What's It Like to Die Alone?

Will was still fast asleep. It was 9am on the 28th December.
The day I was leaving.
All of my belongings were packed into suitcases and bags, everything.
I’d eaten breakfast, I’d got dressed, washed, had last tests. I was ready to leave right now. There was even a cab waiting outside for me to leave at 9:20.
I couldn’t bring myself to wake him up. Wouldn’t it be better if I left without all the tears and pain? I would probably never see him again after this. I didn’t know where he lived, what he did, when he was getting out. We were probably like a holiday romance. I’d say I’d visit, but deep down I know I wouldn’t.
This ‘I love you’ thing.
I don’t believe in love. It’s all a myth, a lie.
Now, I’m not so sure. I’ve never cared about someone this much before, never craved their touch so much, wanted their arms to be around me as much as I did his.
This was all crazy. I didn’t want to feel the way I did, it was petrifying. It scared me that I relied on him for so much, yet knew so little about him. How was this even possible?
I should leave now. I should leave and never come back, avoid him at all costs. He didn’t need me, I was nothing special, I was someone who wanted the touch of another to accompany me whilst I was in this hell hole.
I’m a walking contradiction.
It’s a hell hole, but I don’t want to leave. I love him, but I don’t believe in love.
I’m such a bitch.
I sat down on the side of the bed, stroking his beautiful face, wiping his bangs out of the way. He was breathing deeply. The sheets were rising up and down with his lungs; they only covered half of his body. His slightly toned torso was so close to being healed, now. I was so proud of him for not cutting in this long.
I bent down and kissed his cheek once. “It was fun whilst it lasted.” I whispered and got off the bed. I began to walk away but a hand was clamped tightly around my wrist. I gasped and turned around, to see his eyes fluttering open.
“You were just going to leave.” he whispered.
He’d had hypnotherapy to cure his stutter.
“I, well, I-”
“You were just going to leave.” he repeated.
Hurt was spread all over his face. I’ve never felt so guilty before. His eyes were starting to well up, his bottom lip trembling. He bit it hard, as an attempt to disguise it.
“Heroin…”
“I didn’t know I meant so little to you.”
“It’s not like that, you mean so much to me that I thought it would be beneficial to you if I left without any pain. I mean, come on, what am I? Nothing. You’re everything, you’ve got everything going for you. You’re going to have girls dripping from your every inch when we get out of here, and I’ll be cast to one side, as I always am. I’m nothing speci-”
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare say that. You’re special, you mean more to me than anything, I would say that was pretty damn special. And that’s where your wrong, I don’t have ‘girls dripping off my every inch’. I never did, and never will. But I don’t want that, Freya. I want you, and only you. I fucking love you, does that mean nothing?”
A tear rolled down my cheek. He pulled me onto the bed and into a hug. “It was fun whilst it lasted, in rehab. It’s going to be even better when we’re out, and will last for a way longer time. It will, I know it will.”
“But how?”
“We…” he paused. “I think we both lack in self confidence, and both crave for some stability. You’re my stability, and you make me feel better about myself. I know you love me because your eyes smile when you say it. Hopefully, you know I love you too because I always feel so over-whelmed every time I say it. We’re going to last.”
I kissed his cheek. “I hope you’re right.”
“I will be, I’m not about much, but I will be this time. I can feel it.”
He kissed my lips once then let go of me.
“You better go now.” he said, wiping away both his tears and mine. “You’ll miss the cab.”
“I’ll visit you, I promise.”
My mindset always changes when he speaks. He always confirms my thoughts about love, even if I don’t want him to.
I really do need him.
“No, I don’t want you to visit me.”
I was a little taken a back. “Because…?”
He pulled out a letter from the drawer next to him. “I’ve written down everything you need to know. It’s all in there. Where we’ll meet up, and basically, my past. I know I haven’t told you much about me and I’m sorry about that. You’ve been really patient with me.”
He kissed my lips again.
“If you read this letter, you can’t visit me. If you don’t read it, you can. However, I’ll be pretty damn hurt if you don’t read it because I put my heart and soul into it. I want you to read it in the cab home. Don’t open it until you’ve left the gates of this place, please. I hope I’m not being too bossy, it just means a lot to me.”
“Okay.” I nodded. “I promise to read it in the cab.”
“Thank you.” he said, crying again. “Please don’t hate me.”
I kissed both of his eyelids gently. “I’ll never hate you. I don’t hate people.”
“But you might hate me. A-anyway, you, um, better go.”
I nodded, gave him a quick hug then broke away, grabbing my stuff. I opened the door.
“I love you, B.”
“I know.” he smiled. “I love you too.”