If You Leave
Numb
Monday, December 7, Nighttime
There was a knock on the door.
“Can I come in?” It was Sam.
Sadie sat down on her bed surrounded by oversized pillows and blankets around her. She didn’t feel like doing her homework or even getting up to eat dinner. All her body could process was staring at the invisible space in front of her bed. The knock didn’t even register in her thoughts and when Sam asked again she couldn’t hear him. The music wasn’t on or anything like the TV; it was the buzzing in her ears that over flooded his voice.
He came in anyway. That was Sam, her overprotective boyfriend who couldn’t let anything be. Always having to comfort her, always having to be there for her, to hold her, to kiss her, to tell her everything was going to be okay even when it wasn’t. And right now, nothing would make sense to her for a while. Things were too messy, too confusing, truths mixed in lies and lies covering the truth. The mess was all over her mind and she couldn’t think straight.
Sam sat down on the side of her bed. Sadie didn’t say hello or greet him with even a glance. She continued to stare into space while he tried to figure out the correct thing to say in such a situation. Of course the news of Chris’s one night stand with Molly was new to him as well as Sadie, so he might still be processing it too.
The two of them sat there silent for a very long time, too long to count the minutes, to even acknowledge the wasted minutes passing in wasted time as they sat in contemplation, in fear of the unknown, of the now known, of the lies and of the truths, sorrow for the inability to change what they now know. There was no going back to fix what was done. There was no going back to stop it. All they could do now was ask why.
“Molly wasn’t telling you everything, I think. I think maybe she left some things out.” Sam’s voice cracked from the silence. Sadie heard but she was not listening. “Chris wasn’t telling us everything. Molly knows something but she’s not telling us because she’s afraid it will be her fault for keeping it a secret. Ugh, she’s so stupid sometimes. How could she…” his thoughts were lost in his wonders and accusations, but Sadie was now wondering something else. Perhaps Chris didn’t love her after all. What was love anyways, besides a momentary infatuation with something intangible and strange? So strange, love. It was hard to tell when it was real or not, if it even is right now.
Sadie looked up at Sam for the first time since he sat down. He was staring at her bed, lost in thought. She noticed the crease in his eyebrow. She liked that crease; it was cute the way his face crinkled up when he was thinking too hard. But was cute a feeling of love? Did Chris love her or did he just find her cute? Guys everywhere stared at her, whistled inappropriately, so she knew she was attractive somewhat, but was she lovable or just something to look at?
“I want to forget, Sadie. I want to move on.” Sam looked at her with pleading eyes.
She looked back at him with confusion.
“Enough of these questions about what happened and why it happened. Can’t we be happy about what we have now? I’d like to have a relationship with you, but I can’t if you keep thinking about him. I know it’s going to be hard, but I’d like to just move on with out lives.”
She bit her lip and looked past him at the wall behind her bed. She thought about moving on, forgetting Chris and all that happened. Uncertainty suddenly overwhelmed her. Sam was wrong, it wouldn’t be hard to forget, it would be impossible. “I can’t forget,” she whispered.
His eyes became cross, “I’m not asking you to forget. I’m asking you to move on. I don’t want to forget him either, he was my friend. But I want to move on and not dwell on what we can’t change.”
She thought about this. It would be ideal to move on and continue their relationship, pretending to be happy even when they had this past that was unclear and scary. Sadie wanted to know what happened though, but she supposed that wasn’t moving on, pondering the past. So she looked up at Sam and tried her best to smile, just a little, to say that she would try. She would try to make herself more lovable, because that is what he was really asking.
Tuesday, December 8
Sadie sat in a large red chair in their school library. Her legs were curled up on the seat and a book lay on her lap, unopened. She sat there staring at her hands. Somewhere around her cluster of chairs was a table where a group of students were studying, talking a little above a whisper, about their religion project. Near the front of the library, Sadie sat in the back, she could hear the librarian and her helpers filing books and helping other students find what they needed. The copying machine was going off and she could smell the faint scent of coffee coming from the café to the right of the stairs.
She was barely aware of the fact that someone sat next to her, and that someone had been staring at her for a good ten minutes. Usually she would have been scared and walked away, but today she didn’t care. She’d let him have her if he wanted to. Today, she was no one in particular and everything was just there, keeping her numb.
The person was a boy with jet black hair and dark skinny jeans. He was the same boy from English class that was new to this school and fell asleep in class. He stared and looked away, then stared again, and then looked away. The cycle didn’t stop. It was study hall and they still had a good twenty minutes until school ended.
Finally, after he looked away again, Sadie looked at Drake, the emo boy. He looked back at her not saying anything.
“Why are you staring at me?” she asked in almost a whisper. She sounded tired.
“I don’t know,” he shrugged, “because you’re interesting.”
“Why am I interesting?”
“Because you sit there and do nothing. It makes me wonder what you’re thinking about and why it takes all your energy to think about that one thing.”
She was about ready to call this guy a nut case, but he continued.
“Maybe you’re not thinking about anything, though. Maybe you’re trying not to think, which does take a lot of energy, in my opinion.”
