Immersion

I've only been to three more rehearsals since the first one attended, the official total being five because I missed the first on account of utter bullshit (as you already knew). It wasn't a huge deal apparently, just everyone becoming acquainted with their roles, getting to know their assigned partners for assigned scenes, etc. Nothing to place a money shot or two in which gave me relief so Ms. Williams wouldn't hate me as much for my unlucky delinquency.

I knew that that was my one and only warning to my internal strive for accomplishment anyway; I wasn't about to turn into someone unprofessional that could not be counted on because of their behavior. Even though I really did nothing wrong in the first place except give someone the attention they were calling for, I assured myself that I would never let it happen again.
I couldn't let it happen again.

This was obviously a formal production being conducted on my very own campus that would not tolerate any more flaws on my part due to the fact that they could very easily cut me from the project and get another willing soul to do it. I wasn't dumb enough to forget that I had quite an opportunity fall into my lap, so to just chuck it back at it's maker would be absurd of me. I had to shape up. I had to be better. I wasn't going to allow Ms. Williams to see me slip up, even though she didn't get on my ass so much the first time it happened. If this was my job then I was going to complete it as professionally and respectfully as possible, and hopefully, maybe even get presented with the opportunity to return if they liked my work ethic so much.

For now though, I could just watch my Adeline.

It always came back to this, and I know I've said that before, but it will forever hold the most sincerity of my current being. She was on my mind more than a girl should be on any guy's conscience; I was crazy about her. While some boys my age were stuck in the logic that the more chicks that hung off your arm gave you more credibility, I just ached for one. I ached for the female singer with long, flowing auburn hair, big and bright blue eyes, a figure that could be considered a little over average but still perfect in my opinion, and a smile that showed me that the world didn't need a sun; there was one right on its surface.

She walked around in all her glory before me only a couple yards away, and I wanted nothing more than to meet her halfway and talk. Say something, even if it was only "hello".
She didn't have to say anything; she already had me.

It was times like these that I so desperately wish I possessed only a single outgoing bone in my bashful shield of a body so that I could be included in her life if even in the smallest way possible. Even if I was just "that guy" that she conversed with for a few moments that she never talked to again. Of course, that's not all I wanted by a long shot, but if that's all I was given, I would accept it gladly over just constantly wondering what she was like because honestly I had no idea.
She could have been a bitch with a gorgeous face.
A total closet freak like me.

At this point I could only go on what Mae told me about her, and even then it wasn't too much. She was well aware that I liked her, but whenever she was brought up the conversation, the focus was shifted more on what I should be doing to try to win her over as opposed to the actual personality she encompassed that I had no clue about. I didn't want to ask though -not just yet. We had to become greater friends to reach a level where I could request information from Mae.
Goddammit though, I was more than willing to wait.

I was fine observing Adeline for now, along with her co-performers.

The process in which this was all being created was a concept completely foreign and refreshing to me, and one that I rather enjoyed. I never realized how much skill was required in making a performance so believable and the art in which acting was held in such high regard. There was also a fragile camaraderie growing beneath the surface that was beginning to reveal itself in only these five sessions to which I was mildly jealous yet somewhat proud of. In a way, I was a part of this too, even though I wasn't given a role and directly interacting with the characters.

I was a lens though, and my part was to show everyone outside of this production the relationships created and overall fun Drama Club had to offer to the average student. Through shots of milliseconds in time, I provided a window into an honestly gorgeous world.
It was free, yet carefully placed.
Lighthearted yet serious.
Fun while it was work.

Though, don't be so fully fooled.

As I was enjoying myself, there were also constant instances where I would find a clear spot to sit and just chill with my chin resting on the palm of my hand as everyone got to indulge in the delicate scolding of the teacher who, clearly, had high expectations of her students. She pushed them hard, and just when you thought she was done and had let everything out, a new wave of criticism came out of nowhere to drown in. Everyone became very tired very quickly in even the first five minutes, or at least the actors that actually mattered as all the extras talked among themselves.
They could be painting each others nails and still wouldn't be reprimanded and/or needed.

As far as they were concerned they didn't have to attend, but Ms. Williams would still give them zeros. I guess it was an attempt to be fair and make all participants commit so that one group of kids wouldn't have to continuously clear their schedules while the others were relaxing in recliners at home, or even shopping right after school. Whatever.

