My Way Home Is Through You (Saints Protect Her Now)

Frank

Flashback - 1996 - Fifteen years old

I groaned at the sounds of taps at my window as I tried to get my sleep. I was already in a deep sleep, and I didn't want anyone to disturb my slumber. I had pushed one of my pillows over my head to fade out the noise.

Once another tap hit my window again, my eyes shot open and I realized that someone was tapping on my window. I sat up in my bed and stared at the alarm clock on my night table; it read two forty-six AM.

I turned my head to the curtained window and waited for another tap before I went over to discover that there was no one there and it was only my imagination playing tricks on me. I paused, continuing to wait as I pursed my lips together, letting them slide between each other.

If anyone was at my window, it was either Mikey or Mickey - odd how their names are kind of similar - but Mikey had a tendency in getting into fights with his sister, Kate, so he would sometimes sneak over here so I could keep him occupied with video games or playing music quietly in my room. If it was Mickey, then she was visiting me because she would have gotten into a fight with her parents or she was scared to sleep by herself if it was raining and thundering out; she was such a fighter but scared of thunder storms. She would usually spend the whole night, not that my parents knew or anything. I had a need to protect her from anything that got to her whether it be people at school making fun of her or the weather.

I immediately jumped off my bed when another tap sounded from my window. I clicked on my desk light and walked over to the window. I pulled the curtains apart and stared at the window in hopes my eyes would adjust quickly to the person outside, because at first all I could see was the reflection of my room.

I smiled softly as I spotted the long brown hair swaying in the wind. I opened my window and whispered loudly, "What are you doing here, Mickey?" I then realized that it was a clear night outside so it couldn't have been the weather making her come over; "Did you get in another fight with your Mom?"

When she didn't answer me, I bit my lip, realizing that something bad had to have happened for her not want to even talk; "Come in," I said, grabbing onto her hand and pulling her gently inside.

When she was in, I took her to my bed and sat her down on the edge of it as I knelled down and grabbed both of her hands as I looked up at her pale, shocked, scared face. I couldn't help but notice her body shivering tensely.

I stared at her up and down, letting my mouth drop a little at the sight of her tattered sleeve; underneath was a big scratch which was bleeding.

"I didn't know where else to go..." she cried out suddenly, making my head quickly look back at her scared face.

I pursed my lips again, trying to sound as calm as I possibly could, "You always come to me when you have no where else to go, okay?" I paused, rubbing her arms up and down soothingly, "You know that, right?"

She nodded slowly, keeping her face pointed to her lap, making it so quiet that you could hear a drop from the downstairs bathroom tap hit the cold steal of the sink. I just kept my eyes on her face, trying to get her to communicate, trying to figure out what happened.

"Mickey..." I felt as if I was going to start stuttering when she looked at me with her terrorized eyes. I wanted this girl to be happy so much that it hurt me to see her so scared, so petrified, so hurt, "Mickey, what happ--"

"FRANK! FRANK, GET DOWN HERE!" screamed my Mom, making me jump from her sudden outburst and make Mickey's head drop back to look at her lap, as if she expected my Mom to suddenly make a scene.

I sighed confused, wondering why my Mom would scream for me at almost three in the morning. I blinked for a few seconds and looked back at Mickey reassuringly, "I'll be right back, okay? Don't leave or--"

"NO! Don't leave me here, Frankie!" she pleaded, crying out more as she grabbed tightly onto my arm and making me hug her as she cried into my shoulder, "I can't be alone. I'm scared."

I breathed deeply as she cried louder onto my shoulder, letting my arms wrap around her waist as I lightly scratched her back with my fingertips. I wanted to know what happened so bad! It was usually easy for her to tell me things, but then again, I had never seen her so petrified as I did right now.

"Please tell me what happened..." I whispered as softly as I could into her ear. I paused, as she kept her face in the crock of my neck. I could feel the anticipation of her getting ready to tell me what happened.

"FRANK!" cried my mother from downstairs, making my shoulders tense up from her shriek, "LOOK AT THE NEWS!"

