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What's It Like to Die Alone?
What's It Like To Die Alone? Chapter 20.
To,
You. Freya Jenkins. The love of my life.
I need to get everything off my chest. I’ve been an awful liar to you and I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave me, I love you so much and I’m coping because I know when I get out, you’ll be there.
I hope, anyway.
You’re beautiful face will be smiling up at me, sending happiness through my entire body. You’re beaming blue eyes make me want to hold you in my arms and just hug you.
I know I’m getting off the point, and I could list endlessly everything positive about you, but it would get a little tedious and you wouldn’t believe any of it anyway. You should, though.
So, Freya.
You say that you don’t know about my past, the way I live, who I am. But you know you love me. I wish we could just live like that, but I know it’s impossible for you, so I respect that. I’ll explain everything for you.
I’m twenty-two years old. I have a dog called Bogart. I live in California with my best friend Spencer, in an apartment. Contrary to beliefs, I was actually pretty well liked. People enjoyed my company and would be my friends, even flirt with me.
Crazy, huh?
But the drugs stopped it. They tried to help me, but it all backfired. I became aggressive, I was hurting everyone around me, I was destroying my career, and hurting myself. I had a girlfriend called Sarah. We were even engaged, but the heroin broke us apart, took us on different paths. She didn’t understand me, she couldn’t help me.
If only you’d been there, Freya. You would’ve understood. You do understand, and I’m eternally greatful.
Spencer kicked me off to a rehabilitation center. I was in and out for the days I wan’t working, but a long period of time came up, which made it able for me to stay here. To actually improve.
I wasn’t improving at all. I needed this girl, Freya. I needed her in order to function. She was the fault behind all of my issues, behind all of my mishaps. I kept on holding on to her. I feared that if I let go, I’d let go of myself. I’d lose all hope.
Then I met you.
You helped me forget this teenager that I was so desperately in love with. Of course, I was a teenager at the time also. I’m not a pedophile.
The last glimpse I had of this girl was from graduation. The worst, and essentially best day of my life all rolled into one. I made so many mistakes that day it’s practically impossible to count.
She didn’t love me back. She didn’t believe in love. I was always a true believer in love. A little like our beliefs in religion. You don’t have one, I think there’s a God. It helps, when all else fails, there’s still God.
I love you, Freya Jenkins.
I wish I could turn back time and make her see sense then. We would probably be married now, I think. How wonderful would that be? Oh, I love marriages. They’re always so happy and love filled. Things I live for.
I live for you now, too.
I still can’t quite comprehend why you said yes to being my ‘attachment’. What changed this time? Was I suddenly more appealing to you?
It won’t be because of my money, as you don’t know about my money. Which I’m very glad about. But you wouldn’t do that to me, would you? No, you wouldn’t. You just wouldn’t.
I’m sorry for the amount of times I have cried whilst in rehab. It probably annoys the hell out of you, but I’ve always been an emotional guy. Granted, crying isn’t the solution to everything, but it almost seems out of my control. I just cry and cry. You’ll be there, though. Hugging me and telling me wonderful things without seeming condescending. I don’t know how you do it, but I love you for it. Like when I had that panic attack. They used to be quite frequent, but they died down since I met you in ‘Enlightenment Towers.’ You stopped me from regurgitating all of those old memories, the ones I love to hate. When I thought I was losing you, it was like I was losing myself. I can’t believe how much of an ass-hole I was to you, yet you were still comforting me.
I’m sorry for my stutter. It never normally lasts this long.
Remember high school. You helped me through so much then. You were so damn nice to me, constantly. No matter what I did, you were always there. And I’m determined to pay you back, because you saved me from myself. You… you made me fall in love with you. Deep, deep in love with you.
Truth be told, I’ve been in love with you for years. But I didn’t want to freak you out, so waited until we were a decent amount of time into the relationship. Until you were able to say it back.
I have warned you that I have lied to you. But love is not something I would lie about. Especially not to you, Freya.
