Guilt

Julianne blinked up at her house with its blank, sunshine-blinded eyes and felt no inclination to step inside her front door again that day. Kelly would no doubt be upset upon seeing Julianne hanging out with Matt again—no matter how much she didn’t really want to. Matt seemed to be the only person Julianne could turn to, however. She didn’t seem to have any other choice. And if Kelly was more upset than he had been before, by golly, he would probably lock Julianne in a closet until she swore with her entire being that she wouldn’t hang around Matt anymore. She didn’t trust her house anymore—or, at least not the ghost lounging inside of it.

“I’ve got a spare bedroom at my house,” Matt said, pulling Julianne from her thoughts. She looked around at him, forcing back the relief draining into her blood. It was almost like he knew she didn’t want to go back into her house. “I have loads of extra toiletries and such at my house; one of the guys always seems to be showing up after his girlfriend kicked him out for the night, begging for a place to stay.”

“I don’t want to be a burden,” Julianne replied hastily. She really wanted to accept Matt’s offer, despite the guilt she’d no doubt feel the following morning, but she felt cowardly running away from her house like this. In the back of her mind, she knew how mad Kelly would be upon realizing that Julianne was actually crashing at Matt’s house, but chose to ignore it. It was easier that way.

“No burden,” Matt retorted, already sliding the car into reverse and backing out of Julianne’s driveway, the car bouncing slightly as it transitioned from her driveway to the paved neighborhood street. “It’s what friends do, you know?”

“Yeah,” Julianne answered, looking up into the rearview mirror as her house disappeared around the corner.

{*****}

“I seriously need to organize myself better,” Matt muttered as he hunted through the mound of clothes shoved into the back corner of his closet. Julianne stood in the doorway into his bedroom, watching him as he dug through his old, abandoned clothes for something that Julianne wouldn’t look like she was swimming in. At the moment, all she could see of him was from his knees down.

“It’s fine if they don’t fit exactly right,” Julianne offered, stepping forward into Matt’s room. She stopped next to the open closet door, leaning around the doorframe to peer into the closet. The pile of clothes Matt was searching in vain through went up above Julianne’s knees.

“I’ll find something,” Matt insisted. “Aha! See!” He emerged from the mountain of clothing holding a plain black t-shirt and a pair of gray sweatpants. One corner of Julianne’s lips tilted slightly upward, and she reached down to pluck a worn off-yellow sock out of Matt’s hair. She dropped it on top of the pile of clothing and accepted the shirt and pants from Matt.

“Thanks,” Julianne said and turned around to head out to the bathroom. She brushed her teeth with a fresh toothbrush and a mini tube of toothpaste that Matt set out beforehand and washed her face before dressing in the clothes Matt gave her. The shirt’s sleeves hung down nearly to her elbows, but the bottom hem was about the right length. However, Julianne had to roll the top of the sweatpants several times before she could find her feet in the folds of soft material. The pants fit nicely around her hips, though, and Julianne decided Matt had done a nice job hunting down clothes that actually fit her. She neatly folded the clothes she had been wearing and then stepped back out into the hallway.

“So, do they fit you alright?” Matt asked as they passed each other in the hallway. He was heading towards the recently vacated bathroom as she went towards the spare bedroom.

“Yeah, they fit great,” Julianne answered with a nod.

“Glad to hear it,” Matt said. “I turned everything off and locked all the doors and windows up downstairs, so you can head to bed now if you want.”

“Okay,” Julianne answered. “Good night, Matt.”

“Don’t let the bedbugs bite,” Matt replied instantly. Suddenly, he looked very serious. “I’m being honest. Bedbugs are nasty suckers. I haven’t had a problem with them in this house, but I’ve known people who knew people who had a bedbug infestation. It was horrid.”

“Oh, shush,” Julianne snapped playfully, reaching out and punching Matt’s arm. “Thanks for letting me stay, Matt.”

“No problem,” Matt answered. “If you need more blankets or pillows or anything, just let me know. I’ll try to hunt down some clean blankets for you. They’re around here somewhere.”

“I’m sure whatever’s on the bed will be fine,” Julianne said with a nod. Matt nodded and they repeated farewells before dispersing towards their different rooms.

Julianne lay awake for nearly half an hour, waiting for sleep to overcome her. She heard Matt walk back and forth down the length of the hallway checking windows and turning off lights before he retired into his room. Her room was pitch black; she’d drawn the curtains over the window. It was a full moon that night, and she had a room that faced the moon. It would shine straight into her face if she had the curtains withdrawn.

