Blue Christmas.

The crunching of the snow under my boot, sent a shiver down my spine. Six inches fell over a the span of a few quick hours, as I was sleeping, along with everyone in the house. I didn't get to witness the first snowflake fluttering past my window, which I take a positive occurrence. The memories of you pulling on my hand and outside just watch the few flakes stick to the ice cold grass, would flash all too quickly through my mind.

"Jack, what are you doing?" I hear Sara call, her small voice happy, as she slipped on her gloves, standing in the warm doorway of the heated back porch. "Nothing, just looking around." I explained, shooting a smile in her direction. She was only 9 years old, 8 when you left her life. "You don't even have on a coat! You're gunna' get sick." She sounded like my mother, but I laughed and turned around treading through the clean snow back to her.

I slipped on my old blue coat, the one you gave me a little over two years ago. "It matches your boots!" I could still hear your voice exclaiming that, as I opened the early christmas present. Two months, too early to be exact. Sara grabbed my hand, just like you used to, and pulled me into the back yard.

"Jack, what's wrong?" She questioned, her cheeks red from the brisk air and icy snow. I looked over at her, she was rolling a clump of snow in the ground, the head of the snow man we were building together. "Nothing's wrong, just taking a break is all." I lied to her, she was too oblivious and busy to notice. I was thinking, about you of course, and how you tried to freeze a mini snow man in the freezer, for memories.

"Babe, that's not going to work." I tried to explain, sitting on the corner of my counter top, a smile on my face, as you tried to place the mini snow man on the wire rack in my freezer. "Yes it will, I'll make it work." You smiled triumphantly, as the rounded bottom stood without your help. "See, I told you."You stuck your tongue out playfully, and I smirked and pulled you towards me, the freezer door shutting behind you.

That mini snowman, is still frozen solid in my freezer, frozen around the thin metal bars. I remember a couple of weeks ago, my mother almost knocked it over, or even considered knocking it off, and throwing it away. I wouldn't let her, and she sighed and let it go. I know they think it's not healthy, holding onto everything that reminds me of you. But, who could blame me?

"Heads up!" Sara's voice caused me to turn to the sound, a snowball in her hand, a smile on her lips. "Don't you dare!" I shouted at her, and she burst out giggling as the clump of snow came speeding my way. It fell short, and broke on the group, messing up the pure, untouched snow. "Unfair." She sighed, and a chuckle escaped my lips.

"Hey Jack,?" I looked up from the body of the snow man we were building, "Mhmm?" I responded, lifting the round clump and placing it on top of the base Sara built. "Do you miss Amber?" She sounded so innocent, and clueless on what the sound of that name, your name, did to me.

"Yeah, I miss her a lot." I whispered, trying to keep my voice from cracking. After placing the head ontop of the body, I looked over at her, sitting in the snow, looking straight up at the masterpiece we had just built. "Why the sudden interest, in her Sar?" I asked her, curious on what made her mention you on such a whim.

"I dunno'." She answered, pushing her fingers deeper into the snow. I sighed and nodded, finishing up the snowman quickly, my mind distant the entire time. I recalled the first day I met you, we were 13 and it was a snow day. The first snow day in a long time, if I can remember correctly. You were playing around with your group of friends, and I was just walking around with mine, and then the dare came around. "I dare you to throw a snowball at her," one of my friends whispered, as I glanced at you, your blond hair peeking out of your hood. "Which one?", I questioned so nervously, hoping that they were talking about one of your friends, rather than you. But no, it was you.

And if there was one thing I could go back and change in my life, it would be that one moment. I shouldn't have given in to them, shouldn't have made you screech with shock, and then have your eyes sting with angry tears. I shouldn't have apologized, and brushed the snow out of your hair. I shouldn't have even looked your way. It shouldn't have snowed. We should've had school. Something should have changed. And you'd still be here.

You wouldn't even know who I was. You wouldn't have been driving on the icy roads on Christmas eve, just to stay the night and help me out with Sara, as my mother and father were wrapping the gifts. You wouldn't have slid, and lost control of the wheel. You wouldn't have been hurt. It's my fault you got hurt, and I can't get over it. I never will get over this hole in my chest, because I love you too much.

I didn't sleep that Christmas Eve, nor did I sleep for weeks. I didn't even want to leave my room that Christmas morning. I pulled myself out of bed, my eyes puffy and my throat dry, just to open my gifts and watch Sara open hers. After all the wrapping paper had been thrown, I walked right back upstairs, and locked my door.

I made a promise to my Mother this year, to celebrate Christmas the right way, to make up for last years. But she knew it'd be hard on me, knowing that this was my favorite time to spend with you. I put up the tree, decorated the windows, hung the stockings, my hands shaking as my heart pounded. My christmas wasn't holly, or jolly, and the lights weren't bright. It was dull, and dragged on forever. And as this holiday season passes, I remember the times with you, which made my lip tremble.

"Honey, It'll be fine. Just, do it for Sara." She cooed, as I took a break from decorating the tree in the back yard, taking in some fresh air, my throat too dry to respond to her. A forced a smile on my face as I walked back into the living room, trying to make the best of it. Because I couldn't change anything that happened in the past, I had my memories, and even though some were haunting, some were to die for. And I'd take the pain of the horrible memories, just to remember the good times with you.

Because next year, the snow will fall again, and the calendar pages will turn. And each passing day that goes by so slowly, is just another step closer to you.