The Starbucks nearest rehab is where I’ll be the day I’m let out. I’ll be sat at the table by the window with two coffees at half ten. I’ll wait for you for half an hour. If you don’t turn up, I understand. I wouldn’t want to meet up with me again.
My job.
I’m in a band. I sing, I play guitar, I play piano. I play more instruments too, but that’s irrelevant.
Not just some crappy band, either. We did, and hopefully will continue to do so, do pretty well. Long story short, we’ve sold millions of albums. So it’s all good.
My studies didn’t help me after all, despite the tutoring I was given by the most intelligent and gorgeous tutor known to man. I barely need a scrap of intelligence to do what I do, but it helps.
We’ll be touring soon, which means I’ll be leaving to travel the world for months and months. I love it, but it really fucks up any chance of a relationship.
You’re different. You’ll understand how much I love music.
You will.
I want to kiss you right now, as I’m writing this. I want to hug you tightly, tell you how much I love you and sigh happily as the ‘I love you too, B’ melody fills my ears. And you mean it, you really mean it. Which in turn, means the world to me.
I’m still circling around the point and avoiding it massively. I’m sorry for how much I’ve lied to you.
But it’s not just a name. It’s not, it’s a whole persona. There’s a history surrounding that name. You’d probably prefer it if it was William, but unfortunately it’s not. He’s got a girlfriend and a beautiful little girl now. You should meet them some time.
I love you, Freya. Please never forget that.
You rejected me first time round, accepted me the second because you didn’t know it was me. Fuck, I’m crying right now because I know you’ll be away from me for 2 months in just a few hours. Damn it!
Would you still love me if you knew who it was?
That’s what’s been revolving around my head for 4 years. 4 long, painful years.
I guess I’ll find out the answer to that, dependent on whether you turn up or not.
If you hadn’t guessed already, I’ve only ever been in true love once. The high school girl I wrote about previously, she’s the only person I have told that I’ve loved, and meant it. Really meant it.
Please don’t hate me.
Yours lovingly, and hopefully for a very long time,
Brendon Boyd Urie.
I’m sorry.
You. Freya Jenkins. The love of my life.
I need to get everything off my chest. I’ve been an awful liar to you and I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave me, I love you so much and I’m coping because I know when I get out, you’ll be there.
I hope, anyway.
You’re beautiful face will be smiling up at me, sending happiness through my entire body. You’re beaming blue eyes make me want to hold you in my arms and just hug you.
I know I’m getting off the point, and I could list endlessly everything positive about you, but it would get a little tedious and you wouldn’t believe any of it anyway. You should, though.
So, Freya.
You say that you don’t know about my past, the way I live, who I am. But you know you love me. I wish we could just live like that, but I know it’s impossible for you, so I respect that. I’ll explain everything for you.
I’m twenty-two years old. I have a dog called Bogart. I live in California with my best friend Spencer, in an apartment. Contrary to beliefs, I was actually pretty well liked. People enjoyed my company and would be my friends, even flirt with me.
Crazy, huh?
But the drugs stopped it. They tried to help me, but it all backfired. I became aggressive, I was hurting everyone around me, I was destroying my career, and hurting myself. I had a girlfriend called Sarah. We were even engaged, but the heroin broke us apart, took us on different paths. She didn’t understand me, she couldn’t help me.
If only you’d been there, Freya. You would’ve understood. You do understand, and I’m eternally greatful.
Spencer kicked me off to a rehabilitation center. I was in and out for the days I wan’t working, but a long period of time came up, which made it able for me to stay here. To actually improve.
I wasn’t improving at all. I needed this girl, Freya. I needed her in order to function. She was the fault behind all of my issues, behind all of my mishaps. I kept on holding on to her. I feared that if I let go, I’d let go of myself. I’d lose all hope.
Then I met you.
You helped me forget this teenager that I was so desperately in love with. Of course, I was a teenager at the time also. I’m not a pedophile.
The last glimpse I had of this girl was from graduation. The worst, and essentially best day of my life all rolled into one. I made so many mistakes that day it’s practically impossible to count.