That’s it, this guy was a nutcase. Sadie just looked away and back at her hands, ignoring the odd man sitting next to her. Maybe he’d begin to find her uninteresting and leave her alone. That’s all she wanted.
“What book is that?” he asked her, obviously still interested.
Sadie looked at the book, honestly forgetting the title herself, and back at Drake. “Romeo and Juliet, we’re reading it for English class.”
“Brilliant novel, a bit of a cliché, but still a brilliant read.”
“It’s a tragedy.” Why did she say that? It kind of just popped out her mouth. She reminded herself to think next time before opening her big fat mouth.
“Yeah it is, but that’s what makes it real. I think that’s the only way love is real, if the two people are willing to die for each other and can’t live without the other. Otherwise, how do you know if it’s real, right?”
Sadie stared at him with bug eyes, “Right, yeah, I guess so,” she stammered. How could these words come out of someone so…unique in a dark creative way? Okay, she sighed to herself, he was emo and practically telling her the true meaning of love. Could her life be any more stereotypical?
“So,” he began, “My name’s Drake if you didn’t catch that in English class.” Drake held his hand out with a shy smile on his face.
She took it and was surprised at how he remembered, or knew, that they had the same English class. She was sure he was too tired to notice her. Sadie decided to be polite to him, since he seemed like a nice guy and all, just a little odd at first. “Welcome to Sherwood.”
“Thanks,” and he looked like he meant it. “It’s a change, that’s for sure. But the people, most of them, seem nice.” He smiled at her again and she blushed.
Why was she blushing? She shouldn’t be blushing. Oh gosh, this day was never going to end. All this was making her tired.
She spotted Sam walking into the library looking for her. Sadie sat in her seat and saw that Drake was drawing again. This time it was a perfect replica of the library’s windows and the view of the school’s garden. It was beautiful, she wanted to tell him that but Sam reached her too soon.
“Hey,” he warmly greeted her. He must have been in a good mood, she thought, and stood up. “Sam, this is Drake,” she motioned towards Drake who looked up from his work and extended his arm.
“How’s it going?” he asked and both of them nodded at each other. In guy language Sadie guessed that meant ‘I’m fine, you? I’m fine. It’s nice to meet you, nice to meet you too.’ And that was all in two nods.
“Are you ready to go home? I’m starved for something warm. Did you see? It’s snowing again,” Sam pointed towards the giant windows and sure enough there was another fresh blanket of powder on the grass.
Sadie tried to smile, but as soon as Sam came she was reminded of everything. The phone call, the cheating, the lies, the truths, the pain; it all came flooding into her brain when she saw him. So, she looked back at Drake and gave him the best smile she could form out of her numb face and waved goodbye.
There was a knock on the door.
“Can I come in?” It was Sam.
Sadie sat down on her bed surrounded by oversized pillows and blankets around her. She didn’t feel like doing her homework or even getting up to eat dinner. All her body could process was staring at the invisible space in front of her bed. The knock didn’t even register in her thoughts and when Sam asked again she couldn’t hear him. The music wasn’t on or anything like the TV; it was the buzzing in her ears that over flooded his voice.
He came in anyway. That was Sam, her overprotective boyfriend who couldn’t let anything be. Always having to comfort her, always having to be there for her, to hold her, to kiss her, to tell her everything was going to be okay even when it wasn’t. And right now, nothing would make sense to her for a while. Things were too messy, too confusing, truths mixed in lies and lies covering the truth. The mess was all over her mind and she couldn’t think straight.
Sam sat down on the side of her bed. Sadie didn’t say hello or greet him with even a glance. She continued to stare into space while he tried to figure out the correct thing to say in such a situation. Of course the news of Chris’s one night stand with Molly was new to him as well as Sadie, so he might still be processing it too.
The two of them sat there silent for a very long time, too long to count the minutes, to even acknowledge the wasted minutes passing in wasted time as they sat in contemplation, in fear of the unknown, of the now known, of the lies and of the truths, sorrow for the inability to change what they now know. There was no going back to fix what was done. There was no going back to stop it. All they could do now was ask why.
“Molly wasn’t telling you everything, I think. I think maybe she left some things out.” Sam’s voice cracked from the silence. Sadie heard but she was not listening. “Chris wasn’t telling us everything. Molly knows something but she’s not telling us because she’s afraid it will be her fault for keeping it a secret. Ugh, she’s so stupid sometimes. How could she…” his thoughts were lost in his wonders and accusations, but Sadie was now wondering something else. Perhaps Chris didn’t love her after all. What was love anyways, besides a momentary infatuation with something intangible and strange? So strange, love. It was hard to tell when it was real or not, if it even is right now.
Sadie looked up at Sam for the first time since he sat down. He was staring at her bed, lost in thought. She noticed the crease in his eyebrow. She liked that crease; it was cute the way his face crinkled up when he was thinking too hard. But was cute a feeling of love? Did Chris love her or did he just find her cute? Guys everywhere stared at her, whistled inappropriately, so she knew she was attractive somewhat, but was she lovable or just something to look at?
“I want to forget, Sadie. I want to move on.” Sam looked at her with pleading eyes.
She looked back at him with confusion.
