Immersion

Auditoriums are not built for photographers.
I found out the hard way.

My body's fat percentage surpassed the mobile limit as I twisted myself between the rows to gain improved vantage points and perfect angles. Almost as difficult as spying on Adeline, dashing around corners and crouching behind trees and what not. The difference was having the permission to do it. The particular song being rehearsed, "It's True Love", was slow moving yet exceptionally challenging to shoot for. Hell, the entire musical was.
An improvement, but still, an odd feeling. My favorite spots were the far right of the stage where everyone fit in the frame, or from the back overlooking the main characters, their silhouettes strikingly crisp on the hardwood floor. Or, obviously, wherever Adeline was.

Though she was a pristine art form all on her own, taking pictures was still a labor of love. The theater and photography shared a commonality: lighting was everything. From the sixth row to a slight left, the pastel blue spotlight forged a feeling of relaxation, while sage green on the right emulated a sense of nobility from the third row, yet an earthy vibe from the tenth. I utilized color to manipulate actual subject matter and emotional responses derived from viewers. I took my work very seriously, and I imagined that Adeline would recognized that when I presented her with the snapshots from Saturday.

It had been three days since I had the photos in my possession. I was too daunted to go up to her and show them off. I questioned if they would hold value to her. Did they reach her standards? Was there a chance she would adore them to the extent that another photo shoot would be planned? I knew she was going to ask me about them eventually, and I pondered if Mae would be the middle man and spare me the rejection.

Then I remembered.
I glanced around, but Mae was nowhere to be found.
That was new.

She was mysteriously absent from rehearsal. The last I had heard from her was the day of her and Oli's argument when she ended up leaving in a hurry soon after. I guessed that her feelings were hurt, but I gave her space and did not ask, thinking I would have wanted someone to do the same.

The deep drones of the piano tuned out my thoughts and flushed the entire theater with a romantic richness that cascaded around the two main characters of the play. They waltzed to the music while sheer talent stuck to their voices with grace. Though I had anticipated Adeline to snag the main role, the chemistry displayed between them was undeniable; an engrossing experience. A rare instance as a photographer is when every shot you take makes the cut. The magic was in the air, electrifying every atom within the vicinity.
The two characters they portrayed, Adakias and Princess Anhura, were from opposite worlds who fell into the idea of "love at first sight", on the brink of a Romeo and Juliet scenario. "It's True Love" was the cultivation of vulnerability displaying how deep that emotion ran, right down to the bone marrow. I was captivated by the intensity and CLICKED the trigger button on my Kodak furiously. The male lead's face was illuminated with pure ecstasy, his right hand placed delicately on the girl's lower back as their feet pattered along the length of the stage. The girl sparkled as she hit every note with clarity, staring into his eyes with infatuation as the seconds blended together. I shot from every possible perspective by crouching or squatting, and even backed into a corner to scope out the boundaries.

I was slipping into a coma of entrancement, then inevitably into the realms of fantasizing Adeline as the Princess and I as Adakias. Genuine lovers, dancing gradually enough that time would seem to have stopped in the orange and yellow shadow of a sunset, worshiping each other. She'd explore my eyes without depth perception, perhaps reaching my soul, and I'd lay my palm faintly on her back. That would have been worth all the isolation and anxiety ever to trail muddy foot prints across the doormat that was my life. If only she knew.

"Alright, cut, cut, cut," Mrs. Williams interjected.

She was stitched into the half circle made by the students, who observed the performance halfheartedly as they peered at their dirty fingernails or scripts. I paused, perplexed as to what errors were made with their mesmerizing act. My camera hung from my neck as I witnessed the teacher step away from the group to the beaming actors, on the prowl.

She was a hungry shark whirling them, scoping every fiber of their clothing to the last hair on their heads. Her cat eye glasses sank to the bridge of her nose, revealing piercing grey eyes. Intimidated by their teacher, the two stepped apart and glanced hesitantly at each other. The theater was hushed and I moved in closer, my eyebrow raised in interest.

"Dustin and Amanda..." Mrs. Williams trailed off, tapping her fingers against her hip.

What I would have given to have been more outspoken like Mae. I had more than a few choice words.

They made eye contact with fear.
I was near enough to see Mrs. Williams' pursed lips.

"I'd bet my life that you two are not a real couple."

The dance partners burned holes into their shoes with their eyes.

