All You Did Was Save My Life

Have you ever wished you were never born? Have you ever truly wanted to end your life? Have you ever felt like not even your family cares about you and just involve you in things because your 'Part of the family'? Have you ever been at a party or gathering and felt completely alone and invisible? I guess the answer would be yes. At least, that's what my therapist tells me.

Sorry, I should introduce myself. My name is Elizabeth Svetlana Chernova. Yes, I am of Russian decent. My grand parents moved to Canada from Russia when my mother was four and I've lived here my whole life, but my mother still chose to give me a middle name that screams, I'm Russian. Not that I have any problem with my Russian heritage. I love it in fact.

Anyway, As I'm sure you can tell from my first statement I'm a bit.....What's the word.....Fucked Up! Everything before I was ten was just peachy, but then something changed. My Anxiety and Depression began and my once close relationship with friends and family all but went to hell. Since then I've been pretty Isolated, I spend most of my time alone in my room when I'm not at work. Oh, I should mention I had to go to a special school from grade 10 - 12. No I don't mean special as in insane, they worked specially with teens with anxiety disorders. So other then my equally messed up classmates and one friend I didn't get much human interaction. So 8 years of Hell and here I am, other then work and hanging out with my one friend every so often I am always alone. So many reasons to be happy, Huh? I swear if it weren't for Music and Hockey I'd have killed myself already!

My mom was surprised and happy when I got a job as soon as I turned sixteen but really I only had one goal in mind, Which leads me to my next point,

I'm going to Russia.

I told my Mom I wanted to go there to see where my family comes from, which is true. The lie comes when I told her that I would be there for three weeks. Truthfully, I am NEVER coming back! I'm going to start a new life in Russia. I have been taking a course at the University, learning how to speak Russian and I have enough of a grip on it to survive there. I mean I'm pretty much invisible here and no one talks to me so why would it be any different there?

My flight leaves in about two hours. My bags are packed and I'm all ready, just sitting on my bed and thinking. I admit I will....miss my mother. Although we are not close and I hope she doesn't take me staying in Russia too hard. I will keep in touch with her of course. I mean my sister moved to Toronto this is just a few more hours then that.....Okay A LOT more hours. But still. My stomach is churning, I feel nervous. But excited too! I can't wait to get to Moscow!

"Lizzy, Its time to go." My mother calls from behind my door.

"Okay. I'll be out in a sec." I pick up my two suitcases off the floor and throw my purse over my shoulder, examining my room to make sure I have everything and also to take in the place I have spent so many hours for one last time.

When we arrived at the airport I turned to my mother and put my suitcases down on the ground.

"I guess I have to go now..." She nodded her head and wrapped her arms around me in a warm hug.

"I'll see you in three weeks." I felt a pang of guilt in my stomach and swallowed hard, forcing a nod.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

I picked up my belongings and made my way through the airport, guiltily trying not to look back.

As the plane took off my head rested against the window staring down at the tree's and building's as the went by. I sighed and pulled my iPod out of my pocket, turning on my favorite Slayer song.

This is for the best.