I bit my lip hard as I started to wonder if the program my Mom was crying about on the news connected to Mickey. I pulled away from her and grabbed her hands, looking into her eyes, "I swear to God, I will be right back," I promised her.

She nodded her head after a few seconds. When I got up, I pulled a blanket off my bed and wrapped it around her shivering body. I hugged her one last time before pulling away from her again and planting a soft kiss on her forehead.

"I promise," I said quietly on her forehead after I pulled my lips off.

I walked over to the door and looked at her one last time, watching her place her hair behind her ear with a shaky hand. For a millionth time, I pursed my lips before walking out of the room, leaving the bedroom door open so she didn't feel too alone.

I walked down the stairs into the living room where my Mom was watching the news - Breaking News. I looked at her stunned face as I asked concerned, "What's going on?"

I turned my attention to the television and was shocked to see Mickey's house on the news with the headline at the bottom of the screen in big letters: 'MASSACRE TO LOVED BELLEVILLE FAMILY!'

My eyes almost popped out of my head when bodies were being rolled out of the house into ambulances on the screen. I placed my hands on my thighs as I squeezed at them hard to make my body feel some sort of feeling and snap out of my shocked and numb physical state.

I kept my eyes glued on the screen but I couldn't listen to what the reporter was saying in the background of the live footage of the paramedics taking the family into the ambulance. For a second, I thought I would have seen Mickey's body being wheeled into the ambulance even though I knew she was in my bedroom, it was just a thought that made my heart panic more than it was at that moment.

I even began to question if Mickey was dead and seeing her in my room was something paranormal. The thought caused the hairs on the back of my neck to raise up as shivers fell up and down my spine. My heart was beating fast and I could have never topped how shocked and stunned I felt right then.

"The whole family?" I asked my Mom shakily as I stared at the television.

"All but one," she cried, "They haven't said who was the one to get away..."

I bit my lip as I thought about Mackenzie sitting on my bed as she shacked and cried from the events that went on in her life tonight. It made me wonder what she actually went through and what she witnessed and saw. Was she actually almost a victim from being murdered, and how did she get away? Was the event like a horror movie or did it go by quick?

"I'm so sorry, Frank," she whispered to me as I kept my eyes on the floor as I let my thoughts take over my mind.

I looked at my Mom and whispered, "She's in my room. She came over right after it happened... she's pretty petrified..." I bit down on my lip, watching my Mom's face turn quickly to a stunned, shocked expression as her eyes almost popped from her eye sockets.

"I have to see her!" she said quickly, walking passed me to the staircase.

I quickly turned and went in front of her, putting my arms out so she couldn't pass me and go up the stairs. I stared at her and said, "No, Mom. She stays with me tonight and she gets as much rest as she possibly can. I don't want you to go up there and make this worse by showing your sorrow."

"But Frank..."

"No, Mom, she can't handle this right now," I looked at her stunned and panicked face, "She needs to be reassured everything will be okay, not a bunch of hugs and kisses with a bunch of 'I'm sorry's."

She didn't answer for a few seconds but kept her eyes locked on me and the top of the dark stairs that showed my bedroom door and the light shinning through it. She knew Mickey was in there as she stared up the steps.

"Mom, just trust me..." I told her quietly, closing my eyes a little to regain my emotional strength.

She sighed defeated, "I can tell she means a lot to you, Frank, but be aware that..." she sighed, trying to find the right words, "Be aware that she might need to leave if they can't find anyone to take her in..."

"We can take her in," I said right away, more demanding than a suggestion. I told her that if she had no where to go, she should always come to me because I'm always waiting for her to come to me during a time in need like this.

My Mom stared at me with doubtful eyes, "Frank, you know perfectly well that me nor your Dad can't financially support two kids at the moment."

My eyes almost popped out of my skull as I felt my breaths getting tighter and my heart starting to speed as I thought about abandoning Mickey to a family miles away from me - the one she needs to keep her sane and cared for.

