Hate Me

I decided not to let myself worry about it. Perhaps without Sloan their movements and plans would be disorganized and would fall apart. I didn’t throw away the card, but I kept it in my biology book for evidence.

It hits me just then. The fact that I’m sick and tired of this. So, so tired of it. Was it the accident that caused me to think like this? Was it the note? The look on my parents’ face when they found out Sloan was dead? And for once, I want to stand and fight, on my own two legs. I won’t let Ryan save me this time, because I know, deep inside, that what Amy and Kale said was true. About me being stronger than those idiots. I’m a killer after all.

Besides, they’re weak, I know it.

Grasping my textbook in my hands, I make my way to Biology. I want to let them know that I’m done. But as soon as I walk into biology, I know I won’t get that chance.

There were fifteen pairs of eyes looking at me as I entered the room. Everyone was silent. Someone had brought one of the old desks from the back and etched the words, “Murderer” into it and then wrote back over it with black sharpie. I clench my teeth and then make my way to sit down, but then I stumbled on someone’s deliberate attempt to trip me and fell to the floor. That was when I realized that no one was on my side.

I felt like lying there. I felt like giving up. It felt impossible. But then someone held out their hand to me, from what I could see on the ground. The smile was what I saw first. His smile, with all his white teeth showing, no longer mocking me. Was he ever mocking me? It was silently pleading me to stand and continue. It’s like he’s trying to radiate strength into me. But it didn’t work. I only need myself. I know that too well. High school is only a small step in my life and if I let things like these affect me, the cutting will only get worse. I don’t want that. I don’t need that.

Last time I checked, I was not a damsel in distress. However, I know when I should accept help. But whatever they know about Ryan is going to come out if he helps me, so why is he doing this? Why doesn’t he protect himself. Am I really all that important that he thinks that I need to be protected even if it means that one of his secrets will be out.

“Christ, Ryan, why you gotta help him out?” Some kid asked from a few desks away.

“You really think ganging up on him is gonna bring Sloan back? Sloan was no good from the start and you know it,” Ryan said, his voice forceful.

He took the shocked silence to lift me onto my feet and to pull me out the door, into the hallway.

I sighed as we walked out the doors of the school. Then I looked up at him. “Thanks.”

“It uh… it was no big deal,” he chuckled nervously. Maybe he wasn’t all that used to being thanked. I laughed at that.

“Wanna cut class and go to my house?” He asked, smiling.

“Yeah, sure,” I shrugged. It was better than sticking around here anyways.

*~*~*

“So… aren’t you worried that they’ll tell whatever dark secret it is you have?” I asked, taking a bite of my pizza roll, nearly burning my tongue in the process.

“A little…,” he admitted, suddenly looking downtrodden at my question.

“Then why’d you do it? Why would you help me? You’re putting yourself at stake for-”

“For someone I barely know?” He finished. “I dunno. I just felt like it.”

“No one does something for nothing,” I told him, trying to pry deeper into his thought process.

“I just felt like it!” He said. I could hear the agitation in his voice.

I roll my eyes. “That’s not the reason. It was some ulterior motive, wasn’t it? What do you want from me? I don’t really have anything to give…”

“That’s not it!” He yelled, turning to grab my shoulders. The grip was tight for a few seconds before he loosened it, but he didn’t let go. “I just… wanted to get to know you better…”

“Wh-what…?” I felt like I had been punched, like all the air had been knocked out of me. I wasn’t used to that, obviously. No one really, willingly, or genuinely wanted to be my friend. Besides Amy and Kale, of course. Sloan kept them all away from me.

I quickly recomposed myself, trying to make it like nothing had ever affected me in the first place. Even though Ryan did affect me. A lot.

“So… you’re willing to let your secret get out… just to… ‘get to know me’?” I asked, not looking at him. I was just so stunned. Can you blame me? “I don’t know what your secret is but it has to be a bad one, right?”

“The truth is, I don’t care too much about it anymore, that was in the past. Chances are, it probably won’t even get out,” he told me, shrugging.

“And if it does?” I questioned. He had to think about what he was doing, and I was trying to put him on that thought train.

His forehead creased and worry clouded his eyes. “It’s just high school.”