I'm at Home in the Clouds

I can't. I can't, I can't, I can't-

I have to.

I'm focused and determined, moving constantly and I won't let up. Because I have to fix this, it has to be fixed- I have to do it. I will do it. I'm doing it. That's what I have to do, concentrating hard and I move and pick up and move and I'm moving, move-moved- moving I'm doing it, just like I need to.

"Kaylie?"

Not listening. I have to do this. I don't hear her.

Footsteps mean she's coming. I keep working. I don't hear her.

"Kaylie!" At the door, she's in the way, I have to do this and she's in my way!

I growl. "I have to!"

She doesn't know how to react, and it doesn't matter. I'm focused, I'm moving, I move, determined, not listening, she doesn't matter. This matters, I have to do it!

There isn't any pain, no pain. I have to do this. I'm fix, fix, fixing, I will fix this. I have to fix this. I'm going to fix this now and it'll be all fixed beause I moved.

I shriek when she makes me drop the box, grabbing my arm and turning me around. "No! NO!" But she won't let go. "I have to! Fix, fix it! Moving- I fix!"

She slaps me across the face. "This is an episode, Kaylie!" She lets me drop to the floor. I couldn't catch myself and breathing hard- why am I breathing hard? I don't understand. But I'm on my side, my face is burning, and suddenly everything is so very cold. I stay there, not moving. I don't move a muscle, because I can't remember what happened and why I'm on the floor. Until I realize mother is speaking.

"-do this anymore, I can't!" She inhales sharply, grabbing something out of her purse. A smoke. She stopped smoking... but started up again. She's not supposed to smoke in the house but I guess she's changed her mind. "You're leaving!" She points a shriveled finger at me.

My eyes lower and slowly I collect myself. Trying to gather a sense of myself, I look around and feel very faint. This room is a mess. What room is this? It seems foreign, almost blurry and nothing seems right about it. A hologram, a mirage, just a dream... an illusion. I force myself to remain standing as I look back at my mother who's yelling loudly at me.

"Pack! You pack your things and be downstairs! You're gone, got it? They wanted you and now they can have you!" She throws her hands up in frustration and leaves me.

Nothing makes sense.

I stand there on shaky legs for a long time. Slowly, the illusion, the numbing feeling inside me, fades away. It's my room. But what was I doing? Moving things around? I frown, realizing the mess that has been made. I take a slow and steady breath to collect myself.

I begin packing, wondering what's going to happen.