I was one of the important ones outside of the theater department, although I honestly had no clue as to where I was supposed to report to with my fresh batch of photographs.
That must be something to ask Oli.

It was a surreal feeling to ask him about the happenings at my very own school while he slept during those active 8 hours. I was always roaming the damn halls and yet he still had valuable information that I didn't. It was overly intriguing as to the evading purpose of his actions but there was no way I would question him -he wouldn't reveal anything anyway. There only appeared a whimsical, sinister smile on those lips all in one, telling me there was nothing to tell.

"I only wanna help you, Tom.
I only want the best for you, Tom."
A bunch of polite bullshit to keep a real reason hidden where even my camera couldn't find. I wasn't too incredibly concerned with my older brother's motives because he really was just a clumsy creature with the best intentions, but that seeming "gift" from god to fuck things up was the only speed bump.

A combination of my lack of luck and Oli's superpower from hell was a sure recipe for disaster, and add Adeline into the mix, you've just gained the potential to ruin my life.
But, I somewhat digress. Sitting idly in the auditorium among the drama department made me analyze things from a menstrual point of view.

I was beginning to stare at her again and I felt it in my gut; I felt the pit of despair's outlet grow wider and wider, like my stomach was being eaten alive by sorrow.
Oh man, I had to get the fuck away from the actors.

Adeline was spinning and twirling around the stage at a glacial pace, her partner waiting to grab her hand on the other end to then commence in a combined dance to their song, 'The Missing Piece'. I had witnessed the routine twice already, and a third time was definitely in order. It was an absolute joy, of course, to have the opportunity to not only watch the girl I liked smile and engage in an activity she loved, but to also see the inner workings of a production like this.

I was sure that this was a rare gem to crank up the value in my life, so it was to be thoroughly indulged in. I was meeting stars in the making, and able to watch a beautiful play piece together, brick by brick. Everyone was growing already and lines were being memorized; acting was becoming better. Even though Ms. Williams nagged her students, every now and then I could catch the pride in her eyes, and that must be why teachers become teachers.
She only composed herself as a strict director to create a strong show, and when she did bark and rant about worst case scenarios that paranoid old women only dwell about, I was just a bystander. While everyone else got chewed out, I stood to the side awkwardly with my Nikon around my neck. The students' faces would hold no expression, and after she uttered the last words of her argument they would claim back their stage spots and try harder, sometimes to no avail but only wanting to make her happy so they would receive praise instead.

Once Adeline and her partner were complete with their song, the couple students that watched instead of going off in their own niches clapped, Mae and myself included. The beautiful girl looked at her best friend that then gave her a thumbs up and beamed brilliantly, teeth sparkling beneath the stage lights and her chest rising and falling rapidly from shortness of breath. Her hair was clipped past her temples to keep out of her face, then flowed barely past her shoulders in the dark, auburn curls.

As she walked towards the edge of the performance landing, she glanced at me out of the corner of her eye, then as quickly as it came, vanished. Feeling like I was hit with a drop of rain on a hot day for it to only be in my wishful imagination, I tried to take it gently. All people give at least a millisecond's attention to everyone else around themselves to create an accurate surrounding and that was all this was.

I blinked and stared desperately down at my camera so my attention could be on something static rather than ever changing. It was an extreme nervous habit I had acquired ever since I first became interested in photography, and one of the reasons I loved putting a camera around my neck. It was so easy to hide and pretend I was fascinated in old fixtures that I already remembered by heart and no one had to know it. Being reclusive was the simplest thing in the world.

"This needs some serious work," Ms. Williams said sourly.

The chatter disappeared, everything went silent, and I just had to look up again. She had her legs crossed as she sat in the middle of the front row, her lips pursed tightly in thought and not-so-distant disappointment as the boy and Adeline stood unsteady from putting weight on one foot then the other. They were shifty eyed from staring at the exit, to the left wall, the rafters, the other seats -anything but the unsatisfied instructor before them. There was no feedback to Ms. Williams' statement, so she opted to continue.

"...have you two even practiced in the past couple of days?"

