My Way Home Is Through You (Saints Protect Her Now)

Here came the sights and sounds of the world I had one day been torn away from. Whether it was for good reasons, I will never know. Fore what I had to endure during the past five years of my life, I don't know if it was the best choice for me to leave my real home in Belleville, New Jersey. I may have lost my family, but even at fourteen years old, I could have taken much better of myself than the people that I was left with. However, when you look at me now, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I was meant to live this way and deal with the situations I didn't deserve to get myself into. I wanted a life that was full of love and freedom of words and actions, but instead, I was thrown in a world of pain, abuse, drugs, and self injury. Now that I'm coming back to my hometown of Belleville, New Jersey, I'm hoping that I can get back to the life I was living before my family had been killed and I had to leave everything behind, but first, I needed to get myself back to that world I had left behind mentally.

I walked around the house I had grown up in as a child. It brought back vivid memories that made my past just seem like a really good dream that I wish I hadn't woken up from. The hallway leading into the main part of the house still glowed with the sunlight beaming into the room from the big door windows. However, once in the living room, light had no creek to shine it's way threw from other than a few tiny windows near the back of the room where there was a back door leading out into the backyard. This is where I remembered watching television with my Dad and playing games with my brothers and sister.

I walked into the kitchen which was conjoined to the living room. Even though it had been five years since I had walken through this house, I still remembered every detail as if I never left. However, it was still a different house when it came to the interior. This house did not belong to my parents anymore who had died on that tragic day when I was in my first year of high school, but it now belonged to different people who had made this house a home that fit to their needs and standards. It didn't feel like my home anymore, but when I think about it, nothing in this world could make me feel as if I were at home ever again. Nothing.

"So, Mackenzie, it must be weird walking through this house again," stated the new owner of the house I had once lived in. She seemed sweet and happy to be where she was. She was going to take me in and adopt me for the time being of going back for my last year of high school and getting the necessary courses I needed to go to college and get a certificate in something. I didn't know what I wanted, but it was about time I went back to a public school and started looking for myself.

I turned myself over to her slowly, taking in her appearance for I would have to look at this person standing in front of me for as long as it would take for me to pull my life together that I had put on pause. She was taller than my five-foot-three self, she wasn't as skinny as my tiny frame was but she wasn't chubby neither, she had freckles around her light blue eyes, and she had reddish-orange wavy long hair that glistened when the sunlight hit it. She didn't look anymore than in her mid-thirties.

I shrugged slowly, not too sure of what to say to her. I had troubles talking to people who I had just met. I always feel as if I sent people a bad vibe on the first acquaintance, whether it was just me feeling it or also the people I was meeting for the first time. Although, I did like this lady; she seemed nice and she reminded me of a woman who I would soon be calling a friend. She was going to be my guidance until the day I moved out, but first I needed to move in.

"Oh, sorry, where are my manners!" she exclaimed, placing her hand on her chest passionately before sticking her hand out for me to shake, "My name is Rose Parker, and I really am looking forward to raising you during your last year of teenage-hood, Mackenzie."

I didn't want to make things awkward between us and make her regret taking me in, so I shook her hand right away and softly smiled, "Thank you. I'm looking forward to my new life," I spoke quietly. I wasn't much of a talker to begin with and it would have taken a lot of therapy for me to be able to project my voice.

She smiled at me and motioned me to sit down at the kitchen table. I sat down quickly and kept my eyes shifting around the lightly lit kitchen I once use to eat in everyday when I was a child. The only thing that had been changed was the appliances. Of course, in this time of age, who would want to keep kitchen appliances that were popular back in the seventies and eighties? so they were new. The kitchen table was smaller as well - it only had to feed two people (now three), of course - but when I was living here, it had to feed a family of six.

"Rose, did you get the forms I faxed you yesterday about Mackenzie's past?" asked Rob, the head of the department of the floor I slept on in the orphanage I had been living in since the murders of my family back five years ago.

I hated Rob with an unbearable passion. Because of him and his 'nightly visits', I am the broken thing I am today. He was the one who caused me to stop caring about myself, to feel both physical and mental pain, to not care whether or not I got the daily needs I needed to live. For every bruise, cut, drug in my body, or pound lost, it was all because of him. He was the one who had raised me to the woman I am today, and as you could see, I did not like this woman.

Flashback: 1996: Fourteen years old

"McKenzie, just understand that we are very sorry for your loss and we will be here every step of the way to raise you into the fine young woman you were put on this planet to be," said Mrs. Norris, an old, gray haired woman, who was one of the guardians at the 'Pherson Orphanage' in New York City, where I would be living until the day someone decided to adopt me or the day I had turned twenty.

