Immersion

I had spent the night before thinking about the unlikely chain of events that had fallen on my head and left me unconscious, bleeding badly from my cracked skull and the knowledge I had spent my whole life gaining slowly exert after. I was losing my brain and its guts and mucus to lastly trickle out of the hole with difficulty in syrup chunks, all to be left in the absence of everything I believed in was the past week or so, when this all first began.

From Oli to Mae, I had no idea of where to put my faith, or even merely start with.
Was I supposed to bet on the brother that's tendencies and entire personality was already known to me, or an eccentric stranger with a clean slate?

Again, I had no fucking clue.
It was either walking down a plank or a fun house that could have easily been disguised in smoke and mirrors. You see, I didn't give my brother much credit, but don't make me explain my whole reasoning as to why again. I had been thinking about it a lot though, I'll tell you that.

Ever since he found out my secret that some would say reaches the borderline of psychotic, I've been on my toes about the discovery. Personally, it had changed my end of the bond we had had once he entered the room, I heard the sound of his voice, or had no choice but to look at him, I was ashamed and on edge. I always thought he was going to bring it up, itching to bring it up only to tease me about how I had it so bad for a girl that I had resorted to stalking.

I wondered if it was crossing his mind as he drove me back home, or if he saw me with my camera, and of course when I asked to be taken to the photo shop. Then when I had them in my hands, if he suspected that they were of Adeline, or already knew somewhere.
A gut feeling.

I just couldn't be around Oli the same way I used to, and now with this supposed "plan", it made things even more sufficiently awkward. I was even waiting for the day when we would get in a fight bad enough for him to use that against me in the most hurtful way.
If it came to that, I would possibly hate him forever after.

Although, I couldn't help but remain curious about his agenda...what could he supposedly think up? As I had been doing, I would just have to bite my lip and wait in seam-ripping anticipation for the result. He had already gotten me far enough to be allowed to take pictures of Adeline, and if he could pull off something like that without even attending the school, then maybe the notions that took my whole life to be created were swayed.
Maybe Oli was a force to be reckoned with.
Maybe I should trust him.

"We've only got about two and a half weeks of rehearsal guys, I need to see more progress!"

Just to clarify, I was in the auditorium with the drama club, and that was the teacher (Mrs. Williams, but fuck if I know) at the end of her speech that sounded as though it had been given on a daily basis. I was too mesmerized with the reality that I had actually made it past the doors and on the stage where all the student actors were standing in a half-moon formation. It was odd to join in on a group of some familiar peers that were now with scripts in their hands, portraying characters never heard of in this brand new production.

It has been said that the musical was actually an album by some band, Forgive Durden, but I've been hearing people claim that someone at the school wrote it. I didn't know who to believe, but going with a band titled after showing compassion for a psychotic Palahniuk character just felt like a crock of shit. Not to mention the duty to look it up and find out always slipped my mind, so I could never be too sure.
I didn't very much care about its origin; only for the great music, acting, and a girl who's name is probably too worn out by this point. Speaking of the angel, I hadn't caught her presence since I first arrived about 5 minutes prior. Starting to think that she just hadn't made it yet or wasn't going to show up at all, I let my eyes take the chance to re-analyze others.

There was a guy from my physics class, usually quiet like myself, who was suspected to have an active role in the musical, considering he was in the front, listening attentively, and being called out by the teacher, telling him to step it up since he played the character Adakias.
A girl I saw once or twice in my art class chewed on her gum loudly with salivated snaps and given a warning look only twice before she was told to spit it out or leave, assuming that she had an easily replaceable part in the first place. Rolling her black laced eyes, she gulped quickly and smacked her lips. It would be another 7 years before it creeped back up on her.

I found those things slightly repulsive in other women, taking the more outrageous option in a way to be disgusting like that, for it has irked me since I could last remember, and so I trailed sights to the director again. Her hair was in a tight bun close to the top of her head with a couple dull brown strands falling gently down the sides of her face, and already sweating before the actual word had begun. She clapped her hands loudly, and everyone's head jerked upward with their eye lids pulled higher and alerted looks.

"Come on guys, pay attention, I have more exciting news to share!"