She didn’t love me back. She didn’t believe in love. I was always a true believer in love. A little like our beliefs in religion. You don’t have one, I think there’s a God. It helps, when all else fails, there’s still God.
I love you, Freya Jenkins.
I wish I could turn back time and make her see sense then. We would probably be married now, I think. How wonderful would that be? Oh, I love marriages. They’re always so happy and love filled. Things I live for.
I live for you now, too.
I still can’t quite comprehend why you said yes to being my ‘attachment’. What changed this time? Was I suddenly more appealing to you?
It won’t be because of my money, as you don’t know about my money. Which I’m very glad about. But you wouldn’t do that to me, would you? No, you wouldn’t. You just wouldn’t.
I’m sorry for the amount of times I have cried whilst in rehab. It probably annoys the hell out of you, but I’ve always been an emotional guy. Granted, crying isn’t the solution to everything, but it almost seems out of my control. I just cry and cry. You’ll be there, though. Hugging me and telling me wonderful things without seeming condescending. I don’t know how you do it, but I love you for it. Like when I had that panic attack. They used to be quite frequent, but they died down since I met you in ‘Enlightenment Towers.’ You stopped me from regurgitating all of those old memories, the ones I love to hate. When I thought I was losing you, it was like I was losing myself. I can’t believe how much of an ass-hole I was to you, yet you were still comforting me.
I’m sorry for my stutter. It never normally lasts this long.
Remember high school. You helped me through so much then. You were so damn nice to me, constantly. No matter what I did, you were always there. And I’m determined to pay you back, because you saved me from myself. You… you made me fall in love with you. Deep, deep in love with you.
Truth be told, I’ve been in love with you for years. But I didn’t want to freak you out, so waited until we were a decent amount of time into the relationship. Until you were able to say it back.
I have warned you that I have lied to you. But love is not something I would lie about. Especially not to you, Freya.
The Starbucks nearest rehab is where I’ll be the day I’m let out. I’ll be sat at the table by the window with two coffees at half ten. I’ll wait for you for half an hour. If you don’t turn up, I understand. I wouldn’t want to meet up with me again.
My job.
I’m in a band. I sing, I play guitar, I play piano. I play more instruments too, but that’s irrelevant.
Not just some crappy band, either. We did, and hopefully will continue to do so, do pretty well. Long story short, we’ve sold millions of albums. So it’s all good.
My studies didn’t help me after all, despite the tutoring I was given by the most intelligent and gorgeous tutor known to man. I barely need a scrap of intelligence to do what I do, but it helps.
We’ll be touring soon, which means I’ll be leaving to travel the world for months and months. I love it, but it really fucks up any chance of a relationship.
You’re different. You’ll understand how much I love music.
You will.
I want to kiss you right now, as I’m writing this. I want to hug you tightly, tell you how much I love you and sigh happily as the ‘I love you too, B’ melody fills my ears. And you mean it, you really mean it. Which in turn, means the world to me.
I’m still circling around the point and avoiding it massively. I’m sorry for how much I’ve lied to you.
But it’s not just a name. It’s not, it’s a whole persona. There’s a history surrounding that name. You’d probably prefer it if it was William, but unfortunately it’s not. He’s got a girlfriend and a beautiful little girl now. You should meet them some time.
I love you, Freya. Please never forget that.
You rejected me first time round, accepted me the second because you didn’t know it was me. Fuck, I’m crying right now because I know you’ll be away from me for 2 months in just a few hours. Damn it!
Would you still love me if you knew who it was?
That’s what’s been revolving around my head for 4 years. 4 long, painful years.
I guess I’ll find out the answer to that, dependent on whether you turn up or not.
If you hadn’t guessed already, I’ve only ever been in true love once. The high school girl I wrote about previously, she’s the only person I have told that I’ve loved, and meant it. Really meant it.
Please don’t hate me.
Yours lovingly, and hopefully for a very long time,
Brendon Boyd Urie.
I’m sorry.
♠ ♠ ♠
Okay, so this is over and done with. The sequel will be up straight after this.Comments please, as this is the last one? :D