Guilt

Julianne could feel the man’s eyes on her as she crouched in front of his car hooking it up to the tow truck. Personally, she’d been pretty surprised at his nonchalance about his car being repaired by a female mechanic. Sure, his initial reaction had been shock, but she could understand why. But everyone else, mostly guys, either didn’t trust her or didn’t think she was up for the job and usually took up her offer of getting Poe. Some people, however, congratulated her for daring to be different and take on a profession such as this one. She wasn’t sure why they offered their congratulations; cars were her main passion nowadays, and working on them was more like a hobby than a job.

“So, you got a name?” she asked Tattooed and Tough. She straightened up, wiping her palms satisfyingly against each other.

“Matt,” the man answered, adjusting the hat on top of his head.

“So, had this car for a month, huh?” Julianne said as she finished up hooking the car to the tow truck. The two of them climbed back into the front seat.

“Yeah,” Matt replied.

“New or used?”

“New.”

“Huh, strange. Most new cars don’t have problems this early. At least you can get it fixed right off the bat,” Julianne commented.

“Can I ask you a question?” Matt asked.

“Shoot.”

“How were you treated when you first got this job, since you’re, you know, a woman?” Matt asked a little awkwardly. Julianne had been expecting it. First they got shocked and then they got curious.

“I think I only got the job because the boss interviewed me at an eatery so he had to drive his own car there. After the interview, he walked me out to my car and commented about how nice of shape it was in, especially for being an older car. He went on about how his car was sounding a little odd and he couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I checked under the hood and had the problem fixed within minutes. Otherwise, I don’t think I would’ve stood a chance,” Julianne explained.

“What about the other mechanics? How did they treat you?”

“At first, the guys didn’t know quite what to do with me. They assigned me to simple stuff, like interior cleaning and rotating tires and changing oil, easy stuff like that. And then one day, we were one guy short. I filled in for him, and it was sort of like my rite of passage. Now none of the mechanics underestimate me,” Julianne answered as she pulled into the shop’s parking lot.

The two of them went back inside. Matt gave the person at the desk all the information she needed and then a friend came to pick him up. Julianne went back to work, not expecting anything special to come from the encounter.

{*****}

Julianne poked listlessly at the Ramen noodles floating in the chicken-flavored broth. After Kelly’s death, she’d lost her old appetite and even a year afterward she still hadn’t been able to get her normal appetite back. She could barely eat enough to sustain life anymore. Grief still gripped her heart, but by slow degrees the pain was lessening. Maybe, if she was lucky, Julianne would have the luxury of dying without grief and guilt tearing away at her insides.

The curtains draped over the kitchen window above the sink shifted in a slight breeze, and the room suddenly became several degrees cooler. Except the kitchen window was closed and locked tight.

“You should get Matt’s number from the shop.” Kelly’s voice seemed to seep from the walls themselves. His sweet voice filled the room, and the grief squeezed Julianne’s heart tightly in its cold grasp. “Maybe ask him on a date or something.”

Kelly, or at least the ghost of Kelly, spoke to Julianne often. His voice and presence was the cause and the cure of Julianne’s grief. It saddened her to hear his voice, but saddened her more not to. After Julianne had nightmares, she’d often wake up to see Kelly’s apparition at the end of her bed, watching her as it faded slowly away.

“Of course not, Kelly,” Julianne replied, rising to her feet to put the bowl in the sink. “I cannot betray you like that. He means nothing. No one means anything, except you. I will not betray you.”

Julianne felt something like fingertips on her cheek, and then it was gone and the chill was gone with it.