I punched the wall quickly with frustration which I did a lot, not that I damaged it or anything; "No, Mom! You don't understand what..."

"Quiet down," she whispered.

"... we have," I whispered, "I'm all she has now and you know that."

She stared at me for a second, making me think she was starting to agree with the idea, but she quickly sighed, "Frank, we'll talk about it tomorrow and see what happens, just take care of her for the night."

I kept my eyes on the floor, knowing she was actually just wanting me to go to bed so I would leave the subject alone, not that she would change her mind though. I looked back at her and nodded.

I got up on my feet and walked up the steps, feeling my Mom's eyes scanning my back as I made my way to my room. I took a deep breath before walking back inside the room I had left open. I spotted her right away on the bed, still sitting frozen, except she was looking out the window in stead of keeping her eyes on her lap like she was doing before I had left.

After I closed the bedroom door, I looked at the window too just to make sure everything was normal outside. I walked over and closed the curtains so she wouldn't worry about any attackers coming in. I turned back and looked at her frightened face. I couldn't bare to imagine the loneliness and abandoned she was feeling, now having no where to call her home or having lost her whole family in one night.

I walked over to her and sat beside her on my bed. I gently put my arm around her shoulder and my other arm in front of her to pull her into my warm body fore she was still shivering fiercely. I slowly and soothingly rubbed her shoulder up and down over the blanket on top of her body.

I really didn't know what to say to her now that I knew the truth. I thought she was over because of a fight or something happening with her parents, but I didn't know it would have been this serious. Of course I always take all her problems as serious, but this was very serious. I wanted to tell her so bad that everything was going to be okay, but it somehow felt impossible because I didn't want to lie to her if it turned out she would have to leave Belleville and be raised by long-distance relatives or strangers.

"The courts are going to take me away..." she said quietly, her voice sounding strained and tired. I snapped out of my thoughts and looked down at her and watched as she let her head lean against my chest.

"Sorry, what was that?" I asked, trying to get my thoughts off of what could have possibly happened at her house. I didn't want to ask and make her relive the events.

She took in a deep shaky breath, "They're going to make me move. I have no where to go and my grandma and grandpa can't take care of me. They're going to take me somewhere else to live."

I couldn't help but pull her closer to me, shaking off the thought of her leaving by making her come closer, "No. I won't allow it."

"But..."

"I won't allow it," I said confidently, ending the conversation before making her worry about more things like where she was going to live from now on.

After minutes and minutes of silence and panicked thoughts, I looked back down at her tired body; "You want to lay down? If you want to sleep, go ahead, I'll stay up and make sure nothing happens to you," I said, tucking a strand of her hair behind her right ear.

She took her head off my chest and looked at me - she was so pale, tired, and scared, but no matter how bad she was feeling inside, she was always beautiful inside and out - and nodded. I pulled the covers down from my bed and gently helped her get into a comfy laying position. I quickly got in beside her and gently put my arms around her, in hopes that she would relax and get some sleep to take her away from reality.

I stayed up all night that night. Even though I knew no one would come and take her away, I knew she trusted me to protect her and that's what I was going to do. I don't believe she slept very well that night neither, which is what I didn't expect her to do, but she did stay calm for the remainder of that night in mid-November.

End Flashback

"Do you blame yourself for her disappearance?" asked Dr. Telch as she kept her eyes on me intently.

I kept my head rested in my hand as I shifted my eyes around the tiny, brightly-lit, white office that I had to visit every week once a week for the past five years. I thought about her question and couldn't figure out how she couldn't answer that herself, afteral, it's always the same questions she asked me.

"Yes," I said bluntly, "You know I do."

She nodded her head quickly and grabbed her coffee cup and took a big sip; "Frank, what makes it your fault? I understand you feel your responsible since you tried to keep her reassured with telling her to always go to you if she needed a place to go and that she was going to be okay, but it doesn't make it your fault. You were only fifteen years old when you tried to protect her."

