If You Let Me
1/1
The bright blue pills beckoned to me, softly and sweetly like she never did.
I didn’t know what they were for. It didn’t really matter, though. They looked serious. Enough of them would do the job. I was sure that any would, if I took enough. But these were the ones that I wanted. Slowly, shakily, I picked up the orange pill bottle. The prescription label read Tamara Terracotta. My mother would not be pleased with me taking her pills. But that really didn’t matter. With my music repeating in the background of my room, nothing mattered. Only the pills. They called to me. I had to give in.
my pain is not ashamed to repeat itself...
***
“Alexander!”
“...huh...?” slowly, I rose my head from my desk. In front of me stood my teacher. He seemed to radiate anger. But why? I wasn’t sleeping. Merely thinking of her. Her... “S-sorry... I... I'm awake.” My cheeks burned red. She was watching. Even after he turned away, she continued to watch. Slyly. As if she was embarrassed. She was embarrassed, and would be even more so if she was caught looking. But I captured her interest. Always had. That was why she always came to me. Or so I thought...
Her beautiful grey stare burned a hole in me. She batted her long eyelashes as I met her gaze, turning away with rosy cheeks when I smiled. My heart dropped. She was ashamed; she didn’t want to be caught associating with me. The freak.
If only they knew.
All the times she had associated with me, when no one was around. There was only our bare skin. Escalated breathing. Just us. Only us. If only they knew...
This was why I never understood why I couldn’t have her. So willing was she to give herself to me when no one knew. I would treat her so much better. Every time someone new broke her, I was the one to put her back together. She was so beautiful, so intelligent... she deserved so much more. I could give her anything, would give her everything. She was all I wanted.
***
The soft knock on my door, late that night, was expected. She was back.
When I opened my door, she was there. More beautiful than ever. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying, and her face was wet and tear streaked, but that didn’t matter. She was beautiful. Her arms opened to me, and I enveloped her in my grasp. I breathed in the scent of her hair, listened to her soft breathing. “Alexander...” she whispered. “It hurts. So much... Please, fix it...”
With one finger, I lifted her chin to meet her eyes. I smiled warmly, and bent down to kiss her. Softly. Sweetly. Reassuringly. “I will... Don’t you worry, I will.”
***
That was the last time.
I poured my heart out to her. We sat on my couch, hand in hand. Wrapped in blankets and body heat, tangled together. I poured out my every thought about her on that couch. And I asked her to be mine. But she couldn’t do it. Wouldn’t do it. She wouldn’t let me have her. I told her that I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t be her band aid forever. She told me that was fine. She would find somebody else. With ease.
“I was only using you, anyway.”
Her soft words, so malicious, were spoken so kindly. It was awing. Heartbreaking. It crushed me. I couldn’t think. My whole body went numb. My heart shattered into a million tiny fragments. And then she walked out of my life.
She had been all I had ever wanted, and she had never wanted me. That was my only thought as I opened the bottle with shaky hands. Pill by bright blue pill, I swallowed them dry. Their plastic coatings stuck to my tongue. They were tasteless. I counted them as I swallowed, until the bottle was empty. Forty-nine. The soft music echoed in my empty mind as I drifted to sleep. My last slumber.
and i'll love you, if you let me
and i'll love you, if you won't make me starve...
my pain's not ashamed to repeat itself.
I didn’t know what they were for. It didn’t really matter, though. They looked serious. Enough of them would do the job. I was sure that any would, if I took enough. But these were the ones that I wanted. Slowly, shakily, I picked up the orange pill bottle. The prescription label read Tamara Terracotta. My mother would not be pleased with me taking her pills. But that really didn’t matter. With my music repeating in the background of my room, nothing mattered. Only the pills. They called to me. I had to give in.
my pain is not ashamed to repeat itself...
***
“Alexander!”
“...huh...?” slowly, I rose my head from my desk. In front of me stood my teacher. He seemed to radiate anger. But why? I wasn’t sleeping. Merely thinking of her. Her... “S-sorry... I... I'm awake.” My cheeks burned red. She was watching. Even after he turned away, she continued to watch. Slyly. As if she was embarrassed. She was embarrassed, and would be even more so if she was caught looking. But I captured her interest. Always had. That was why she always came to me. Or so I thought...
Her beautiful grey stare burned a hole in me. She batted her long eyelashes as I met her gaze, turning away with rosy cheeks when I smiled. My heart dropped. She was ashamed; she didn’t want to be caught associating with me. The freak.
If only they knew.
All the times she had associated with me, when no one was around. There was only our bare skin. Escalated breathing. Just us. Only us. If only they knew...
This was why I never understood why I couldn’t have her. So willing was she to give herself to me when no one knew. I would treat her so much better. Every time someone new broke her, I was the one to put her back together. She was so beautiful, so intelligent... she deserved so much more. I could give her anything, would give her everything. She was all I wanted.
***
The soft knock on my door, late that night, was expected. She was back.
When I opened my door, she was there. More beautiful than ever. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying, and her face was wet and tear streaked, but that didn’t matter. She was beautiful. Her arms opened to me, and I enveloped her in my grasp. I breathed in the scent of her hair, listened to her soft breathing. “Alexander...” she whispered. “It hurts. So much... Please, fix it...”
With one finger, I lifted her chin to meet her eyes. I smiled warmly, and bent down to kiss her. Softly. Sweetly. Reassuringly. “I will... Don’t you worry, I will.”
***
That was the last time.
I poured my heart out to her. We sat on my couch, hand in hand. Wrapped in blankets and body heat, tangled together. I poured out my every thought about her on that couch. And I asked her to be mine. But she couldn’t do it. Wouldn’t do it. She wouldn’t let me have her. I told her that I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t be her band aid forever. She told me that was fine. She would find somebody else. With ease.
“I was only using you, anyway.”
Her soft words, so malicious, were spoken so kindly. It was awing. Heartbreaking. It crushed me. I couldn’t think. My whole body went numb. My heart shattered into a million tiny fragments. And then she walked out of my life.
She had been all I had ever wanted, and she had never wanted me. That was my only thought as I opened the bottle with shaky hands. Pill by bright blue pill, I swallowed them dry. Their plastic coatings stuck to my tongue. They were tasteless. I counted them as I swallowed, until the bottle was empty. Forty-nine. The soft music echoed in my empty mind as I drifted to sleep. My last slumber.
and i'll love you, if you let me
and i'll love you, if you won't make me starve...
my pain's not ashamed to repeat itself.