had come back to me at once, now he was awake, it seemed like it was all one big practical joke. So I did the only logical thing. I ran. I ran right outside the hospital and round the side to the carpark, where I colapsed on a bench and sobbed. I sobbed intill my phone began to ring in my pocket. Uknown number, it read on the screen. I sniffed and
answered it anyway. 'Hello?'
'how long have I been asleep for?'
'Gerard, y..'
'I've missed your birthday haven't I?
'Gerard, youre not meant to use your call phone in a...'
'I did didn't I' He sighed 'I can go home tomorrow' he added in a tiny voice 'Will you come back and get me?'
this time i sighed 'I don't suppose I have a choice?'
Gerard chuckled on the other lone before saying 'Yes, that or water' reminding me of when we first met. I couldnt help but smile, I was just glad he couldnt see how much I missed him.
'Ill fetch you at 11 ok?' I half snapped.
'Yeah' He replied even tinier than before, then i heard dial tone, and mentally slapped myself for being a dick, before calling a cab home.

'I don't need a wheel chair' Gerard moaned behind me 'Im not old' I carrired on walking the route to my car outside, allowing the paramedic to push Gerard along. He groaned as he was lifted into the car. 'I feel sick' He said, his head lolling back onto the headrest.
'Good' I said before starting the engine 'Consider this your most terrible hangover' I thanked the paramedic before stepping on the gas and pulling out of the parking lot. Gerard stared wearily out the window, his eyelids drooping slowly with each passing second. We stopped at a crossing and I took time to look at him properly in the daylight. His skin had a grey tinge to it, and underneath his eyes were purple shadows and yellowing stains from the bruising. His hands resting on his lap were the same, mottled with cuts and scrapes. Gerard looked dead. He didnt look like Gerard.
'What the hell happened?' I whispered over to him. His eyes flickered, but he never said a word, and soon enough the lights had changed to green and we were once again off into the sea of traffic.
Gerard fiddled with his fingers and sniffed slightly, his head still unsupporeted fully by his neck. I thought he wasnt going to answer me untill his mouth curled sadisticly at the corners. 'I fucked up Frank' He grinned, rather reminding me of a teenager at a party whos drunk of his mind and just set the cat on fire by accident.
'Oh fuck it' I mumbled to myself 'It's like talking to a kid' I knew it wasnt gerards fault he was being like this. Endless doeses of morphine and perscripion pain killers had dosed him up to the eyeballs untill he couldn't even see straight 'No change there then' I thought to myself. I knew I was being hard on him, as right now he needed a good friend, a level head and a damn good hug, But i didnt,want him to think everthing is ok after a hug. Nothing was ok, not right now. Gerard had lost his way of life, his job, his family and left me teetering on the edge. All it would take was one good fucking push and I'd be over there with the rest of them. We pulled into the parking lot at the back of 'our' apartment. Gerards head seemed to jerk slighly at the realisation of finally being able to sleep in his own bed. I took the keys out the ignition and sighed. 'I'm gunna get someone to help carry you' Gerard nodded 'Wait here ok?' He nodded again.
'I thought you was gunna put me in a home cus I told you the world was gunna end tomorrow' He slurred with a slight smile playing across his lips.
'Why the..' I shook my head in disbeleif. 'How'd you remember that?'
'I don't know' He shrugged 'Just been bugging me is all'
'Gerard your'e seriously..' I stopped before I said anything I regretted 'Just, don't move, I'll be back in a sec' and I shot off to find someone. I'd called our landlord already this week, explaining the whole situation. Weirdly enough, he didn't seem suprised and offered his help if we needed.
After many rediclous, almost drunken protests from Gerard, Jack had helped carry him upstairs and rested him gentley on the sofa before taking me to one side to talk.
'You need anything. just let me know' He said 'I've known him a long time, had to deal with him' He glanced over at Gerard 'It worried me he'd get to this, but I never thought he'd do it you know what im saying?' I just nodded, because, yes, I knew exactly what he was saying and he surely wasn't the only one that saw it coming. Jack smiled. rubbing the top of my arm affectionately.
'I mean it' He said as I showed him out 'You know where I am'
'thanks Jack, I appreciate it' really I did. I think i'd have killed Gerard by now on my own.
'and' Jack added, stepping back to the door 'Just make him well again, He listens to you, maybe even loves you. You havn't got forever you know' he hesitated slightly before turning to leave and slumping off. I just stared, my eyebrow slightly arched, beginning to wonder if I was turning crazy. I shrugged, going back inside and shutting the door behind me. I was greeted by the soft sound of snoring, realising Gerard was asleep. I looked at his beautiful angel face, somehow looking crestfallen as he slept. I smiled weakly leaning to stroke his hair away from his face and pulling the throw on the couch over him. I watched him
for a few minutes, enjoying the peaceful, rhythmic sound of his breathing, and the steady rise and fall of his chest. It was then that I knew I loved him, somewhere deep down within me. It was fighting with my insides, desperate to come to light, but I swallowed it down. For now it had to remain a feeling, and nothing more.