It was an incredulous question as though she already knew the answer but couldn't believe. Adeline's partner blinked a few times in shock.

"We-we've been working on it every other day-"

"You will need to change that to every day from now on Steven, since your turns are very sloppy. And Adeline,"

She made gentle eye contact with the director with fear. Ms. Williams clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth, and it was so quiet in the auditorium that its echo rang clear. Her seeing orbs were bare as she was most-likely replaying the sequence in her head to recall what needed to be corrected, even though if it were really so horrible she could take it from the top of her head.
Sometimes I think that she just tries to find something wrong to bitch about.

"You need to learn how to sing and dance at the same time if you're gonna be in this musical."

And then, leaving Adeline embarrassed center stage without giving her a chance for a defense, she then shooed them off and called a group of extras to the front who had been busy playing rock,paper, scissors to pass their unneeded time there. Mae stood standing to the opposite side of the stage as I was with an evident face filled with morose, and then noticed me staring at her. Her eyes were empty with sympathy; we all understand being torn apart in front of a large group of people, exposed so harshly and far more than ready for. It can be downright traumatizing dealing with such humiliation, and Adeline looked as though she were about to cry.

No, this was far from what I ever wanted to witness.

Even though she wasn't mine and she probably hated me, I cared about her so deeply and never desired to see her in pain; being told you're not cut out for something you love and worked so hard for in front of all your peers is a situation I would never wish upon anyone, especially her.
She didn't deserve this.

Her eyes unexpectedly made contact with mine and I froze. Although it was a surprise that she looked over at me, I had expectations in that moment for her to quickly retreat them back towards their original line of vision, but this did not happen. Her piercing blues left mine in a merciless trance as they steadily filled with moisture, and I felt helpless as I stared.
I had no idea of what to do as she finally noticed me, for that was a whole other freak out in itself, and I was so wrapped up with that that another shock hit me as she dashed off towards the back of the stage and vanished.

Everyone exchanged glances of sorrow and knowing while I was left utterly confused. It all happened so fast that it felt like I was spun around a million times and placed in front of a fork in the road thinking it was the end of a broom with a hundred or so different pieces of straw to choose from.
Mae hurried across towards me, trying her unsuccessful best to dodge the performers and random props in her pursuit. Once she reached me, she muttered "come on" before grabbing my wrist and dragging me in the direction that Adeline went. I tried hard to pull away but she only tightened her hold and walked faster.

"Let go of me," I whispered.

"Tom, I'm trying to help you, now you have to go out there and comfort her."

What?

I was finally able to get my arm away from her long enough to put a pause in our transport, or more accurately, her forcing me to do something that reeked of disaster. Her eyes widened, not believing what I had done. I looked past her at the exit door where her friend, the girl of my dreams, went through only moments ago. Would this little stunt that Mae was trying to make me comply to really work? This was her best friend after all, and she seemed to know Adeline much better than anyone else. I wasn't one to take risks unless they were safe bets or accurate predictions that would ensure my security in the end result; it played a major role in never allowing me to get what I want, and left me sheltered, innocent, and paranoid. My skin was pristine and unscathed, but it was common knowledge that everyone is more interested in a stunt man than a pansy-ass butler.
Always afraid of the worst-possible outcome.
Always assuming everyone was out to think horribly of me.
More alone trying to protect myself than out actually living.

This was an opportunity to finally meet the girl my camera knew so well, and yet I was unbelievably clueless. I just had to walk up and maybe sit next to her and ask if she was okay or was going to be. I turned to Mae with a clear profile, thinking that all my insecurities had been made sense of, and let her lead the way again.

We reached the door finally, and in all its molded wooden glory she said proudly, "now, go get her tiger!"

"I-I...I can't."

The fear had leapt up into my throat again, and with the new courage that never had the chance to become familiar, I scattered from the scene. If I went out there, she would have thought I was a total weirdo and boom, that would annihilate my already small chance of any halfway decent relationship. I wouldn't even know what to say because I would be in awe of entering her presence.
You see? I'm too creepy to have any contact with her.

