Guilt

Julianne shrieked and jumped a foot in the air as she felt a pair of hands close over her waist. She whirled around, breathing heavily and raising the sudsy handful of forks in her clenched fist, prepared to fight to the death with her blunt weapons. Val giggled, and behind her hovering near the doorway, Julianne saw the rest of the ladies bent nearly double in laughter.

“Oh, ha, ha,” Julianne snapped sarcastically, reeling back a fist and punching Val in the boob as hard as she could manage. Val groaned and crossed her arms over her chest, turning her body slightly to shield the girls from Julianne’s fists.

Julianne turned back around and threw the handful of forks back into the sudsy dish water, continuing to scrub at them as the girls caught their breath behind her. She hadn’t even heard them coming in. Perhaps she’d gotten so used to the sound of her front door opening—Matt visited often, and he always walked in without notifying her otherwise—that it had become white noise.

“What torture do you ladies wish to inflict upon my poor soul this afternoon?” Julianne asked, finishing up her dishes and draining out the water. She turned around to face her friends, drying her wrinkly hands off on a towel. She frowned; they all wore nearly identical, frighteningly eager smirks on their faces. Julianne instantly began to fear for her life and that of her hair and face as well. The ladies seemed insistent on turning Julianne into their personal Barbie doll—to play with her hair, makeup her face, even play around with the clothes in her closet. Last week, they’d kidnapped her to get her a fresh, stylish haircut courtesy of Gena. Julianne couldn’t complain about that one—she liked her new haircut. Gena had kept most of the length in her dark red hair, cutting off only the dead ends, but she’d layered Julianne’s hair into a trendy, choppy style. Surely, this week wouldn’t be so easy.

“We want to take you shopping, my dear,” Val said happily. “A few weeks ago, when the ladies and I raided your closet, we decided that a lot of your clothes was a little outdated and faded. You need to update and renew your wardrobe. It’ll be painless, I promise.”

Julianne frowned deeper. “Yeah, try to tell my credit card that.”

“Don’t be silly,” Gena said quickly, stepping forward. “You love your new haircut, don’t you? And you thought it would be so torturous and painful. It’s the same with this.”

“Yeah, but you cut my hair for free,” Julianne answered slowly and deliberately. “There’s a difference between the two.”

“Really, Julianne, how often to you splurge on something?” Leana asked sternly, crossing her arms across her chest. “Your car is an antique from the nineties, you work on Saturdays, for Christ’s sake, and I have not once seen you buy one thing since I’ve known you. Please, for the love of your closet and all that is holy in shopping, come with us and shop. You can even get something to knock Matt straight off his feet.”

“Like what?” Julianne asked uncertainly. She wasn’t so sure about that last part of the bargain.

“I don’t know, a really short skirt or something,” Leana answered with a shrug.

“Or, something that will get other guys looking so Matt can go all Hulk and protective over you,” Val put in. “You have to admit, that man is so freaking sexy when he gets angry.”

“Explain that to the guy whose face he broke on a bar stool,” Julianne muttered. “Fine, ladies, fine,” she added before they continued to beg her to join them, “I’ll come with you and splurge for once. But I’m leaving it up to you to explain to my credit card why I’m draining his soul.”

{*****}

“So...how are things between you and Matt?” Lacey asked conversationally as they looked through a rack of tutu skirts in Hot Topic. Julianne paused and frowned across the rack of clothes at Lacey.

“You speak as though we’re dating,” Julianne accused, pulling out one of the longer lime green tutus; the scratchy material of the tutu had been cut so that it looked like leaves.

“I keep wondering when Matt’s going to pop the question,” Lacey said, pausing in her search to look up at Julianne.

“Pop the question?” Julianne repeated, holding the tutu against her waist to see how it might look. She looked in the mirror, but decided that she didn’t like the tutu and put it back before wandering towards the leggings in one corner of the store. Lacey drifted after her, looking intently at Julianne as she picked out a pair of red fishnet stockings and flipped the package over to see the price.

“Yeah, ask you out,” Lacey clarified. “It’s obvious he has a crush on you. I can tell just by the way he looks at you. He’s hooked. And Johnny told me that he always talks about you when they hang out.”

“He’s a good friend,” Julianne said, putting the stockings back and looking instead at the socks.

“And that’s it?” Lacey asked. “He’s just a ‘good friend’? You don’t have a crush on him at all?”

“Well, maybe a little one,” Julianne admitted. “But it’s nothing. It probably just comes from him being the one guy I hang out with all the time. It’ll go away soon enough.”

“You sound like you don’t want to have a crush on him,” Lacey commented. Julianne gritted her teeth at how accurate Lacey was with that statement. She didn’t let on, though. She never liked to reveal too much.

“It’s not that I don’t want to; it’s just that it’s such a small one I don’t think I should get my hopes up or anything,” Julianne said.

“Oh,” Lacey murmured. “Okay then.” She didn’t sound entirely sure of the truthfulness of Julianne’s answer, but she let it slide. She started to drift towards the skirts on the opposite wall of the store.

Julianne drifted in the opposite direction, quickly composing herself again. She’d been telling the truth when she said she had a little crush on Matt. She’d been lying, however, when she said it wasn’t that she didn’t want to have a crush on him, because she honestly didn’t. Just by that one realization, she was betraying Kelly. Already, she felt the beginning seed of guilt developing. She knew the feeling of guilt well—she’d been living with it for the past year and a quarter. The only reason she didn’t cut ties with Matt was because for the first time in a while, she felt some degree of happy and didn’t want to give it up quite yet. Eventually, Julianne knew she would have to withdraw from Matt before their relationship deepened further, but for now, she was simply enjoying his company.

“I think I’m finished here, Lacey,” Julianne announced, walking towards her friend. She considered all of Matt’s friends her friends, especially the ladies. She got along with all of them surprisingly well, and despite herself, enjoyed these little excursions they planned for Julianne without her permission.

“Yeah, me too,” Lacey agreed and they stepped out of the store together to rejoin with the main group in the center of the mall.