What's It Like to Die Alone?

“No she doesn’t hate me I swear!”
“Sir, we have been told to make sure you do not see her whilst-”
“Ask her then! Ask her to see if she wants to see me!”
I opened the door slowly and smiled. “I want to see him.”
“Freya, it’s not safe for you to be in a room together.” warned Nurse Kim.
“Give us a condom, then.”
She blushed furiously and ran off. B contained his laughter until she disappeared then burst with giggles and high-fived me.
“Touché Freya, touché.”
I held his hand and shut my door, locking it with the key. We started walking towards the garden and I rested my head on his shoulder. “I’m so tired.” I yawned.
“I know it’s late and I’m sorry for keeping you up. But it’s been several days and I needed to see you.”
We continued to the pond, sitting on the wooden decking.
He put an arm around my shoulders and kissed my forehead. We stayed silent for a while.
“I’m doing good, right?”
I looked up at him. “What do you mean.”
“With us, if I’m being an ass, then just say. I want to know if I’m doing good.”
I put a hand on his thigh. “You’re doing well, yes.”
“Don’t correct my grammar, you.” he said sternly, then broke into a smile.
“I’m not…”
“Oh yes you are.”
I laughed and buried my head into his chest. He hugged me and slowly rubbed my back, making soothing noises and singing what sounded a little like Michael Buble. Heroin sang amazingly, but I didn’t comment on it. I just listened carefully and remained quiet.
I let my eyes flutter shut and gently rubbed my thumb up and down his thigh.
“You’re so close to sleep.” he whispered. “I’ll carry you.”
“No, it’s okay.” I said, moving away from him.
“I’m carrying you whether you like it or not. Come on, I’m in a new room now, not a padded one for the insane anymore, one just like yours. Come sleep with me.”
I didn’t have the strength to disagree so made a contented noise. He picked me up bridal style and kissed my nose. It didn’t take long to reach his room, and he kicked open the door, placing me on his bed. He slid off my shoes and hoodie.
“Uhm, I have a shirt if you want that for pajamas.” he blushed, scratching the back of his neck.
“Okay.” I mumbled and slowly stood up. I stripped down to my underwear and he passed me a loose fitting shirt. I quickly slipped it on, which was like a dress on me. He locked his door and got down to his underwear, then put on some pajama pants. I crawled into bed and he did also, turning off the lights.
“Hey.” he whispered.
“Hey?”
“What’s up.”
I laughed a little. “Let me sleep, please. I’ll be a little less boring in the morning, I promise.”
“What can we do?”
“We can… well, we can’t do anything ‘till 11am because of weighing, pills etc. But after wards we could… dance around the pond?”
He laughed. “Sure, okay. And we can go hunting for the sugar-plum fairy while we’re at it.”
“Hey! It was only a suggestion.”
“I know sweetie, I know. Granted, there’s not much to do in rehab besides get better. It’s not romantic at all. We could escape for a little bit.”
“No we can’t, B. There’s a reason we’re here and I’m not going out until I can handle it.”
“Okay, that’s sensible.”
He pressed his lips to mine once, breaking away, leaving my lips in a pouted position.
“Sleep, honey. I’ll come up with something while I watch you drift into unconsciousness.”
“Mhm.” I smiled faintly and slid under the covers. He remained sat up, stroking my cheek softly. I fell asleep almost instantaneously.
----------------------------------------------------
I woke up and yawned, stretching my arms. I rolled to the side and opened my eyes.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“I didn’t want to wake you up and you looked so comfortable, so I slept on the floor…”
“Get up here, B!”
He sat up, moaning due to the stiffness and crawled into bed with me, cuddling in tight.
“You’re so warm.” he smiled against my stomach.
“You’re so cold.” I laughed. “But thank you for being so considerate.”
I cuddled him too and lifted up his limp arm. “Your cuts are fading.” I smiled widely. “I’m so proud of you.”
He placed his hand on my cheek and stroked it using his thumb. “You’re becoming curvy again, and I’m proud of you also. We’re becoming normal again.” he smiled widely. I kissed his cheek and pulled him closer.
“Hello, boyfriend.”
I could practically hear him smiling.
“Hey, girlfriend.”
“Did you come up with anything for us to do?”
“Oh right, yeah! I thought that we could go for a walk, with your camera, into the flower gardens and do whatever we feel like doing there.”
“That sounds cool.” I smiled. “I’ve never been into the flower gardens before, are they pretty?”
