Guilt

Three Years Later

The warm, golden, late summer sun had yet to rise over Huntington Beach. Julianne’s bright headlights cut through the thick navy darkness that fell upon the city directly before dawn. Tall street lamps rained light down into the high school’s parking lot, generating a sphere of light that reached out several feet from the base of the street lamp. Julianne parked beneath one of these spheres of light, cutting off the ignition to the PT Cruiser she’d only had since June. She had been eyeing it for several months before Matt finally convinced her to buy it. She absolutely loved it.

Julianne climbed from the car and turned towards the school, slamming the car door behind her. Her purse swung to and fro from the crook of her bent elbow as she frowned up at the place that brought forth so many memories. She no longer cringed at these memories, however; she welcomed them and feared the day she might begin to forget them.

The hallways were completely deserted as she entered the school, her heels clicking on the tile floor as she strode towards the main office. Mary Jollin, the school secretary, already at work on a pile of papers, looked up and smiled at the sight of Julianne stepping through the door.

“Julianne, it’s been so long!” she exclaimed, giving Julianne the flattering courtesy of putting down her pen. She rose to her feet and walked around the large desk she sat behind, opening her arms and enveloping Julianne in a hug. “Five years, right?”

“Just about,” Julianne answered with a smile as they pulled away.

“You haven’t aged a bit!” Mary continued, looking at Julianne with wide eyes. “And is that a wedding ring on your hand? You’ve remarried!”

“Yeah, to a really great guy,” Julianne said with a nod. “Is Nate in his office?”

“Of course, of course, go right in,” Mary answered hastily, retreating back behind her desk. Julianne thanked her and walked deeper into the labyrinth that was the main office, quickly finding the familiar office of Huntington Beach High School’s principal, Nathan Keebler.

Nate looked up from his paperwork at the sound of Julianne’s gentle knock on the open door to announce her presence. He smiled warmly, a smile Julianne figured he rarely wore whenever dealing with the hot-rod, tan, beautiful Californian teenagers on a daily basis, and motioned towards the two plain leather seats across from his desk. Julianne smiled back and perched herself in one of the seats, settling her purse on her knees and waiting patiently for Nate to finish his task.

“How you’ve been, Julianne?” Nate asked after a few more moments. He looked up and set his pen down to focus his full attention on Julianne.

“Very well, thank you,” Julianne answered with a nod.

“I just want it to be made very clear that none of the staff blame you for quitting after Kelly’s unfortunate and certainly untimely death. Very few people would have remained on the job, I’m sure, and we’re all glad to see that you’ve returned,” Nate said, getting straight to the point. Julianne smiled and fiddled with the smooth leather straps of her purse.

“I would not have blamed any of you for being upset that I left,” Julianne replied. “I did it for my own well-being, however, and I’m much better now than I was then. English is my passion, and I couldn’t stay away from it for too much longer once I knew I could handle coming back here.”

“Well, welcome back, Julianne,” Nate said, standing up and extending his hand. Julianne rose and shook it firmly. “I’ll leave you to go and prepare yourself for your first day back.”

“Thank you, Nate,” Julianne answered with another smile and another nod. She rested her hand over her stomach as she left his office, offering Mary a smile as she stepped back out into the hallway.

The classroom Julianne used when she first began working for the school, back when Kelly was still alive, had been converted into an extra computer lab upon her departure. Julianne was unperturbed by this; all the rooms were essentially the same. The only important thing was what you did within them.

The classroom Julianne had been assigned smelled clean and unused after a summer of vacancy. It felt a little stuffy despite the air conditioners that had been turned on sometime during the night in preparation for the students’ and teachers’ arrivals. Julianne walked towards the set of windows facing a blooming courtyard in the center of the school and popped a few of them open, smiling against the slight breeze that instantly blew in. Then, she turned towards the bland classroom she hadn’t yet found the time to decorate with her own style and felt a small tremor of excitement for the start of a whole new era.

{*****}

The bell for class to begin tolled throughout the school. Julianne smiled as several students rushed in, muttering, “Sorry,” in her general direction before quickly finding a seat. Julianne never gave tardies within the first week of school; she understood the teenager’s craving to talk with old friends and losing track of time in the process. Sometimes, a student would become genuinely lost and would arrive even ten to fifteen minutes late. Julianne trusted each and every one to learn from their mistakes.

“Good morning, students,” Julianne said, rising from her desk with a loud clap of her hands to draw the class’s attention to her. This class was a sophomore class, so they didn’t look like nervous, silent freshmen. That morning, Matt had actually woken up early enough to see Julianne off, a rarity for him. He had told her that he was a badass sophomore, or at least thought he was, scaring the freshmen and annoying the seniors who were actually badass. Julianne had smiled then, and she smiled now, looking at each student and hoping she would be able to tack a name to a face soon enough.

“Welcome to English class,” Julianne continued, stepping around her desk and standing in front of it, clasping her hands behind her. “I’m Mrs. Sanders—spelled exactly like it sounds—and I know you’re all very excited to have me as a teacher because I’m almost about to pop.” She unclasped her fingers and rested both hands lovingly over her large, seven-and-a-half-months pregnant belly. “I’ll be having a little baby Sanders and so I’ll be put on maternity leave. And you know what that means: a substitute for you guys!”

Some of the students gave cheers at that. Julianne smiled and turned around, grabbing a pile of classroom requirements papers from her desk to pass out.

It had taken a while for Julianne to reach this point. But now that she had, she knew it was all worth it.

{*****}

Alternate Ending

“Buenos días!”

Julianne frowned, her eyelids remaining closed over her chocolate brown eyes. She knew that voice, that voice that always woke her up with its odd early-morning cheerfulness. But it couldn’t possibly be possible that it was that voice. Julianne had never expected to hear that voice again. It had left her house, along with its soulbody.

“Kelly?” Julianne asked, slowly allowing her eyes to flicker open. Kelly lay beside her, propped up on one elbow and grinning to beat the band. He was alive, well, and not transparent in any way, shape, or form. He looked flawless and unblemished by any injuries of, say, a car crash.

“Is something wrong, dear?” Kelly said, his grin faltering slightly as Julianne looked upon him as though for the first time. “Is your stomach upset? Morning sickness, perhaps?” He sounded suddenly hopeful. Julianne slowly shook her head, and he looked downtrodden before relaxing again.

“Nothing’s wrong, baby,” Julianne answered, scratching her head absently as she drank in Kelly’s face. “I just had the oddest dream, that’s all.”

“It’s fine, Julianne,” Kelly assured her, stroking her hair lovingly through his fingers. “Everything’s perfect.”

“Yeah, it is,” Julianne agreed with a firm nod. It had all been a horrible nightmare. Kelly had never died. She never met Matt. Kelly never haunted her. For proof, she pulled her arm out from beneath the covers and peered down at the crook of her elbow. Her skin there was unblemished and perfect, dusted with a gentle summer tan. She smiled back up at Kelly, seizing his neck and pulling him into a kiss.

“Listen, dear, you can tell me all about this dream later. But now, I think it’s time for our shower,” Kelly said once they’d pulled out of the passionate kiss. Julianne bit her lower lip and nodded, sliding out of the bed. It had all been a dream. Nothing but a terrible dream.

***

That night, Julianne and Kelly got into an argument over children. Kelly later died in a car crash during a drive to calm down. To this day, Julianne doesn’t know the cause of her dream, which could’ve been of the future. However, in the future she lives in, she has yet to meet a Matthew Sanders and hasn’t changed the oil in a car her entire life.