I was almost sure that the term for what she had been saying before was "lecture" and not "exciting news", but I guess I hadn't attended long enough to be aware of her perceptions like her other students had. I quirked an eyebrow in an expression to myself, a window to my thoughts for anyone who saw it. A couple people glanced back and forth between each other in curiosity, and then stared at me as Mrs. Williams put a hand out on my shoulder and delicately pulled me towards her.

"This young man, Thomas, I believe? Is going to be the photographer covering our performance and all the rehearsals from here on out. Welcome him with open arms please."

Then, as an assembly, the majority of people put their hands together and clapped without enthusiasm, but I wasn't expecting a fruit basket or anything, for I was glad that I was even there.

"Yeah Tom!!"
My eyes shot over to where the cheer came from, and it turned out to be Mae in her outgoing glory, waving her arms and having been laughed at a little because of her outburst.

Out of courtesy (and frankly, embarrassment), I waved my hand lightly with a deep blush erupting on my cheeks. Every once in a while, you come across the kind of people that are charismatic enough to make you feel somewhat comfortable around them from the start. Either that, or they just had a certain something that was untraceable that gave you the urge to be yourself.
Mae was at that potential point; I, barely breaking past the barrier that I never meant to build for myself. It was because I felt as though she were truly interested in me, even though it was the second day of her acknowledging my existence. Sometimes people represent themselves like that to gain your trust. It didn't matter to me if it was fabricated or not, it was great for in the moment.

I was taken by surprise when I saw Adeline next to her, staring hard at the dirty tiles below her and grabbing her friend's hand to pull it down harshly, to which Mae just rolled her eyes. I could feel extreme hurt suddenly pierce my being, and my whole mood that had been elated moments ago was shot down. That was how much control she had over me that she didn't even realize. Once there was a sign of her disapproval towards me or anything else it caused mild to severe depression.
She held so much dominance and order, she didn't have any idea.

My previous smile had turned to a frown, and Mae looked at me sadly with apology. It was all my fault to get involved more than I should have, and when Oli said that he had gotten me to be the photographer, to essentially step closer to Adeline, I should have denied the position instead of being happy to invade her personal space far more than I had ever. What if these rehearsals were the only instances where she could let loose from all the paranoia of me and any other troubles in her daily life? That would mean that I extensively ruined her outlet for all of the negative notions inside her, therefore, hating me even more.

I hoped I wasn't taking something so valuable away; that was the last thing I wanted to do. She needed to have everything she desired because she deserved nothing less. The whole world was what I wanted to give to her petite palms; Adeline beaming at my offer and appreciating the hardships experienced to ensure she could keep it would mean the world.

Everything.
Anything.
Any time.

I wasn't much help lately, and probably even worse than what I could have been, but if she cooled her disdain towards me after being acquainted with my attendance for the next couple weeks, well, maybe she could learn to like me. A life after being aware that I followed her.

She looked like a classy and cordial girl who joined in the concept of "forgive and forget". I could find or lie about a band with an equally bullshit name called Forgive Tom to convince her it was fate.

She looked back up from the floor and to the teacher, to some of her fellow peers, to the exit door -anywhere but around my perimeter, and if she ever came close to me, her pupils would dart back in the opposite direction. Her cheeks also adorning the color pink from humiliation.
Mine should have had blood spewing from the pores if that was the case.

Like the timid boy I was born as, I didn't dare look her way either once I knew she was embarrassed by me. It was then that I knew being photographer for the musical only mainly consisted of cons, and I was an utter fool to believe it would grow into a personal gain.
Only a job.
Currently mandatory.

Oli's plan wasn't really thought out, and I was a total dumb ass filled with too much desperation and hope to actually figure out its numerous kinks. I really just fucked myself over by committing to these damned practices where I'd have no choice but to take pictures of her prancing around and obviously despising me. It would make it harder to be there, and could envision me eventually resigning or whatever actions needed to be taken to be permanently removed from the project. I wouldn't be able to deal with that stress of knowing she loathes me and being reminded on a daily basis. Hello, my name is Menstrual Cycle, and I'm going to rule Tom's life for the next two and a half weeks.

"Alright, so if there aren't any questions or concerns about what we're doing, let's start from the top. Where's my narrator? You open the show, so I want you front and center. You can just pretend it's dark and there's a spotlight on you..."

