In Fate's Hands

I’m going to screw up this whole relationship thing, I just know it, especially if Chase keeps up with this shit. He knows I’m still physically attracted to him, I didn’t have to say anything. Hell, I was still physically attracted to Keegan, too, and all the other people I’ve fucked here. Controlling my urges is proving to be a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I felt like I was completely out of control; I’ve felt that way ever since my parents told me I was worthless and I had no point in life, that I was no good. Instead of trying to improve my schoolwork and academics, I tried sex. I started in 8th grade, and took most of the girls’ virginity. I was good at what I did, but once I tried guys, I never went back to girls. It’s not like my parents cared what I did, they barely knew I existed. I thought I was doing the right thing, making people happy, bringing joy to them.

Obviously I was mistaken.

I took a long drag off my cigarette, wishing that it did more for me than it already did.

I heard someone tapping on the glass behind me. I turned and saw it was Riley, waving sheepishly.

Guilt filled me to the brim. How could I possibly be with him, we’re total opposites. He has a good family and loving parents and real friends. Me, I’m the family screw up, the one that’s going to get nowhere in life.

I gave him a small smile, and waved for him to come outside. He squeezed through the door and shut it. He came towards me and I wrapped my arm around him while both of his went around me. I directed the smoke from my cigarette away from his face.

“What are you doing out of class?” I asked, dropping my cigarette, giving up on controlling the smoke.

“I heard you raging in English, and I wanted to know what happened.” He said, looking at me.
Instantly being reminded of what happened, I got frustrated and let go of Riley, starting to pace a little. “Fucking Chase can’t get it through his sex crazed brain that I’m not available anymore.”

“What did he do?” He asked, sounding unsure of whether he wanted to ask that or not.

I was going to straight up tell him, but I didn’t know how he’d react. I didn’t want him starting shit with Chase, and I didn’t want to be in the middle of two guys…

I didn’t even know why I was still considering Chase. I was obviously more attached to Riley than Chase, so why was he even a factor?

I slid down the wall outside the doors, getting frustrated with myself. I felt horrible for second guessing Riley. He doesn’t deserve to be put in that situation.

Riley squatted in front of me. The look on his face, the concern and worry he was giving me brought tears to my eyes. I don’t cry in front of people, I don’t like people seeing that I have a weak side, that I have feelings. I avoided looking at Riley, keeping my expression emotionless and cold.

“Hey.” I heard him say, turning my head so I had to look at him.

“I feel so fucking disgusting.” I said quietly.

“Why?” He asked, his voice gentle and considerate.

“Just…“ I started, pulling my thoughts together. “Everything that I’ve done in the past is so nasty. Looking at what Chase just tried to pull on me makes me realize that it’s just…” My words got caught in the back of my throat as the tear that was threatening to fall fell from my eye. Riley caught it with his thumb, keeping his warm hand softly on my cheek.

“I don’t even deserve you. You’re the definition of perfect, and I’m just a fuck up.” I said, scowling at myself, looking away from Riley’s face.

He scooted closer to me, our knees touching. I looked up at him again, and our faces were close.

“Ethan, you are not a fuck up, and I’m the farthest thing from perfect. I think you deserve me more than anyone else.” He said.

If anyone else would’ve told me that, I would’ve thought it complete bullshit, but for some reason, hearing that from Riley made it nothing but the truth.

I looked up at him through my hair and smiled shyly. He kissed me softly, quickly, pulling away slowly, running his fingers through my hair, smiling.
I grabbed Riley’s hands and pulled him up with me, embracing him tightly, feeling my cheeks flush. “This is so embarrassing.”

“What?” Riley asked.

“I’ve never cried in front of someone before.” I admitted.

His arms tightened around me. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.” He said with a smile in his voice.

We stood there in each other’s embraces, perfectly content with each other. I had the urge to confess that I was madly in…love… with him. It was at the tip of my tongue, but I never opened my mouth. I didn’t want to move too fast.

“Do you see this lasting?” I heard him ask suddenly.

