If You Leave

Sunday, December 06

He should have never been there in the first place. What right did he have standing there on her doorstep with a box in his hand and a smile on his face? Did he honestly believe she would forgive his stupid attempt at mending her relationship with her best friend? Molly wasn't her best friend anymore because she suddenly decided to move to California with her father and tell her the day before. Sure, he got a job, but really? Sadie didn't understand why she couldn't stay here with her mother and with Sadie, after all, they were best friends and that was right after Chris's suicide. Now, Sam had that brilliant idea to call Molly and tell her to visit because she wasn't doing so well without her, and that's when Sadie walked in and Sam hung up quickly. She knew who it was and ran out, angrier than hell.
So now, as Sadie walked up to the front door, Sam had the nerves to put his arm around her waist and pull her away from the door. Never mind that it was cold and snowy outside, but she didn't have the patience to deal with his explanations.
"Please, Sadie? Molly and you were so close; it's hard to see you guys not talking."
"She's the one who's not calling me..." she mumbled under her breath. As she looked up at Sam he smiled plastically. She scowled and pushed away from his embrace.
"You're stubborn."
She shrugged, opening the door and feeling a gust of warm air brush against her face, but it still didn't warm her up. Nothing much could warm her up these days, especially not Sam's naive schemes.
"I got you something," he held out the red-ribbon box that was small enough for a cell phone to fit into.
"Who said you could come in," she muttered. But she took the box and walked over to the sitting room where there was a fire going. They sat down on the rug beside it and she looked at the box for a minute while he waited.
"The present's inside," he winked sarcastically.
She muttered something that made him laugh making her more annoyed, and opened it without care. Inside the box appeared a small bracelet with individual diamond hearts attached to it. It was cliché, but beautiful. And very predictable...Sadie raised her eyes to meet Sam's enthusiastic expression. "Expensive," she alluded.
"Beautiful, just like you," he smiled and looked into the fireplace.
She could see the fire reflect in his eyes and looked down at the bracelet. "Wear your heart on your sleeve," she whispered, more to herself.
Sam looked back up at her and took her hand, rubbing the palm with his thumb. "I'm sorry I called Molly, and I'm sorry if I've been insensitive lately."
She was sure he was referring to last night when they had that argument about Chris. "You haven't been insensitive. I've just been harder to deal with, and I'm sorry."
They sat there for a while, not talking. Sadie held the bracelet in her hand, brushing her finger against the smooth diamonds. Sam put his head on her shoulder and she counted his breaths, silently thanking him for not leaving her.
Sitting by the warm fire she heard the crackle from the wood and curiosity overcame her solitude. She sat up a little and asked Sam something. "What did Molly say?"
He looked a little taken back by her sudden question and the confusion only increased as he spoke, "She wouldn't visit. She didn't have a good reason, either. Just that she didn't want to miss school. It was weird. The whole conversation she was trying to hang up, but I managed to keep her on for a couple of minutes. She didn't even promise to call you," he frowned as he remembered the odd chat.
"That's weird," that's all Sadie managed to get out. There was no reason for Molly to have a cold shoulder, since she was the one to leave and all.
"And it wasn't that she was angry, either. She sounded...guilty, and a little scared. It was totally weird."
"Why would she be scared?" Guilt, yes, after all she left her grieving best friend, but scared...that was different.
"I think she never resolved the whole Chris incident. She still sounded sad when I mentioned his name, and she immediately said she had to go, so that was..." he couldn't find the word. They sat in contemplation for another minute.
"Suspicious," she finally whispered.
Sam was silent for a minute. The only sound was the crackle of the fireplace and the wind from outside. It would be another stormy night with more snow in the morning. Sam sighed lightly and looked at the shaggy rug. "Why?" he mused, shrugging his shoulders.
The fire popped and her heart skipped a beat. "I don't know," she mouthed.