“Very.” he nodded. “But not as pretty as you.”
“You’re so damn cheesy.”
“Yes?”
I laughed and kissed his lips. Heroin put his hand on the back of my neck and slowly broke away.
“I’m gonna miss you.”
“I know, as you keep saying, and I’m sorry B.”
“I’ve got to stop complaining.” he said, shaking his head. “It’s only making you feel bad, which in turn, makes me feel awful.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t apologize, it’s my fault.” he sighed and got out of bed, grabbing some clothes from his drawers. I slid down under the covers so he could change without me watching. Why was he upset with me? I can’t help it if I’m getting better. I like him a lot, but I like my freedom that little bit more. There’s no freedom here, you are constantly watched and I hate it. There was bound to be a camera in this room, if not more. He couldn’t be trusted and the nurses knew that.
If only they saw him how I do, a sweet but vulnerable guy. He doesn’t want to be treated like someone insane, he’s not. He’s misunderstood, and seems to have trust issues.
Sometimes he’s really cocky and ignorant, but more often than not, he’s caring and lovely. He’ll hug me for the sake of it, tell me I’m beautiful and blush if I compliment him or something along those lines. That’s the true Heroin, or whatever he was called. It didn’t matter.
I came back up from the sheets and blinked a few times. He was sat on the end of the bed, fully dressed, his head in his hands. I crept up to him and slipped my arms around his waist, placing my head on his shoulder.
“What’s wrong?”
“Me. I’m wrong.”
“Care to expand…”
“It doesn’t need explaining. I’m wrong in the head, wrong in my outlook and wrong for you.”
I lifted up his head with my fingers and kissed his nose. “Do you think I would have said ‘yes’ to being your attachment if I thought you were wrong for me? I don’t tell you what you want to hear, I tell you what I actually mean. So accept it.”
He half smiled and kissed my cheek. “I forgot about that.”
I pressed my lips to his and he smiled into the kiss. He wrapped his arms around my waist and I moved so my legs were either side of his hips. I draped my arms around his shoulders and he licked my bottom lip, seeking entrance. I parted slightly and he swept his tongue in, kissing me with passion. I kissed back and his door burst open, several nurses and doctors shouting.
“Get off of her!”
His shoulders fell and he broke away. He mouthed “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry.” I mouthed back.
“What an earth are you doing? We told you to stay away from her, and you kiss her? She was doing so well and you’ll only hurt her!”
“I told you.” he nodded and gently set me aside on to the bed. “I told you I’d hurt you.”
“But you won’t.” I said, placing my hand on top of his. “I know you won’t, I don’t bruise easily.”
“Freya, come on, back to your room.” said Dr Kati.
“I don’t want to, I’m happy here.”
“He’ll-”
“He won’t harm me in any way, shape or form. I like him a lot and it doesn’t affect you whether we date or not. You don’t understand him and how long has he been here? And has he improved? No, the answer is he hasn’t. But now I’m here, he has. I wasn’t improving until I met him. So I’d appreciate it if you left us both alone other than the times that we have to see you for our schedule.”
The nurses and doctors looked at each other, whispering a few incoherent mumblings. They nodded then turned to us. “If you hurt each other, you’re banned, okay?”
I nodded and they left, shutting the door.
Heroin had a few tears falling down his cheeks. I rubbed his hand softly. “It’s okay.”
“I d-don’t want to hurt you but I know I will and-”
“Hey, get it out of your head. You’re my boyfriend now and I like you a lot, of course I’m going to stick up for you. They had no right saying what they did.”
“Mmm.”
“You want a hug?”
He nodded slightly and I hugged him tightly, rubbing his back. “It’s okay, shh.” I cooed.
I felt his warm tears dampen my shirt. Well, his shirt, but whatever.
“I’m an emotional wreck all the time. I’m sorry.”
“No you’re not, it’s only when they try to split us or they try to interfere with something else. It’s them who do this to you, it’s not your fault at all.”
“I guess, but I’m a jerk to you, that’s my fault.”
“No you’re not! Remember last night? You were calling me sweetie and honey and you came to see me just because you missed me. You call me beautiful all the time and you even slept on the freezing cold floor just so you wouldn’t disturb me. I would say that was something only a kick-ass boyfriend would do.”
He smiled and kissed my cheek, pulling me even closer. “So you don’t blame me?”
“Why the hell would I, B?”
“Because… because everyone blames me for everything else.”
“Then they’re wrong. And you keep telling yourself that.”