I left Mae to stand behind like an idiot, and I felt a pang of guilt inside, but not enough to get me to return. She would be fine, it's not like she was lost or something. I just had to get the fuck out of there and just go home. I could have always stayed in the auditorium and ignored Mae's pleas to talk to Adeline, but I had a feeling that since I didn't really know her all that well yet she could carry no shame in sparking a scene, embarrassing me to no end until I agreed and I was under her wing once again.

From the little knowledge I did have, she was an eccentric character who didn't give a damn about what people thought, and individuals like that should have a "Warning" sign hung around their necks. They're reckless beings that push you to your limits thinking that it will result in a good outcome when the absolute opposite happens. She reminded me of my brother and it was unnerving.
They would get along great.

Semi-scared and with no sense of real direction, I unintentionally walked through the half-mooned circle the extras had created as Ms. Williams was directing her more important part of the cast. The group gave me dirty looks as I had cut through their invisible air of Rock, Paper, Scissors even though I thoroughly apologized while my cheeks were on fire. Whenever doing something wrong I became humiliated and begging for forgiveness, or for someone to smile and say that it was cool. A Gandhi, but there were no peace keepers here. I was hated for a few seconds and then it was forgotten by them for it to remain in my mindset for a multiplied amount longer.
I didn't dare look back at them because Mae wouldn't be too far behind -I could hear her in those heels tearing up the stage trying to keep up with my quickened pace that would only get faster at this point. Possible places to go stemmed then died past my conscience while treading in no certain direction. I just kept going forward. Of course in the mere physical form as opposed to metaphorically.

The teacher didn't seem to notice my sudden goal of departure and for that I was eternally grateful. Even though I had been assigned as photographer of these rehearsals I doubted it was a real priority on her list unless in the name of promotion of the play, but for now she had to work on the structure itself instead of my job to give it an outer beauty. Like a bike that appeared shiny that was only made of pencil lead, she had to help strengthen the production. There were more days to shoot photographs anyway.
My feet took me down the few steps on stage right, flowing down with an impressive grace that I didn't think was a capability with the way I was at the time. Shouldn't I have been tripping over my non-existent shoelaces in front of everyone? Shouldn't Mae have caught up with me at this point?

It didn't matter, I just kept walking.

Escaping situations leaves you with no other alternatives to mentally take place in other than the task at hand to vanish. No real logic comes into play because logic meant stalling, and that was definitely not an option. When you want to leave a place that badly, you get the fuck out of there. That's all I was doing, but I was just surprised that I was doing it right instead of chaotically.
Maybe I could even get away with slipping my hand in my pocket, taking out my cell phone, and calling Oli to come pick me up so the strategy would move even faster into motion.

The auditorium was dark with a few lights that felt like they were a hundred feet up in the air to sparkle their glows, and with many seats to accommodate the large room, I stayed by the wall in the clear aisle to ensure that this streak of things going my way in the form of fleeing would remain. I didn't need to end up zig-zagging my way through the entire fucking facility while Mae could just stop rushing towards me to witness me making a complete mockery out of myself.
I had then reached the double doors of the entrance (or in my case, exit) and I pushed past them with an over exaggerated force that could give a toddler a run for his spoiled money. Again, that could be blamed on the timidness hazing my hand muscles to make a blatant statement of leaving rather than to be quiet about it. The air was sweet with the afternoon and was neutralized by my flaming degradation as I swept through the cement courtyard and to the planted one neighboring it.
There rested a row of unoccupied stone benches that were waiting to treat my ass to a break, so I picked the closest and sat down, running my hands through my hair and trying to calm myself, not to mention my burning face. I'm sure to the average passerby I appeared as either completely stressed out or a downright pansy.
In this case I was both.

Other shy souls know what I mean when events come and go, and whenever you feel the possible opportunity to take a chance and step out of your shell and you don't, it's the worst crash experienced. And it happens repeatedly.
Repeatedly.
Repeatedly.
Repeatedly.

It's a vicious cycle and you wonder why the fuck you were made this way. Why couldn't you have been brave enough to put yourself out there for others to see instead of keeping you all to yourself? Is there ever an answer to this everlasting problem? Will there ever be a cure? Then you know that it's all on the inside where the problem needs fixing, except you can't fix something with already broken tools.