"And I'd bet that you aren't friends either."

They peeked at each other, then stared on in shame. Mrs. Williams clicked her tongue against her teeth.

She would not be fulfilled with a basic suggestion, oh no.
She had to build her insults brick by brick, creating an iron-clad formation that no one could demolish. And, as you could already fucking guess, it had to be overly dramatic.

I was frustrated that Mrs. Williams insisted on condemning the actors publicly as though they were obedient robots lacking feeling. It was high school, not the Screen Actors' Guild. If they were able to reach her outrageous standards, they would be permanent fixtures on the red carpet. My jaw clenched, anger rushing through me when I thought of her "critique" towards Adeline that made her cry.

"It's easy to come to that conclusion watching that performance, I hope you're aware of that."

If only Mae were there, we could have torn her apart together.
I could hear her in my head calling Mrs. Williams a cold bitch.

The unsatisfied teacher began pacing, appearing thoughtful with her hand placed beneath her chin and sagging, aging skin. I wanted to get a glimpse of her thought process too twisted to untangle. How could she conceive such rubbish? Had she even been watching? The affections from that act reverberated off the walls and encompassed me. There was no way I was alone. I scrutinized each student to reassure myself, but they were expressionless to her reign of terror. I set my sights on Adeline. She spoke in whispers to her friend and looked down at her sprawled legs in what translated as second-degree embarrassment.

The students all had a similar demeanor.
Another main character playing Pallis, Adakias' brother, stood stiffly with his arms crossed firm around his chest, his lips sealed shut. Then there was Danny, a runty yet talented sophomore who played a cherub, focusing straight ahead sternly while his friend tried to murmur to him. And Jeremy, one of the tallest guys in school, playing the part of The Oracle, shifted his weight between feet and itched the back of his neck similar to Oli when he got nervous. He was probably wondering why he hadn't listened to everyone's pleas to be a basketball star and instead opted to follow his dream at the cost of being berated. They were all angry, hurt, or disappointed. Nothing would ever be good enough.

"You're supposed to be performers, you must try harder. Of all the emotions, love is the most difficult to fake."

Mrs. Williams wrung her hands together, on the verge of another one of her infamous speeches. I leaned up against a wall. It would be a while.

"Contrary to popular belief, love isn't always grinning until your face hurts, and it's not waltzes and adventure strictly woven together. This song is a snapshot of happiness on their time line, but it took risk, sacrifice, and physical struggle. You have to display that history. Find a way."

Risk? I had a lot to lose.
Sacrifice? My time, energy, sleep, sanity, normalcy, and money on the photo shop.
Physical struggle? It's not easy getting out of shrubbery.

"...and even then, the most important lesson is this: There are things bigger than you out there, even bigger than two people. Outside forces at play that Adakias and The Princess cannot fathom, which is why he is killed unexpectedly by his brother and holds the power to reunite the worlds of the light and the dark. They assumed they were destined to be together forever. They were tragically wrong. Keep all of this in mind as you are performing."

What would Adeline do if it were us? Act or truly feel? Was it inside of her to love me like that?

I knew love to the last letter.
I lived it, breathed it, and carried it on my chest like a 2-ton leech. Nothing, not paranoia or social anxiety or insomnia, outweighed the leech. That parasite was sucking me dry and I allowed it to consume me. There were days where the longing was so loud it caused me pain. Basic functions were impossible tasks, buried by fantasies that felt so incredibly real but encased in bullet proof glass, no way inside. Making a move on Adeline was an alarm clock that I couldn't turn off, ringing and blaring, begging me to wake up, but I was asleep in sleep paralysis of my own creation.

My mind was hazy as Mrs. Williams resumed rehearsal with what sounded like real constructive feedback and desperately needed motivation. The students further distanced themselves from the practice and into their personal social spheres.

When Mae was around, at least she could distract me from becoming too hopeless over Adeline, and kept me amused. She was the devoted believer in the front pew at church every Sunday, attending rehearsals like they were her life source. The silent cheerleader for the actors, giving thumbs up every time they glanced in her direction. It was nice having her feed me tidbits about her best friend and share valuable advice between photos. Best of all, she didn't seem to mind when I gushed about Adeline.

