Hate Me

Ryan’s guilt was more than enough for both of us. He made himself seem responsible. But we both knew it wasn’t his fault. Sloan was sick, even the psychiatrist at the orphanage said he had all of Sloan’s violent outbursts on file with extensive investigations.

Like the time he tried to get a girl to take off her pants for him when he was twelve. When she didn’t, he became so enraged that he threw her into a wall and nearly pulled the door handle off in a violent fit.

However, Ryan still blamed himself for whatever reason and for whatever reason, he cared about me.

He didn’t simply give me a hug or anything, he was at my beck and call every second of the day while I was in the hospital. To see that he cared was nice though. It’s kind of unexplainable. Like, he was kind of nice back when his friends, or, rather, “friends” would beat up on me and he’d hand me an ice pack or something.

But what if things change? What if he goes back to ignoring me? What if he stops caring about me like this? What if he just stands in the background and watches while I get beat up by his friends?

Thoughts like that scare me quite a bit, considering I’ve gotten so used to him being kind to me so I don’t know what I’ll do if he does that again. If I have even just one more person on my side, it makes everything that much better. And Ryan is no exception. The feeling that someone’s choosing me over someone or something else is like… how do I explain it? Well, I suppose it’s unexplainable, really, but it’s great.

*~*~*~*

It felt good to be back in my regular clothes and not that stiff hospital robe. My clothes brought me back this kind of familiarity that I really missed. All of this just seemed so surreal while I was dressed in the hospital gown. It’s amazing the effect that even clothes can have on you.

I could see my parents loading up the stuff they brought to me in the hospital as I looked out the window from the second floor down at the parking lot. And then Evan pulled May into his arms. She was upset, obviously. It hurt to see them like that, after everything they’ve done for me and I’ve done this; I’ve killed their son, my brother. I know they don’t blame me but… I still feel so terrible about it.

“Nero?” Someone called my name. It kind of feels far away and I can barely pull my gaze away from May and Evan, but I need to. My sanity depends on it.

I was expecting Kale to be there but it was Ryan. Though, I guess that’s not uncommon either. I mean, he has been there for me since he and Amy found me on the side of the street. I don’t know if it makes up for everything that’s happened, but it’s something. “Ready?”

I fought myself because a part of me wanted to look out the window again at May and Evan but the other side that was telling me to go to Ryan won.

I wasn’t prepared for the hug he pulled me into so I stiffened but then I somehow got myself to relax. The hug was something I kind of needed. It felt like everything would turn into something okay. I know that Ryan and I aren’t that close, but he seemed to know what I needed. I didn’t expect him to smell as good as he did. Like syrup or something. “I’m on your side, okay?”

That pulled me out of my stupor and I looked up at him after breaking myself free of his arms. It was almost like we were a… couple. Not that the idea of being with a guy scared me, but… I don’t understand him at all and this reminded me of just that.

“Do… do what you like…” I said exasperatedly.

“I did something wrong, didn’t I?” He sighed.

“Yeah, you’re confusing me,” I told him before brushing past him and trying to get downstairs before he could catch me.

In the elevator, I could see my expression reflected in the metal. To my surprise, I was blushing. Am I an idiot or something?

He wasn’t magically going to fix everything like I wished he could. Because that’s just impossible. I want him to go back to his friends and be happy because if he sides with me… there’ll be hell to pay. I don’t think that anyone should have to go through that.

*~*~*~*~*

I was lucky to not get any diseases from Sloan, though, or else I’d have had to stay in the hospital longer.

Either way, now I was back at school. I wished I wasn’t though, I just knew it would be bad. His friends would be even worse now. Wouldn’t they?

Well, nothing’s happened yet, there’s no one looking at me and it scares me. Things are bad when they hit me or make fun of me, but things are so much worse when they aren’t doing anything. And it’s all because I know that whatever they’re planning it’s got to be much worse than any ‘regular’ thing they’ve done.

And when I opened my locker, I knew that their plan had just begun when I read the red (obviously ink) writing that scrawled out, “KILLER”.