Monday, December 7

Her arms stretched upwards above her head, like two tooth picks, sharp to the point. They grasped her silk chocolate hair into a pony tail and released, letting the waves bounce behind her back. Her long, thin fingers trailed the red satin headband that harmonized her pale rose complexion like a china doll, and moved down to brush the invisible dirt off her red turtleneck sweater dress. Her feet settled in an ankle cross under the cherry wood desk, one black ankle boot on top of the other. The smooth black lace tights trailed down her petite legs like a perfect doll, sitting down in a picture-perfect classroom near the window where the view was wintry perfect, overlooking the snowy campus. She wondered how she couldn’t appreciate the warm setting of her life. Maybe it was because it made her freeze on the inside, too afraid to mess the picture up with her messy mind. Be a doll, she always told herself, and no one will ever see you flinch with pain.
Suddenly, her chestnut eyes bounced up to look at the teacher who was directing the class on how to write an efficient essay. Mrs. Robins stood still while waiting patiently for a student’s answer. Everyone else in class sat quietly with a few snickering grins. The boy who was not responding was sitting in his desk in the front row, eyes down and his hair falling in front of his face. Mrs. Robins tapped his desk once and the boy woke up.
“Drake, why don’t you introduce yourself to the class before you feel too much at home, huh?”
Drake rubbed his eyes shamefully but stayed quiet. Everyone who wasn’t looking at him already had turned their heads to stare.
He was a new student, very rare for their school, and he didn’t look like the average guy here. His hair was jet black but his skin pale like Sadie’s, and his body was tall and scrawny. Sadie assumed he had transferred from the public school a few miles away, since he had a hint of blue hair under his layers, which wasn’t allowed here.
Already, she liked him. He was different, and that was cause for celebration at this conforming institution. She thought she’d never see the day when they allowed skinny jeans at this school, which he wore nicely with a pair of Vans.
“Class, this is Drake. Drake, welcome to Sherwood Academy. Now, please no sleeping in my class.”
Drake gave no hint of joy or a smile of any sort when she introduced him, and Sadie guessed it wasn’t his choice to be here. Poor boy, she thought.
The class went back to taking notes or zoning out and Drake started going away at something on his notebook, but it didn’t look like notes from what Sadie could tell. She sat diagonal from him in the second row, and studied his drawings for the rest of the period. He’d looked back at the window every few minutes and every time he did Sadie shot her eyes down and pretended to be taking notes. By the time the bell had rung Drake nearly completed a portrait of the view from the window. It was perfect, right down to the one leaf hanging from the tree.
Her brother met her outside the classroom. “Hey. Nice bracelet,” he pointed to the diamond heart bracelet on her wrist.
She rolled her eyes, “Thanks,” she muttered. “You knew that he was calling Molly, didn’t you?”
“Yes,” he admitted as they walked to their lockers before study hall, the last period of the day.
Sadie opened her locker. “I guess Sam said she was acting weird on the phone.”
“That’s what he told me…” Sebastian closed his locker. “Do you think that when she left after Chris’s…” he stopped at a loss for words, turning pink from embarrassment, “Well, do you think she blamed herself?”
Sadie stopped rummaging for her books and looked at the ground below her locker. That didn’t make sense, she thought. Why would she blame herself if Chris committed suicide? Did she do something wrong? Did she talk to him before? Did she set him off? Was she the reason? But how…Sadie wanted answers, not more questions, and thinking was just giving her more questions. “I’m going to call Molly I think.”
Sebastian looked at her in surprise, “Really?”
“Yeah, otherwise we won’t get anything answered. And I’m sick of lies and he said she said. I’m going to call her now.”
“Now? Isn’t she in school?”
“In California it’s still morning, so she won’t be yet.” She took out her cell phone and called Molly. As she waited for the rings to stop she tapped her nails against the lockers nervously. She hasn’t talked to Sadie since she left last year.
“Hey guys,” Same walked up to them, looking at Sadie.
“She’s calling Molly,” Sebastian informed.
Sam’s eyes widened, “Really?”
Suddenly Sadie heard the ringing stop and her fingers froze.
“Sadie?” Molly answered without a ‘hello’ or any other greeting. She sounded surprised.
“Hi,” Sadie’s voice shook.
“What’s going on?” Molly asked nervously. There was no hiding the guilt in her voice, Sam was right about that.
“Nothing bad, I just wanted to know why you left.” Sadie was starting to get angry, her emotions finally coming back after eight months.
There was a pause. “I told you, Sadie. Are you okay?” she sounded like she was speaking to a mental patient, and that upset her.
“Of course I’m not okay, Molly. You left right after my boyfriend committed suicide. You make the most pathetic excuse to run away and then you don’t call, and now you’re asking if I’m okay?” her face was warming up with frustration.
Sam and Sebastian looked like they were holding their breath.
“I, uh, don’t know what to say. I’m sorry?”
“I want you to tell me the truth. Do you blame yourself for his death? Cause I sure as hell do every day, and I want to know if it’s my fault or your fault.”
Molly sounded like she was having a coronary with her words. “I don’t know what you’re talking about but I have to go…”
“NO you don’t. Tell me right now what happened. Why the hell did he do it?”
“I don’t know!”
Sadie walked outside so she wouldn’t disturb the classes around them. The guys followed with worried looks.
“Why?”
“I told you Sadie, I really don’t know!”
“Yes you do! You liked him, didn’t you! I knew you had a crush on him but I didn’t know you’d go far enough to tell him! You told him, didn’t you; you told him you liked him!”
“No I didn’t!”
“Then why else would he want to die? At first I thought it was because of the pressure, but no, I know now that that’s not it. Tell me, Molly!”
“Okay, Sadie, if you want to know my part in this then I will tell you. But I’m not saying that’s why he killed himself. I’m just going to tell you what happened between me and him.”
Sadie stopped walking and wrapped her free arm around her chest. More snow was falling. “Okay,” she said calming down, “tell me.”
“We slept together,” Molly admitted.
There was suddenly a beeping sound in her ear. Molly hung up on her.