Julianne wondered if she would be plagued by nightmares. She was in Matt’s house now—would Kelly still be able to reach her, to implant these horrid dreams into her subconscious? Kelly was more powerful than Julianne ever assumed—proven by his show of power earlier that day, what with the slamming doors and clinking glasses—so anything could be possible.

Finally, after an hour, Julianne decided she wouldn’t be able to just fall asleep. Her eyelids just seemed unable to close. Her body wouldn’t relax. She blamed it on the tension in her body—here she was, spending the night at Matt’s house, pretty much asking for Kelly’s anger on a fractured china plate. Kelly wouldn’t be happy when she returned home the following day. It was the dread of that moment that Julianne found it impossible to sleep.

Without any input from Julianne, her legs slid out from underneath the covers. They carried her out of her room and down the hallway towards Matt’s room. Her fingertips skimmed across his wall to keep track of where she was. Finally, her fingers met with cool wood, and she found the doorknob before pushing Matt’s bedroom door open.

Matt had left his curtains open. Even though his room didn’t face the moon, it still glowed with the dim luminescence of the moon. She could easily make Matt out, lying on his bed with the sheet tucked neatly underneath his arms. He was wide awake.

Matt propped himself up on one elbow, looking across the room at Julianne. She stood in a pocket of shadow that the light from the moon did not reach. There was still a chance for her to turn back and go to her room—or even to leave the house completely. Instead, Julianne stepped forward into the light.

“Can’t sleep either?” Matt inquired. Julianne shook her head silently. Matt slid over in his bed and slung the covers back on the side he wasn’t occupying. He looked up at Julianne and patted the empty space next to him. Julianne stepped forward without thinking and slid into the empty space of Matt’s bed. She pulled the sheet up over her torso, and Matt curled an arm around her shoulders, pulling her gently against his side.

“Just one of those nights, you know?” Julianne said, staring up at the ceiling. Matt’s arm felt warm where it rested against the nape of her neck. Oh, she was in deep shit with Kelly now.

“This probably isn’t the best time...but why are you suddenly avoiding me?” Matt asked a few minutes later. Julianne shifted under Matt’s arm, and his skin tightened against hers, almost like he could feel her wanting to escape and run.

“I’m not avoiding you,” Julianne answered, feigning innocence. Matt snorted incredulously.

“Oh, so let me guess. Your phone has broken so you can’t answer nor return my calls. Your door just magically locks itself every time I come over, and whenever I come to the auto shop in a desperate attempt to see you, you always seem to be unavailable,” Matt said, his voice hardening. “Yep, seems to me like you’re avoiding me.”

“You wouldn’t understand even if I explained it,” Julianne muttered.

“You like me, don’t you? I mean, I like you a lot and I’m more than willing to accept it, but you keep running from it,” Matt answered, seeming to ignore Julianne’s comment.

“I’m not running,” Julianne retorted. “Where do you equate that I am running?”

“Ever since that kiss...our relationship hasn’t been the same,” Matt said. “You’ve been pulling away. Why? I’m single. You’re single. How is there a problem?”

“I’m not running,” Julianne insisted, deciding not to comment on Matt’s latest revelation. She turned away from Matt to roll out of his bed and go back to her own in the spare bedroom, but before she could do so, Matt hooked a finger under her chin and lifted her lips to his. She wanted to pull away, but some inner force stopped her.

Matt pulled his lips away just far enough to speak. “Prove it,” he whispered, his lips feather-light against Julianne’s. On its own accord, her neck stretched upward to press her lips against Matt’s. Julianne knew she couldn’t and shouldn’t, but she also realized that she’d regret not doing it more in the morning. Some irrationalized want—no, need—to wake up next to a warm body pressed against hers, arms wrapped securely around her waist, rose up in her breast. She’d been a lonely woman over the past year and several months. And Matt...well, there were way worse men she could be lying with right now. Way worse.

Matt grabbed Julianne’s hips and rolled them over so that he was lying with his weight resting gently on Julianne. His body radiated heat, and Julianne knew she couldn’t turn back now. She wouldn’t turn back now. His tongue slipped past her lips, darting against her cheeks, and his hands reached for the hem of her shirt.

Julianne’s hands curled over Matt’s knuckles, stalling him. He pulled his lips apart from hers. His eyes, dark with lust, peered into her chocolate brown ones. The dim moonlight splashed across his skin, dusting it with silver. Julianne wondered if she’d ever seen something so appealing, so irresistible.

“Just let it go,” Matt breathed. Slowly, Julianne released Matt’s hands and cupped his face with her hands, pulling his lips against hers once more.

By slow degrees that night, Julianne did let go.