I nodded silently, still unable to really communicate too much do to the recent event of my family that only took place about a week ago. I only lived with my grandparents for a few days before and after the wake and the funerals for my family. However, I had to be taken away from them and be thrown in this place because they were too old and needy to be taking care of someone who needed a real Mom and Dad and education. It would have been too much for them to handle.

"Mackenzie, this is Mr. Jeffrey," she pointed her bony hand to the man to her left; He was tall and looked like your average Joe, except for his mesmerizing eyes; his eyes told secrets that hidden deep inside him. He had dark brown - almost black - hair, and he looked like one of those guys you didn't want to mess with.

He smiled at me, a smile that resembled more of a smirk than anything else, "You can call me Rob, that's what everyone calls me."

It was a moment of silence as I couldn't stop staring into the eyes of the man who stood before me, who would make sure my room and myself was all right before the day began and after the day ended and night swept over the part of earth I was standing on. This man was either going to make or break my future.

"Well, I'll leave you two to get acquainted, and Mackenzie, if you have any problems at all and want to talk to someone, Rob has a degree in Physiology, so never feel shy to go to him for anything," she smiled at me, making me feel as if she were the sweetest woman I had met since the day my life had shattered.

I looked at her and nodded quickly, convincing her just by the expression on my face that I was thankful for her care. She returned the quick glance back before she spun on her heels and left the room that I could now call my bedroom - it wasn't exactly just my bedroom; by the looks of it, it was probably the bedroom of six other girls, not just myself.

"Is it all right if I call you Mickey? Do you like that name?" he smiled at me, keeping his eyes on something that wasn't my eyes or my face. I could tell just by the way he was smirking as he looked me over, this wasn't going to be the most trusting man as Mrs. Norris thought he was.

I shook my head. No one was allowed to call me that name other than my friends I left back at my home in Belleville, New Jersey. The one who first started calling me Mickey was my friend, Frankie Iero, who I had been friends with since our parents introduced the two of us when I was five and he was six; from that day until the day I moved here, to this orphanage, we were best friends. I even thought at one time, before the murders of my family, we could have been more.

"Oh," said the man in front of me, "Is there a reason I can't call you by that name?"

I looked back up in his eyes after I had snapped out of my thoughts about the boy I would explain more in detail later; "Only Frankie can call me that, along with some other people I left back in New Jersey."

"Oh, I see," he said very slowly, "Only Frankie can call you Mickey."

By the sound of his tone, I didn't like the way he said Frank's name as if he knew him. I still didn't know about this man, but the way he was smirking and the way his eyes were starting to pierce into my eyes, I knew there was going to be a problem and his way of making everything peachy didn't impress me neither.

"Can I call you Kenzie?" he asked, smiling from ear-to-ear.

I stared at him for a second, starting to fear his presence around me for reasons I wasn't too sure about. I nodded my head, wanting this guy to leave me alone to reflect on my thoughts and unpack my stuff, so I nodded.

"Well then, Kenzie, welcome to my department," he smirked more, presenting his hand out in front of me for me to shake. At first I just stared at it, not wanting to shake it, therefore, making a relationship between the two of us of trust.

I looked back into his eyes, seeing the soul-less creature inside, getting stronger and more intimidating as the time went by and the sun started to go down and the moon starting to rise up.

"As long as you listen to me and do as your told, nothing will ever hold you back from one day leaving this place."

This is when I knew my life wasn't over this fork in the road yet, in stead, I was caught between a fork and a huge wall of bricks.

End Flashback

"Kenzie is a great girl and she has come a long way since the day her family went through the massacre," Rob was telling Rose as he was giving her sheets to read about my history and my up-bringing.

I stared down at my cup of black coffee as he explained everything to her, from the day I was born, to the day I arrived to Pherson Orphanage, and to the day which was now; five years later since I had been prisoner to the man who sat beside me.

Rob was an actor - a good actor at that. He had Rose fooled into believing he took great care of me during the past five years. Let me tell you, though, from the day I arrived to the orphanage, to this day right now, he has left nothing but scars and self-hatred inside of me. He was lying to her the entire time; he knew I was broken and he knew it was his fault. He also knew I hated him, but he didn't care, as long as he got what he wanted without me ratting him out, he would keep my life a living Hell just for his own morbid pleasure.