“Enough of these questions about what happened and why it happened. Can’t we be happy about what we have now? I’d like to have a relationship with you, but I can’t if you keep thinking about him. I know it’s going to be hard, but I’d like to just move on with out lives.”
She bit her lip and looked past him at the wall behind her bed. She thought about moving on, forgetting Chris and all that happened. Uncertainty suddenly overwhelmed her. Sam was wrong, it wouldn’t be hard to forget, it would be impossible. “I can’t forget,” she whispered.
His eyes became cross, “I’m not asking you to forget. I’m asking you to move on. I don’t want to forget him either, he was my friend. But I want to move on and not dwell on what we can’t change.”
She thought about this. It would be ideal to move on and continue their relationship, pretending to be happy even when they had this past that was unclear and scary. Sadie wanted to know what happened though, but she supposed that wasn’t moving on, pondering the past. So she looked up at Sam and tried her best to smile, just a little, to say that she would try. She would try to make herself more lovable, because that is what he was really asking.
Tuesday, December 8
Sadie sat in a large red chair in their school library. Her legs were curled up on the seat and a book lay on her lap, unopened. She sat there staring at her hands. Somewhere around her cluster of chairs was a table where a group of students were studying, talking a little above a whisper, about their religion project. Near the front of the library, Sadie sat in the back, she could hear the librarian and her helpers filing books and helping other students find what they needed. The copying machine was going off and she could smell the faint scent of coffee coming from the café to the right of the stairs.
She was barely aware of the fact that someone sat next to her, and that someone had been staring at her for a good ten minutes. Usually she would have been scared and walked away, but today she didn’t care. She’d let him have her if he wanted to. Today, she was no one in particular and everything was just there, keeping her numb.
The person was a boy with jet black hair and dark skinny jeans. He was the same boy from English class that was new to this school and fell asleep in class. He stared and looked away, then stared again, and then looked away. The cycle didn’t stop. It was study hall and they still had a good twenty minutes until school ended.
Finally, after he looked away again, Sadie looked at Drake, the emo boy. He looked back at her not saying anything.
“Why are you staring at me?” she asked in almost a whisper. She sounded tired.
“I don’t know,” he shrugged, “because you’re interesting.”
“Why am I interesting?”
“Because you sit there and do nothing. It makes me wonder what you’re thinking about and why it takes all your energy to think about that one thing.”
She was about ready to call this guy a nut case, but he continued.
“Maybe you’re not thinking about anything, though. Maybe you’re trying not to think, which does take a lot of energy, in my opinion.”
That’s it, this guy was a nutcase. Sadie just looked away and back at her hands, ignoring the odd man sitting next to her. Maybe he’d begin to find her uninteresting and leave her alone. That’s all she wanted.
“What book is that?” he asked her, obviously still interested.
Sadie looked at the book, honestly forgetting the title herself, and back at Drake. “Romeo and Juliet, we’re reading it for English class.”
“Brilliant novel, a bit of a cliché, but still a brilliant read.”
“It’s a tragedy.” Why did she say that? It kind of just popped out her mouth. She reminded herself to think next time before opening her big fat mouth.
“Yeah it is, but that’s what makes it real. I think that’s the only way love is real, if the two people are willing to die for each other and can’t live without the other. Otherwise, how do you know if it’s real, right?”
Sadie stared at him with bug eyes, “Right, yeah, I guess so,” she stammered. How could these words come out of someone so…unique in a dark creative way? Okay, she sighed to herself, he was emo and practically telling her the true meaning of love. Could her life be any more stereotypical?
“So,” he began, “My name’s Drake if you didn’t catch that in English class.” Drake held his hand out with a shy smile on his face.
She took it and was surprised at how he remembered, or knew, that they had the same English class. She was sure he was too tired to notice her. Sadie decided to be polite to him, since he seemed like a nice guy and all, just a little odd at first. “Welcome to Sherwood.”
“Thanks,” and he looked like he meant it. “It’s a change, that’s for sure. But the people, most of them, seem nice.” He smiled at her again and she blushed.
Why was she blushing? She shouldn’t be blushing. Oh gosh, this day was never going to end. All this was making her tired.
She spotted Sam walking into the library looking for her. Sadie sat in her seat and saw that Drake was drawing again. This time it was a perfect replica of the library’s windows and the view of the school’s garden. It was beautiful, she wanted to tell him that but Sam reached her too soon.
“Hey,” he warmly greeted her. He must have been in a good mood, she thought, and stood up. “Sam, this is Drake,” she motioned towards Drake who looked up from his work and extended his arm.
“How’s it going?” he asked and both of them nodded at each other. In guy language Sadie guessed that meant ‘I’m fine, you? I’m fine. It’s nice to meet you, nice to meet you too.’ And that was all in two nods.
“Are you ready to go home? I’m starved for something warm. Did you see? It’s snowing again,” Sam pointed towards the giant windows and sure enough there was another fresh blanket of powder on the grass.
Sadie tried to smile, but as soon as Sam came she was reminded of everything. The phone call, the cheating, the lies, the truths, the pain; it all came flooding into her brain when she saw him. So, she looked back at Drake and gave him the best smile she could form out of her numb face and waved goodbye.