Guilt

“I’m just a man, I’m not a hero!” Julianne belted out the lyrics of Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance as she trailed around the first floor of her house, dusting and cleaning as she went. Her iPod docking station sat on the coffee table, bellowing music throughout the house. Julianne sprayed some Windex on the large window in her living room. She swiped the paper towel through the several spheres of window cleaner and started to see Matt suddenly standing there on the other side of the glass, grinning like a mischievous child.

She frowned sternly at him, offering him the bird before he held up a bag of McDonald’s, obviously meant for lunch. Julianne took it as his white flag of surrender and grinned back, pointing towards the front door as a signal to welcome him in. He turned and walked up the sidewalk as Julianne continued to clean the window.

“If you got me a salad, I’m going to slap you so hard that your dimples will fall off,” Julianne threatened as she heard Matt step into the house. She finished up the window and turned to face him, putting her hands on her hips.

“I couldn’t be more scared than if that was even possible,” Matt answered in a dry monotone. “Actually, I got you a grilled chicken sandwich, plain, and a sweet iced tea. That’s right, bow down and kiss my feet.”

“You’re such a douche,” Julianne sneered teasingly, snatching the bag out of Matt’s hand and leading the way into the kitchen. She turned off her iPod as she went, and Gerard’s voice instantly died away.

“But I’m cute so you love me,” Matt answered, seating himself across from Julianne at the aluminum kitchen table. Julianne slowly grinned.

“Something like that, sure,” she agreed hastily, rolling her eyes at him.

“Fuck you,” Matt snapped, snatching the bag back out of Julianne’s hand as she opened the top to pull out her sandwich. Julianne stared down at her empty hands for several moments before looking back up at Matt. One eyebrow was raised and her lips were pressed together so hard they were nearly white. Her nostrils flared, and within seconds, Matt had placed the brown bag back down in front of her. Julianne grinned instantly, digging back around in the bag for her food.

It’d been nearly a month since the séance had occurred. Julianne had been doing very well ever since. Her meetings with Dr. Monger had reduced down to once every three weeks—and he’d been talking about completely stopping the appointments in the near future, since Julianne’s progress had been coming along so well. Julianne always had a smile on her face nowadays—and despite her endless joy being a mechanic, she was thinking about going back and teaching high school English again.

There had been no sign of Kelly at Julianne’s house. She hadn’t been expecting any, either. Kelly had gone on—of that much, Julianne was sure of. Only a week after the séance, she’d pulled out her shoebox of suppressed memories. Afterwards, her house remained in one piece—she had actually pulled it out to bring out some pictures of Kelly. A few choice pictures now sat in various places in her house, framed and hung on walls or sat on end tables. Her wedding ring, still sparkling and pristine as ever, sat in its open velvet box on her nightstand.

Julianne looked up from her grilled chicken sandwich to find Matt picking uninterestedly at his food. She frowned. He looked slightly anxious, and he’d only taken two or so bites of his hamburger.

“What’s wrong, my fairest Matthew?” Julianne asked curiously, putting down her sandwich and taking a sip of her tea. Matt’s head jerked up and he blushed slightly upon finding out that she’d noticed something. He quickly hasted to correct his mistake.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Matt answered quickly, looking back down at his sandwich. He grabbed a fry and in an unconvincingly nonchalant way, threw it into his mouth.

“And I’m hiding a leprechaun in my closet,” Julianne said drolly. “Tell me what’s wrong, Matt.”

Matt mumbled something. Julianne frowned, unable to pick any words from the muttered jumble of words, and reached across the table. She gave Matt a smart smack on the cheek.

“Speak up, man,” Julianne demanded.

“Iwouldjustliketoknowifyou’dallowmetotakeyouonadate,” Matt said all in one breath, spitting the words out so fast Julianne, once again, couldn’t catch all of them.

“I will stab you in the eyeball with a salty fry if you don’t relax and say what you want to say so I can understand it,” Julianne retorted patiently, taking a bite of her sandwich as she waited for Matt to take a few breaths and pull it together.

“I want to know if you’d let me take you on a date,” Matt said, forcing himself to slow down and speak louder. “Of course, if you’d like to wait, I understand perfectly and I won’t push the subject.”

Julianne blinked, letting Matt’s words sink in. Some former instinct that had begun to become buried underneath new thoughts rose up from the rubble, poking out its weasel-like head and sniffing the air hopefully. Julianne found herself working her mouth to answer, “No.” She clamped her lips shut, locking the word behind her teeth. But she had to, didn’t she? She had to say no. For Kelly. Always for Kelly.

A month-old memory flashed suddenly across the frontal lobe of Julianne’s brain:

“So, you’re not upset that I became friends with Matt...among other things?” Julianne asked carefully.

“Of course not!” Kelly exclaimed. “How could I be? You might have been trying to hide it and reject it, but you were the happiest when Matt was around. I knew I couldn’t allow him to slip through your fingers like you let everyone else, so I took it upon myself to nudge him into meeting you again...”

Kelly liked the fact that Julianne had found someone else to love. Kelly had pushed and nudged Julianne in Matt’s direction. Kelly had gone on now. Julianne would no longer let him influence her decisions.

“...pushed it. I think I’ll go, leave you alone in peace to eat your sandwich. Call me if you want sometime.”

Julianne jerked back into the present in time to see Matt rise from the table and wander back into the living room. She frowned and quickly followed him, catching him feet from the front door. She grabbed his wrist and pulled him back around to face her, slipping her other hand behind his neck and pulling his lips hard against hers. Matt kissed gently back before Julianne released his neck. They pulled away, Matt blinking and looking a little dazed.

“I think I’ve waited long enough,” Julianne answered. Matt grinned and leaned back down to press his lips against Julianne’s once again, and definitely not for the last time.