You're a blind person trying to help another blind person out of the dark. A dumb snail attempting to stop the torture by rolling around in more salt. Tackling calculus in the dark with a calculator operated by solar panels. You're fucked.

Frustration is not a strong enough word.

I was, pathetically, rocking slightly back and forth as these pessimistic thoughts were all to keep me company, and with them the little self-esteem that I possessed dwindled lower and lower and lower. As if I wasn't bad off enough there was always something to bring me down to an even farther rock bottom.
Why didn't anyone tell me that rock bottom was an infinite term?

A silent pattern of sniffling was what I thought was in the direction of my east, so I turned my head and instantly turned it right back. The person it was coming from was closer than I thought and I practically looked into their eyes. They had done the same not so long ago and I felt rejected, but now I was the one who accidentally initiated the contact for a second time the situation had returned. I had made an unintentional bold move.

Taking it as an invitation, she rose from her spot against the brick wall of the auditorium, close to the backstage exit, and began to approach me. In a panic, I glanced hopefully back behind me to see if Mae had been ever-so-kind enough to follow me outside and accompany me to make this entirely new and unexpected scenario a more pleasant one because at that point I was a wreck. I was not to talk to anyone, especially not Adeline.
Yet she was coming over to the bench with teary eyes.

A fantasy like this had helped me through the days many times, and it became so old that I could be paying attention in class and still see it play out in my head in grave detail: she would fall into my arms due to some wrong against her, then as she muttered what had happened through sobs would I rub gentle circles into her back and hush her to a common calm. My voice would go off into its own territory of "It's alright"s and "You'll be okay"s. Then, her head would lift itself up from my shoulder that was wet from sadness and she'd kiss me softly.
A happy ending to a temporary tragedy.

I snapped out of it when she took a seat right next to me, uninvited yet more than welcome. My heart was pounding against the thin material of my t-shirt and I'm almost sure I was about to throw up (hopefully on the patch of grass to my left as opposed to her being on my right). This was definitely in the top most nerve wracking moments of my life, and I had no way of knowing how to deal with it.
How to even talk to her like I wanted to.

She stared at me with those blue eyes, and they were more piercing than I thought they could ever be: full of life at their most miserable, and heartbreaking to me. I wanted to bring my hand to her face and wipe away the stray droplets, but she would just have to sit like that until she brushed them away herself because I didn't hold that many guts, only vital organs that I needed anyway.
I wasn't sure if she was waiting for me to say anything or not, after all I was the one to look at her and possibly beckon her to come up and sit by me. God, I couldn't believe that I could even think of that sentence so honestly. She sniffled again and combed a lock of her hair behind her ear, on the opposite side where I couldn't see it, and then glanced out towards the drop-off lane where the cars entered. Ah, she was waiting for someone to pick her up.

I had the utter temptation to tell her how I thought she did such a great job up there on stage and that Ms. Williams didn't know what she was talking about when she gave her those bullshit suggestions, but the words were stuck in traffic of my nausea. She would go away just as fast as she came over and then, fuck, I might as well just kill myself. Then the side of me that lacked in size and had about as big of a population as Luxembourg screamed at me to just go and say it. That this was a chance that I would not get again unless I took advantage of it and become friendly with her. That I couldn't expect to mop about not even knowing her if I didn't put in a substantial effort.
I had to do this.

With the courage growing within me, I stuttered, "I-I thought you were...you were, gr-great."

A frantic and desperate prayer then recited in my head faster than I could keep up with, but I think the words were something like "Oh please oh please oh please oh please". I had returned to the whimpering coward that had a rare personality disorder of occasionally becoming a knight in shining armor ready to put his life on the line for his beautiful princess, although I was just waiting tortuously for the beauty's reaction.

This was what has been waited for.
The climax to the buildup.
What was going to happen?

I didn't find out then, because as her face was about to make an expression of whatever emotion she wanted to show me, a car horn blared loudly in the student drop-off lane, penetrating into our little bubble of interaction that I was still in shock over, and she and I turned our heads straight forward to see who it was.

You had to be fucking kidding me.

She didn't say anything back to my comment, and she didn't even show the feelings she had toward it, because her face then contorted into a frantic rush to grab her purse on her right and take off.

I waved sadly as she walked towards the car of the guy from the photo shop.