What's It Like to Die Alone?

I was wrapped up warm, sat on the decking outside at about 4 am. The pond was frozen over with a thick layer of ice and a few birds were pecking at it, with each peck adding a little more force. It was impossible to break, they weren’t going to get to the fish underneath no matter how hard they tried. I bet the fish were laughing and mocking the birds under the safety of the ice. I know I would. Stupid birds.
I exhaled deeply, watching my breath condensate into mist and slowly drift off. It was strangely satisfying and I did it several more times, in short bursts.
I heard the decking boards creek behind me and I turned around to see who it was. It was Andy, one of the alcoholics. He sat down next me and smiled a toothy grin.
“What are you doing up so early?” he asked.
“I could ask you the same thing.”
“You could, but I asked you first.”
“I couldn’t sleep. Plus, I find this time of day the most beautiful.”
He nodded in agreement.
“Why didn’t you talk to your boyfriend? I’m sure he’d be happy to listen to whatever is bothering you.”
I sighed. “He’s what’s bothering me.”
“You… you wanna talk about it?” he offered.
“Well… he’s been being really difficult lately. I don’t know what it is, it’s like he’s suddenly changed and he’s not all lovely and caring anymore. He’s self-absorbed and… to be frank, being a jerk. It’s a shame because he’s living up to everyone else’s expectations. He’s different to me… and now he treats me the same as everyone else. I hate it.”
“Oh I’m so sorry, that’s awful. Has anyone else talked to him?”
I shook my head solemnly. “He doesn’t talk to anyone else here.”
“Do you want me to…?”
“No, don’t do that. It’s just a shame, is all. I thought I loved him but he’s making it really hard for me to do so. It feels like I’m disappointing him or something? Perhaps I’m just being an awful girlfriend… I don’t know.” I sighed again and brought my knees up to my chest.
“I doubt you’re being an awful girlfriend. Maybe something is irking him and he’s keeping it bundled up, I’m sure he’d appreciate you looking out for him.”
“I suppose.”
“Would a hug help?”
I smiled and accepted the hug, cuddling the warm young man in front of me.
“Thanks Andy, I needed cheering up.”
“No problem. If he causes you any more hassle you know where I am.”
I nodded, kissed his cheek and broke away. “I better get going, try and slip in at least an hour of sleep.”
“Yeah, okay Freya. I’ll see you later.”
I sat up and slowly jogged into the main building, shutting the door tightly so the cool air was sealed away. My ears hurt from the chilly air and my cheeks were bright red, but I didn’t mind.
I creeped along the hall ways and put my key in my lock, opening the door slowly. I walked in, shut it silently and unwrapped myself from all the warm clothes. I slipped on some pajamas and got into bed, wrapping an arm around William.
I kissed his cheek and whispered: “I love you, and I’m sorry for being an awful girlfriend. I hope you feel better soon.”
He wriggled around a bit, then scooted to the other side of the bed, pushing away my arms. I tried to hold back the tears and fell asleep.
-X-
I woke up only a few hours later, still before Will. I tried to get closer to him again, hugging his warm frame. He pushed me away but I held on tightly. He tried one last time but I refused to let him discard me like that. He groaned in his sleep, then blinked a few times, gaining focus.
“Ugh, what time is it?” he yawned.
No ‘Good morning beautiful!’ Or, ‘What a nice surprise to see you here.’
“Half past seven.”
He sighed and pulled the comforter over his head.
I felt the tears come back again, he didn’t want anything to do with me.
“I love you.” I whispered.
“That’s nice to know, now shut up and sleep.”
I slapped him across the face hard and stormed into the bathroom, locking the door behind me and let the tears fall down my cheeks.
He just didn’t care about me anymore. It’s not nice having someone who you thought the world of treat you like shit. It cuts you deep.
There was a faint knock on the door. “Freya?”
“Shut up and sleep.” I mocked, sobbing into my knees.
“I really don’t see the problem.”
“Are you that fucking ignorant? God!”
“Shouldn’t I be screaming at you? You slapped me for Christ’s sake!”
“For a damn good reason!”
“Freya, please…”
“You just don’t love me anymore, do you?”
We both stayed silent for a while.
That was the reason, wasn’t it. He didn’t love me anymore.
“Open this door.”
“No.”
“Open this fucking door.” he spat angrily.
I stood up and fingered the door handle. He sounded pretty angry and he would probably hurt me if I didn’t do as he said.
I slowly opened the door and he pulled me into a big hug. I cried into his shirt.
“Hey babe, it’s okay.” he soothed.
“No it’s not, because I love you but you don’t love me.”
“Don’t you ever say that again, ever. That’s crazy talk, you hear? I love you more than anything and will never love anyone more than I love you. You’re my world Freya, and I’m so sorry I haven’t shown it lately. I’ve been a jerk to you recently and I…” he began crying himself.
“It’s okay, B.”
“No it’s not! You were contemplating breaking up with me, when is that ever good? I was trying to distance myself from you because you’re leaving so damn soon… but it’s no good. I can’t distance myself knowing I’m hurting you like this. I’m a disgusting person and I’m s-so gr-gr-”
Heroin started to have a panic attack so I tried my best to calm him, telling him everything he needed to hear, about how much I loved him and that I forgive him, even if I hadn’t.
I kissed his hand and got him some water, sitting him on the bed. I passed him the cup, rubbing his thigh gently.
“Shh, it’s okay.”
He sipped at it, the tears still streaming down his face. I kissed his cheeks and his breathing just about returned to normal level.
“Are you okay?” I whispered.
“I’ll be fine.” he nodded quickly. “T-Thanks for… calming m-me.”
I put my left hand on his face, carefully wiping away his tears with my thumb. I leaned in for a kiss, as did he. Our lips crashed together and a warm, swelling sensation surrounded my heart. Love, of course.
I broke away and pulled his head into my chest, stroking the side of his face with care.
“Y-You’re a w-wonderful, g-g-gorgeous and a-amazing woman. Thank y-you, l-love.”
I smiled slightly and kissed his head. “Thank you, I’m glad you’ve calmed down now.”
“Yeah, I-I’m a little b-better.” he stuttered. “Only b-because of y-you.”
He sat up, pulled me on top of him on the bed, then put the comforters over us.
“We s-should sleep f-for a-a while.” he nodded.
“Yeah.” I yawned. “That sounds good.”
He hugged me tightly. “I-I love you F-Freya. But d-don’t s-say it back, I k-know you mean i-it, b-but I’m i-in debit b-b-because you t-told me b-before, and I gave a-an ass-hole r-response. So I’m s-sorry and I h-h-hope you f-forgive m-me and y-you’re s-so beauti-”
“You’re rambling.”
He laughed. “I-I am, b-but it’s a-all for a good c-cause. I’m t-talking about m-my f-favorite subject, s-so I could g-g-go on forever i-if I wanted.”
I blushed. “I’m you’re favorite subject?”
“Y-You’re my f-favorite everything.” he squeezed me lovingly and kissed my nose.
“There’s the gushy Heroin I know and love.”
“He’s c-come back f-f-from a shitty v-vacation, and n-now he’s here to s-stay. For a
d-damn long t-time.”