Guilt

“Kelly and I met on the first day of pre-school. I barely remember it, but when I get to thinking really hard about it, I can conjure up one little flash of his smiling face, but that’s about it. According to our mothers, we were inseparable from the get-go. We were both kind of shy when we were younger, and as shy people tend to do, we hung close. During pre-school, my mom always tells me that Kelly and I were always at each other’s side. We slept on each other during nap time, shared the pudding we got with our lunch, and all that other little kid friend stuff.

“All through elementary school, middle school, and high school, we were great friends. The two of us gained friends and lost friends, but we never lost each other. Finally, during senior year, Kelly struck up the courage to ask me on a date. His anxiety was so sweet. I think our first date is the memory I like to reflect upon the most. He was so nervous about impressing me. I lost count of how many times he dropped his fork. He became clumsy when he was nervous, you see.” Julianne smiled slightly at the memory. Matt saw the tiniest flicker of happiness and joy in her eyes, but it died away as soon as it appeared. He squeezed Julianne’s hand encouragingly. She switched her gaze from her lap to his face, and one corner of her mouth tilted slightly upward before she continued.

“College was rather convenient for the two of us. We worried nothing about the separation college would bring. Both of us planned on becoming teachers. We went to the same college. Instead of living in a dormitory, we lived in an apartment together. It was perfect.

“Towards the end of junior year in college, Kelly proposed. He was nervous then too—even though he had no reason to be. I didn’t even have to think about it before I said yes. It was an obligation, I think, and I knew I didn’t want to spend my life with anyone other than him. We had our wedding after graduation. It was a beautiful wedding. Another fond memory of mine.

“After our wedding, we both got jobs at Huntington Beach High. We never realized just how perfect our life would become. It seemed like destiny pulled us together and nothing could separate us. If only I’d known how it would end...” Julianne trailed, and her voice sounded as though it were weighed down with twenty ten-ton weights. A tear slipped past her eyelid, and Matt reached up a quick hand to swipe it away.

“I was an English teacher,” Julianne continued after a few moments of deep breathing to reign in her emotions. “Kelly taught Spanish. One year and four months—that was how long we lived in marital bliss. Disaster struck soon after.

“Ever since high school, Kelly made it quite clear that he wanted children. One, two, five, ten, however many I could give him, he wanted. I wanted kids too, but I thought that stage of our life would be much further down the road. One night, we got in a huge argument over it. Kelly didn’t want to wait any longer. He thought he’d given me more than enough time to prepare myself for motherhood, and he wanted a baby now. I wanted to wait longer, however, make sure everything was tied down and for certain. I wanted to get more of our house paid off. I didn’t believe I was ready yet, and Kelly didn’t seem to understand.

“We argued forever about the matter. Neither of us could make the other one see our way of thinking. It was like playing tug-of-war with two teams of equal strength and endurance. Eventually, it boiled over and Kelly, who hated fighting and arguments, stormed out to go on a drive to calm himself down. Before he left, something rose up from my boiling blood and before I knew what I was doing, I’d yelled ‘I hate you!’ after him. It was, of course, the last thing he ever heard me tell him.

“I knew the perfection we lived couldn’t last forever!” Julianne exclaimed with sudden anger. “I should’ve known that fate was giving us a false sense of security before it ripped everything out from beneath me, tore everything I cherished right out of my fingers.

“Kelly got in a car crash that night. It was a collision at an intersection. The other guy ran a red light. Wrong time, wrong place. I expected Kelly to live. He was healthy, resilient, and how could our perfection ever be tarnished?” Julianne’s voice grew suddenly very bitter. Her tears were coming faster now, and thicker, so that Matt couldn’t keep up with them. He gave up and simply went to patting Julianne’s hand soothingly.

“Right as I walked into his hospital room, Kelly died. All the machines attached to him started going berserk. It was so soon after Kelly arrived that the doctor and nurse were still setting up some of the machines. They rushed to save him, but no such luck. We’d had good luck all our lives...It had to end somewhere.

“I was okay for a while. I grieved, felt endless pools of sorrow, but I was okay. It was after the funeral that I began to fall apart at the seams. The funeral seemed to finalize everything, I think, and it all came crashing down onto my shoulders that my husband was dead. I started to label myself as the cause of Kelly’s death. You know, if I hadn’t argued with him over the baby thing—if I’d just taken myself off the pill like he wanted, fucked him a few times, let him have whatever the hell he wanted, he would be here and I wouldn’t be in this stupid hospital crying with some guy I met at work.

“A chain reaction began. I started getting rid of everything and everyone who reminded me of my past with Kelly. I withdrew from my old friends. That’s why I always had my front door locked—to keep them out if they came by and wanted to talk or see me or offer their comforts. Then, I got rid of the job—way too many memories there. I took up my other passion—cars. I became a workaholic, burying my sorrows in work and becoming quite the recluse when I wasn’t working.

“It was a couple of months after the funeral that Kelly first spoke to me,” Julianne continued, calming down. Her tears slowed again. Matt figured that she’d gotten through the worst of it. He hoped the doctors wouldn’t come in and see her in this state. They’d never let him come back if they did. “I think I might’ve gone half-mad by then, so I was going around the house taking down everything that reminded me of Kelly. I took down his pictures, took off his wedding ring, and put it all in a shoe box. The shoe box you found when you went snooping around where you shouldn’t have.” Julianne gave Matt a hard look, but he knew she was mostly teasing him. He smiled sheepishly, and Julianne went on. “He told me that it wouldn’t help to pretend like he never existed. It sounded like his voice came from everywhere at once. At first, I thought I’d gone insane. But after it happened a few more times, I decided I wasn’t crazy, just haunted. I’ve believed ever since that Kelly hasn’t crossed over because he’s upset with me, too.”

Matt frowned. “Well, that explains a lot.”

“What?” Julianne asked, wiping away the last of her tears.

“When I found you, it wasn’t by chance...” Matt trailed away, finding what he was thinking utterly impossible. “I think...I think Kelly told me about you. I was sitting watching television when a voice exploded inside my head, telling me to get to you. I didn’t question it...And then when I got to your house, the door opened of its own accord, and then the voice came from the walls, telling me where you were. I think Kelly wanted me to find you.”

“I don’t understand that man,” Julianne said, shaking her head. “I swear he’d prefer for me to suffer. He gives me such evil nightmares...I wish I had more answers. I wish Kelly would just tell me what’s wrong, why he hasn’t crossed.”

“Maybe you haven’t given him the right stimulation,” Matt suggested.

Julianne shrugged. “So, that’s the story. Thanks for listening.”

“Thanks for telling me,” Matt replied with a smile. Behind him, the door opened, and he turned to see the doctor step into the room to check on Julianne. He slid back into his seat, going over the story again in his mind.