I looked down at my hands in my lap as Rob talked about how my life use to be when I lived here in Belleville. It was a rule that I needed to explain my whole life to the people at the orphanage from every little memory and foot step I could remember in my past; it helped adoptive parents get to know the life of the girl or boy they were going to raise. In most cases, though, nineteen year olds never get adopted because of the fact that they're pretty much already done their childhood and are ready to face the real world. However, for some, like myself, I just needed a place to stay until I got up on my own feet, and even though I was a high school graduate, I needed to go back for an extra year to pick up some credits that would help me achieve more in the future and get me into my desired college or university.

"I'm sorry, Mackenzie, I forgot to ask you if you were hungry," Rose stated, making me break out of my trance and look at her, "Would you like anything to eat?"

I shook my head, "No, I'm fine. Thanks," I said softly, turning my attention back to my pale, flailed hands.

She smiled softly, "Well, if you need anything, just ask. I'll make you anything you want."

I nodded, keeping my attention on my lap. I knew what she was thinking just by the way her eyes trailed up and down my sitting body from across the kitchen table; 'Eat something before you break in half! Get some meat on your bones, you're too skinny.' probably not exactly those thoughts, but people have expressed to me that I needed to gain weight. I had an eating disorder which began when I first started living at Pherson. All the pain and suffering I went through almost everyday caused me to lose the will-power and feeling to eat. I kept my body covered in over-sized clothes and sweaters, knowing it's harder for people to get a real good look at my body if I kept it hidden.

"I wouldn't mind another coffee, Rose," smiled Rob politely as he dangled his empty coffee cup on his middle and index fingers. Even though I had already said he was a good actor, I just couldn't get over how good he was at it.

"No problem, Rob. Afteral, you're giving me this wonderful young lady over here, I might as well give you a coffee," she said, getting up on her feet and smiling. I looked up at her quickly and gave her a small tight smile. Even though I had trust issues, I liked her. It was easier for me to get close with a female than it was with a male do to my trust issues.

Rob laughed and handed her his cup. When she walked away to the counter at the other end of the kitchen and started fiddling with the coffee-maker, I felt an unexpected hand squeeze suggestively on my knee; a feeling that shot shivers up my body and made my adrenalin and blood sugar rush to my heart, making me cringe and pull away quickly. I jumped out of my seat and stared wide-eyed at Rob in complete fear as if he was going to push me against the wall right then and there and have his way with me, but at the same time, I knew he wouldn't have done anything with Rose right in the room; he wouldn't risked losing his job and going to jail.

"Mackenzie..." Rose said suddenly, making me turn to her slowly as I adjusted the expression on my face to look as if I just got up and not made a jump; "Are you okay?"

I nodded and quickly forced myself to smile, "Sorry, my foot was starting to cramp up," I lied. Almost anything that came out of my mouth was a lie. My whole entire existence was a lie.

She smiled, "I know how that feels."

I didn't know what to say after that, so I just nodded my head in agreement. It was hard for me to keep conversation rolling, do to my self-esteem being shot. The last time I had a real conversation was when I was living here back in my past - my happy past.

"Mackenzie, me and Rob will be talking here for a bit about stuff that probably wouldn't interest you, you should go for a walk around the house and explore the neighborhood a little bit; get re-acquainted with the city here," Rose had suggested.

I couldn't help but feel a rush of freedom go threw me when she had said those words. I haven't been by myself around the town since I was fourteen.

"Do you think you can remember your way around?" she asked.

I nodded quickly, not caring whether I remembered the place or not, I just wanted to leave for a hour at most. I just wanted to get away from Rob for the first time in five years.

"Is it okay with you?" Rose asked, putting her eyes on Rob as he looked down at some of the papers in his folder, pretending as if he didn't care too much about the scene he had made me do just a minute ago and the fact that Rose was letting me go out on my own.

He nodded, keeping his eyes on his sheets, "As long as your back before sunset, Kenzie. We have to spend the next two nights at a hotel here in New Jersey until the papers are finalized so you can start your life here."

I bit my lip; I had never spent a whole two nights by myself with this man without the possibility of someone walking in on the scenes he was making me do with him. I felt as if this was going to be a test to see how strong I was mentally; if I were to get through this weekend without killing myself, then I would be free from this mans control. My life would be freedom for the rest of my life and I would never have to see this man again.

When I walked out of the house I had once called home and will soon call home again after this weekend, I couldn't help but think how right Rob was when I first met him when he said, "As long as you listen to me and do as your told, nothing will ever hold you back from one day leaving this place."

He did keep that promise and I didn't realize it until today. I never told on him when he would tie me to the bed or find me or drag me to abandoned areas of the orphanage and have sex with me; I never told on him for abusing me physically or mentally; I never screamed for him to stop what he was doing; I never told him to stop; I never fought back when he touched me. This was the time when he lived up to his promise and let me leave for always obeying and listening to him.