"What's it matter though? I would still protect her today if she was still here!" I hated talking about this with my therapist; she always managed to make me feel worse by shoving the facts in my face. Seriously, so what if I was fifteen? I was doing one Hell of a good job at protecting her before she was taken away from me behind my back - but it was my fault I turned my back on her for twenty minutes to talk to my teacher on the day she disappeared.

"You have no idea how much of a sweet kid you were to her and you're blaming yourself for everything," she sighed, "You said you stopped going to school for a week to take care of her at her grandparents house, and on the day you went to go pick up your homework that your teacher wanted you to complete before returning back to school, she was taken away..."

"But I turned my back when I should have been with her! I left her to get my stupid homework! If I didn't leave, I would have kicked the fucker's ass who wanted to take her away!" I said as I started to get frustrated with my past.

"You know what I think, Frank?" she asked as if she got a thought.

I sighed annoyed, "No, but please tell me..." I was starting to get a bit too rude and sarcastic, something I felt I couldn't control when I was around her.

"I think, since the court was trying to take her away when you kept telling them to eff off, the school called you to distract you as they took her away without your acknowledgment," she said soothingly, making me think hard about it. "It's better to think that than think about the worst that could have happened, like your theory that the guy who killed her family took her when you weren't protecting her."

I tensed up at the image of a man without a face taking her when I wasn't watching over her. Whether it was a man trying to help her or not, it was still a faceless shadowed image in my imagination that took her away from me. When I was the only one she wanted to stay with, they still took her away to give her a life that I couldn't because of my age and where I was at that moment in life.

I decided I didn't want to talk about it anymore, so I got up from my chair, grabbed my jacket and left the office without even saying bye to my therapist. Going to therapy felt like such a waste of my time because it only made me feel worse about myself, having her put more things that I missed to my attention, making me wish I could have just never let go of Mackenzie. Ever.

I walked out of the hospital and made my way to the parking lot, finding my car quickly since I always put it in the same spot during every visit, and the old black vehicle wasn't hard to find neither. When I got inside, I stared out the window as I thought about my life in a moments time, from the day I met Mackenzie to the day she was taken away from me to this day right now. I might have had a great Mom and Dad and great friends, but there was a hole in my life that could only be full again if Mackenzie was back in my life. Hell, it would have been half full if I only knew that she was okay.

I grabbed my cell phone and dialed Gerard's cell phone number, hoping he was available to hang out and drink a few beers to help me relax my thoughts and get me back into a happier disposition and try to forget about Mickey - which was near impossible - but as long as I didn't feel resentful to myself, then life was okay.

"Hello?" answered Gerard.

I sank back in my seat; "Hey bud, what are you doing today? Any chance we can get some booze and rock out or watch a movie or something? I don't care what we do as long as there's some beer to relax me and some communication."

He paused for a second before saying, "Bad session with your therapist?"

I groaned, "If you only knew how horrible she makes me feel without even knowing it."

"Then stop going to her. I don't see the point in wasting a hour every week to reflect back on that shit," he said quickly, sounding as if he was doing something else as he talked to me.

"I don't like it but it's what my Mom thinks is what's best for me," I closed my eyes gently, letting myself relax.

"Frank, you have no idea how much your life is going to get better. I swear, by this week, your life will be so much better," he said hurriedly. I couldn't help but wonder why it was this week that would make my life so much better as I heard 'bangs' and 'kerplunks' on the other end of the phone.

"What are you talking about?"

He sighed deeply and said, "You'll see."

I put my hand up to my forehead and rubbed roughly, trying to make the headache from the session go away as I listened to Gerard becoming fed up with whatever it was he was doing.

"OW! FUCKER!" he yelled in the phone after I heard something drop.

I couldn't help but smirk softly, "Are you trying to fix your car again?" I giggled a little, "Gerard, you can't even figure out how to play Operation, how do you figure you can fix a car?"

"I'm not that mechanically-challenged!" he shot back, making me laugh a bit more.

"I'll be there in a bit to help you out. Make sure you have something fuzzy to drink."

I hung up the phone before he could reply and I started my engine.