Hate Me

I took deep breaths as I came to my house, trying to make it seem like I hadn’t been running half a mile in what felt like 30 seconds.

I almost kissed him, I almost… gave in. I’m not denying that I… wanted to kiss him. But… he wanted to as well? I’m pretty sure he was the one who was leaning in and…

My face heated up with blush as I remembered what it felt like to have him so close to me, to have our lips nearly touch, to feel the loose strands of his hair brush against my cheeks.

It’s okay to like a guy… I know that. I know my parents would be okay with it, but it was still strange, a foreign feeling.

The possibility that he likes me back is obvious. Unless… What if the aura of the room just kind of pulled him to lean in?

Either way, I gathered myself and continued to walk up my driveway and into my house. Sloan’s room didn’t even seem as foreboding as going back to Ryan. And what must have Amy thought, seeing us like that?

What if she hadn’t walked in? What if we had kissed? Would he take responsibility for it? Would we…. Be going out? I don’t even know if I would allow that. Would I really let him get tangled up with me, knowing that I could end up having an emotional breakdown?

Perhaps it’s better this way? In the way that we aren’t together so that he can keep his sanity. Besides, I doubt I’d make a very good boyfriend, anyways.

As soon as I made if up to my room, I buried myself under my blankets and cuddled up to one of my larger pillows.

I know that I’m in no position to worry about what I want.

*~*~*~*

The next day, I got up, got dressed and did the regular thing for school. I tried to make it seem like nothing had changed to myself. But I had that dream again, the one where I was alone and suffocating because of it.It wasn’t like that when I was with Ryan.

Then I felt my eyes looking over at the desk behind me. The one that concealed my knife. That’s when I realized that I didn’t need scars anymore, I needed to let everything heal. Or else it’d destroy me. Sloan isn’t here anymore. I’m not being tormented, I’m not being afflicted by him.

Besides the Ryan thing, it was the first time I’ve really felt like nothing’s in my way.

*~*~*~*

As soon as I got to school Amy rushed up to me, her hair in a mess from the wind and out of breath. “I’m sorry for being such a cockblock,” she huffed.

My eye twitched before I realized she really said that. Then I burst out laughing. “Wh-what?”

“You and… Ryan. I thought he…” Amy started.

“What?”

“You like my brother, don’t you?” She asked.

Immediately, my face began turning red.

“Score one for Amy,” she chuckled.

“I don’t… know how I feel, actually…” I admitted, hanging my head.

“I won’t intervene too much, but since what happened yesterday, he’ll avoid you because he thinks he was forcing you. Um… okay bye!” She said before leaving me to my fate.

Why would he feel like he was forcing me? I thought that closing my eyes was enough permission… But I suppose he didn’t see it the same way I did. I wanted to, he wanted to, so I thought it’d be okay. I thought that with him it would… be okay.

And not even a few moments later did I catch sight of Ryan, who saw me and turned right back around and tried to walk away fast enough so that I wouldn’t catch him.

I sighed, sadly before walking in after him, and then breaking into a mild run before was within arm’s reach. As soon as I was, I pushed him into the wall in front of him, a corner of the hallway where a pillar was. I didn’t push him hard or anything, just enough to stop him. He then turned to face me.

Okay, now I’ve stopped him, now what exactly should I say?

“Why… are you running?” I asked, hesitancy in my voice.

“I… I’m sorry…. I didn’t mean to push our friendship, to push you… I just…” He paused and I thought he wouldn’t speak the rest of his sentence.

“You just what?” I questioned, desperate to hear the answer.

“I’ve just… liked you since… for about a year…” he admitted. “And I thought that the people I used to call my friends would tell you and… I wanted to tell you myself and I rushed it and I… I realized I messed it all up…”

“W-wait… what?” I was completely caught off guard by the spew of information that he sent my way.

He let out a deep breath and he suddenly looked so much more tired than a moment ago. “The secret I was afraid of my friends telling was… that I liked you. And Sloan… wanted to torture me because of it. To have his friends hurt you while all I could do was stand there and try to clean up the aftermath…”

“Why… didn’t you ever apologize for your friends? I mean… you always looked like you wanted to,” I dared to ask. It was the biggest question I had on my mind at the moment.

“Because… I was afraid that if I opened my mouth… I’d end up saying something stupid,” he whispered.

“So… all this time… you actually… l-liked me?” I stuttered.

“Since… last year… yeah…” He confessed. BY now, his face was as red as mine.

“Okay,” I said, not sure how to handle this new information. It’s strange for me to have someone like me, but isn’t this what I wanted? …Was it?

“J-Just ‘okay’?” He questioned, his eyebrows raising in surprise.

“I think… that you’re a video game nerd and you think too much. But… you’re also pretty thoughtful… and kind… and maybe… just a little bit of me… l-likes you t-too…”

By his expression, I was surprised that his jaw didn’t detach from his head, he was so surprised. It was like he thought that was the last thing I’d say.

And in the now empty hall, he hugged me to his body. I let my arms do as they wished and allowed them to snake around his waist.

“I… can I… kiss you?” He asked sheepishly. We pulled around just enough to look at the others’ face.

“Uh… I-I guess…” I stuttered.

Then he leaned down, cupping my face with both hands, his thumbs resting gently on my cheeks.

I began to shut my eyes just as his lips touched mine. They were warm and soft, like I had expected them to be yesterday. This just felt so good, so right. To be with him was right, or so it felt.

As soon as we pulled away, Ryan spoke up, his nervous voice quivering, “W-we should hang out today…”

All I felt I could do was nod and agree to go over to his house after school.

I know the average number of romantic partners a person has in their lifetime is about seven to ten. But all I’m really asking for right now, is just this one.