I put my finger under his chin and brought his gaze up to mine. “Do you want it to?”

He nodded, smiling, not having to think about it.

I brought my lips to his, smiling. I felt his hands on my cheeks again while I kept my hands around his waist. I didn’t want this moment to end.

I thought too soon, though, because there was another tap at the window.

Riley pulled away from my lips and we both looked towards the window, seeing Ian and Nick. They were watching us like fan girls watch their favorite celebrity, giggling like we were a couple of puppies running around and acting cute.

Riley turned his head towards me again, giving me another kiss. “I think we need to go back to class.”

I tried pouting without smiling, but it didn’t work. “Really?”

He blushed, nodding. “Really.”

I sighed and put my forehead on his, staring into his amazing eyes. “I guess you’re right.”

Our lips connected once more before going back into school, Nick and Ian letting us in.

“Bathroom, huh, Riley.” Ian said, handing him his things, smiling.

“You knew where I was going.” He said, his cheeks flushing almost automatically.

I actually stayed for a whole school day today, something I haven’t done in a really long time. During lunch, Nick and Ian were off somewhere, either having time to themselves or giving time to Riley and I, time that we used wisely. I lost track of time with Riley and before I knew it, we had five minutes to get to class and I didn’t have my daily lunchtime nicotine fix.

“Hey, you can go ahead and not be late for class, but I need to have a smoke before next hour. I’ll kill someone if I don’t.” I said, stopping at my locker with him.

He sighed. “Alright, I don’t doubt you. I’ll see you in next hour then.” He kissed me before leaving to go to next hour.

I saw Ian and Nick walk past. I smiled and waved, and they did the same, though they looked nervous, acting like they were hiding something.

I forgot about the cigarette and decided to follow almost silently behind them. They met up with Riley, and I stayed behind a row of lockers right next to the room they were standing by.

“Do you want to hang out tonight?” Ian asked, sounding like his normal self, though something about his tone made it sound like he was being forced.

“Not necessarily, it’s your anniversary night, I’m not intruding on that.” Riley said.

“It’d only be for like, two hours.” Nick said, his tone giving the whole thing away. I knew there was something wrong. I could hear how much he wanted to tell Riley why they were being forced to say this stuff, who was saying it, what they were planning to do.

“Two hours too long. Sorry guys, but tonight is just you two.” Riley said, being stubborn.

They both sighed. “Alright, fair enough. You and Ethan doing something after school?” Ian asked.

“I was thinking about it, yeah, but I didn’t have time to ask him yet.” Riley said, looking at the clock. “You guys should probably get to class.”

They nodded and waved. I stayed amongst the crowd of people, but I heard them each say something about Keegan and Kaedyn in worried, hushed tones.

Whatever they were planning to do wasn’t going to happen, not if I had a say in it.

After school, Riley and I went to his house, while Ian and Nick went to Ian’s house to spend their time together. I would’ve much rather went some place other than Riley’s house, but I didn’t want to seem like I knew anything, just in case it was all some sort of rumor or misconception.

“So when are you telling your parents about me or being gay or any of that?” I asked as we cuddled on his couch, my fingers interlaced with his.

“Tonight, when you’re still here.” He said, smiling.

“Awesome.” I said, returning the smile, leaning to kiss him.

“Hey Ethan.” Riley said.

“Hmm?” I said, looking at him.

He sat up, and I followed suit, getting slightly confused.

“I’ve been wanting to tell you something.” He said, sounding slightly nervous.

If it’s what I think it is, then this night got ten times better. “Actually, I’ve been meaning to tell you something as well.” I said.

Riley smiled. “Oh really?”

I nodded. “At the count of three, say what we want to say, sound good?”

“Sounds good.” Riley agreed, still smiling, a hint of red in his cheeks.

We were both looking into each others’ eyes. My heart was racing. What if I fuck up, what if I don’t mean it?

But I do mean it, otherwise I wouldn’t want to say it so bad.

I sighed. “Alright, one, two, three-”

“I love you.”