With Eyes Wide Shut

“You’ll never be as good as the rest of us, you worthless child.” His voice boomed throughout the room, speech slurred, smacking me hard to the ground.

Tears fell from my eyes, but I was used to this. Daddy always said that I wasn’t as good as the rest of my family. He never made it clear why he would say something like that, but I didn’t question him. I’ve learned never to question Daddy, because when you question Daddy, you pay.

“You’re so ugly and disgusting, you’re a disgrace. Everything about you is wrong!” He insulted again, using the same insults he’s used since this all started. He slammed my head to the ceramic tile. I lifted my head slowly, weakly, and saw blood, but I just took it. Nothing could stop him…

I look at my face in the mirror, seeing something hideous.

“I’m so disgusting.” I said out loud, a tear falling down my face. I quickly wiped it and brushed my long wavy brown hair over my shoulder. I pulled out my makeup bag and started caking makeup on, hoping that it would conceal all my flaws and defects.

“We have to leave in 10 minutes, Mel.” I heard my older brother, Jason, call from the kitchen.
I said nothing and quickly finished applying my makeup, making sure I looked as fake as possible. I ran to my room and grabbed my backpack, looking in my mirror again, checking and rechecking my makeup. I put my makeup bag in my purse so I could do some touch ups between classes, since one application of makeup wasn’t enough anymore.
I got into the kitchen and sat at the table, taking out my compact.

“Mel, do you seriously need to look in the mirror every five minutes?” Jason asked, taking a bite out of a piece of toast.

“Yes, I do.” I said monotonously, taking out my eyeliner, seeing that the right eye wasn’t applied quite dark enough.

“Are you obsessed with yourself or something?” He asked again.

“No. I hate myself, so I try to make myself look like something I’m not, so people don’t have to see the real me and how hideous I actually am.” I said, sounding detached from conversation.

“Mel, you’re not hideous. You’re beautiful. There is nothing wrong with the way you look.”
“Yes there is, there always has been. There’s nothing I can do about it but cover it up, and even that isn’t enough anymore.” I said, snapping my compact closed, looking at Jason, who was the image of the guy everyone wanted to know: shaggy dirty blonde hair, nice muscular build, perfect height, amazing style.

I try to emulate him, shopping with him and picking out all the trendiest clothes, but somehow nothing seems to look right on me. I always look frumpy, fat, or just not right in all the clothes, even though Jason says I look amazing in everything I try on. I think he’s just trying to make me feel better about myself.

Jason sighed, sitting next to me. “Mel, is this all because of what Dad said to you? You’re actually believing all his lies?”

“They’re not lies, though, that’s the thing. They’re the absolute truth. I am hideous, I am ugly, I am a disgrace, and I’m worthless.” I said.

Jason sighed in frustration, massaging his temples. “We’ll talk about this after school, when Mom’s home.”

I sighed and got off the chair.

“Are you going to eat anything?” Jason asked, throwing his backpack over his shoulder.

I shook my head. “I don’t want to mess up my lip gloss.” I said, going out the door. I heard Jason sigh as we both got into his car.

Once at school, Jason and I were swarmed by our friends. While Jason took all the attention in, I was standoff-ish, not really wanting my presence known in my group of friends. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be around such an attractive group of people.
“Hey Mel, you okay?” Stephanie asked.

I nodded. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

They all nodded, smiling, and I went into the bathroom.

I gripped the sides of the sink, staring myself down in the mirror.

Why can’t I be pretty, why can’t I be as attractive as everyone else?

My anger towards myself finally came out. My fists collided with the mirror, shattering it, cutting my hands open, shards stuck in my hands. I ignored the pain and smiled ever so slightly. I felt relieved that I didn’t have to stare at my horrendous reflection.

I then dropped to my knees, hyperventilating. Why did I do that? How will I be able to see myself?

I grabbed my hair and pulled at it forcefully, bringing my forehead down to the floor, feeling shards of glass cutting into it. I screamed and started sobbing. I sat up and grabbed a huge shard of glass, concentrating on it. I then started bringing it towards my face, specifically my eyes. If I can’t see myself and can’t see others, then I won’t have to worry about my appearance. The point of the glass met my skin, and before I could have any second guesses about this, I dug the tip into my eye, screaming in pain, but laughing at the same time, thinking that this will all be over.

I saw the blood dripping from my left eye, slowly losing sight in my right eye.

“MEL! What the hell are you doing?!” I heard Jason’s voice say. He wrestled the piece of glass from my grasp and soon after I passed out.

I woke up in a hospital room, vision in my left eye, bandages and gauze over my right.
“Ms. Johnson, if you don’t mind, I’m going to read you your diagnosis.” The doctor said.

I looked over at the doctor, saying nothing.

“You’re permanently blind in your right eye; you’ll never get your sight in that eye back.”
I started crying, but not for the reason he was thinking. I wasn’t crying because I lost my sight, but because I still had half of it.

I just can’t escape this hell.