And then my ears became too overwhelmed to translate any other babbling information to fly from her mouth. I was only shown that I should step to the side as everyone scrambled from one place to the other to get to their correct location. The stage felt small in the first place, but with that many bodies standing on it at one time made claustrophobia a possibility.

I wasn't usually one to be dramatic, but being around individuals who strived for that very profession caused me to feel a little light headed myself. Adeline and Mae had disappeared, so I hurried to stage right, and as all had calmed down, stood one boy in the middle; reciting his short monologue:

"This is the beginning and the end; the rise and the fall. Our gait will begin its saunter at the source, when the infant learns to crawl..."

And the music rolled in; a couple dancers appeared in its midst and fluttered along the background in leaps, and then, intricate dances. The first real character makes his entrance with a power that only existed in mere plays like this one, and even in the absence of special effects, lighting, makeup, and all the other elements required for the big night, I felt entranced by his demeanor, the way in which he carried himself.

I shot a photo before I became too hypnotized.
His mouth opened and his singing voice arose.
CLICK.

A dancer was beaming as one arm was folded behind her head.
CLICK.

I shifted, put the camera to my face, and viewed the entire assembly before the shutter could only be heard by me as another photo was taken. Mrs. Williams was yelling in the background for straight postures or a louder voice from one of the two singers who now had to share the stage. I made sure there was substantial proof that she was doing her job, and that any performer's testimony didn't have to stand alone in its claim.

I wanted to rest assure that I documented everyone who was acting, at the best angle and perfect lighting I could. It was as though I was caught up in a contrasting dimension I hadn't known, as though I were born again and feeling extremely clean. It was an amazing ride right as it started; an excitation, and when the director first cut them off, I was still submerged in an addicting high. I had no idea cocaine was this cheap.

"Hey Tom."

My eyes widened significantly, but nevertheless, I glanced over my shoulder at the whispering Mae. Who else could it have been, after all.

Her orbs were matching, I had no idea why though considering that she scared me. I would have chuckled at her panicked-like expression but she wasn't Oli so I refrained. I nodded in that way all cool guys do when they greet someone they know even though I didn't fit that demographic and turned back to where the action was: the teacher indulging her students in the second rant so far.
That scenario proved to be not so photogenic.

"You know, Adeline's song is coming up. Hope you brought some extra film..."

This caused my previous high to hit rock bottom, and I tried to not let it show even though Mae was standing safely behind me.

"Cool."

But apparently, the one worded response and dull tone in my voice was more than enough to hint that I was feeling sad once again, and that I need to change my tampon. Mae then walked over to my left side and stared at the side of my face as I tried with much effort to look straight ahead.

"Listen, Tom, you have nothing to worry about, okay?"

Oh alright, I'm just paranoid, I guess.

"I'm serious man, it's just...I- never mind."

I was interested now. There was something she wasn't telling me, something that she seemed to have been keeping for awhile now with the remaining scared emotion written all over her presence. I cocked an eyebrow and turned in her direction, not worried about my thoughts being shown, but instead revealing her's. Now she was the one trying to separate the contact.

"No, tell me."

She glanced back and forth furiously, and then tried to give a smile. Adeline had just walked on set, and when she caught the two of us standing there together, she slowed down for only a moment to give us question, and possibly even fear.
It seemed as though I was the man of the hour.

Mae took me by the arm and pulled me down the steps next to the side of the stage. I guess she completely forgot that I had duties, but I could give a shit at the time. Her next words would be very important.

With a sigh, she began
"Okay. Let's just say...oh man. Let's just say that Adeline doesn't hate you."

"...What?"

Again with the sighing.
"Well...I kept seeing you following her around, and I began to have my suspicions. I told one of my friends about it after she noticed too what I thought, and then she spotted you that day in the bushes and told an administrator."

What did this mean exactly?

"I don't understand."

Sigh one more time, except more irritably.
"And when she told the administrator, he went straight to you. No one else, not even Adeline. Which means..."

It means, ladies and gentlemen, that if Adeline hadn't suspected anything herself, she had no idea that I got in trouble for harassing her. It means that she had no reason to hate me.

It means...
I still had a chance.