My eyes trailed to her, still stretched out across the floor and tapping her feet together like a sitting Dorothy, tilting her head back to laugh brightly. She was my most sought out yet avoided distraction; I needed to remain focused yet I found myself fiercely craving the fruits of my labor. My mind melted into a plush cloud so dreamy and soft that it tore apart like cotton candy at mere thoughts of the future and it's upcoming treasures. What a lucky guy I was to spend time with a princess, and be born into the same solar system, let alone same state. What were the odds? The play that brought us closer was heavily marinated in destiny, was there no bigger sign?

She made eye contact with me.
I froze to my spot. Trying not to act weird and ultimately failing, a colossal grin escaped onto my lips which she returned. That was typically the extent of our communication until she brought her hand up and waved me over. My eyes bulged and my heart stumbled over a hurtle, not anywhere close to being mentally prepared.

What was going to happen in that sea of people under the sky high vaulted ceilings?
Was I inching my way to her heart yet?
Was she intrigued by me like I was by her?
My mouth turned to sand and my skin became clammy.

I was fizzy like a soda bottle caught in the midst of a tornado, excitement and curiosity pulsing shock waves through my body. My princess was waiting for me and my damn feet were cinder blocks. Thank fuck Mae couldn't give me flack again.
I was in the fourth row, scrambling as casually as my hysteria would permit before disaster struck.

A bellowing roar echoed throughout the space, and the auditorium's acoustics were remarkably successful that I thought it was the grizzly bears' choir practice. As quickly as the deafening punch came, replaced by silence that could be broken with a speck of dust touching down on the ground. Everyone present broke bones to stare in horror in the direction the boom came from, and lying cheek to cheek with the concrete floor, where that was. My pant leg was caught under a loose theater chair foot and my hands were laid out above my head, palms down against the cold temperature of the floor while scorching from overbearing humiliation. My vision bolted from corner to corner, losing my sense of direction with Adeline until I found her. Her face was stricken with shock, and then she winced.

"Are you alright, Thomas?" The drama teacher yelled from back stage.

I choked my eyes shut and rolled over wishing I could melt into the floor and never be heard or seen from again.
What was Adeline thinking?
No doubt at the conclusion I was a higher level of dork than she originally speculated and convinced herself never to associate with me again. In the span of a few seconds, I had announced to every patron of the theater that I was the over enthusiastic loser with a crush more powerful than my legs could keep up with. Bruised on the concrete was also my ego, and damn, there went my life. It was over. I had soiled any particle of opportunity. All I had to look forward to from then on was more of the same: ducking behind corners and unsuspecting groups of students just to snap a sighting of her. While people dreamed of having superpowers, I was cursed with the superhuman ability to sabotage my own aspirations.

"Thomas?"

I was a finger away from flashing her my middle, but I gave a thumbs up instead.

I grazed my eyebrow when I brought my hand back down and cringed. The entire right side of my face was tender and going to swell later. Acknowledging that I appeared increasingly pathetic with every second spent on the floor, I rose from near death reluctantly. I saw half of Adeline with my good eye and she sent me a small smile. Maybe she wasn't embarrassed by me after all.

The remainder of rehearsal was spent playing hop skip on clouds perched above Niagara Falls with growing injuries. I should have been responsible with my power as the musical's photographer, but Adeline's top spot on my list was heavy like cement and I was too feeble to lift it on my own. I filled more film rolls with my charming Nidria. She clung around her friend most of the time, making small talk with her fellow cast. Through the accuracy of my Kodak's view finder, I observed her fingers curling closely to her hips, burrowing their way beneath her weight, and her other hand tugging at the ends of her long flowing hair bashfully.

A curt idea budded on the tree of my mind, then grew into a tree all its own: Was Adeline as shy as I was?

I had to bare with myself at the seemingly absurd question. I was surprised it took me until then to detect. She retained a humble group of friends and that was all. She did not attempt to converse with many others, and even then, her gestures and coy smiles were the bulk of her exchanges. She kept entirely to herself without a confidant at her side, and I imagined that she was not one to raise her hand in class. Mostly, she seemed in her own world, a day dreamer who sought for adventure far beyond the campus walls. If only I could have accompanied her on such a marvelous journey. I had spied her for over a year, and yet, new theories about her personality kept popping up like daisies.

Did she have a basket full of missed chances and words unspoken that she dissected and sighed dispiritedly at?
Did she suffer from anxiety just like me?
What if maybe, just maybe, she wanted to talk to me too?

I knew if that were the case, we'd be standing from end to end of a monstrous stalemate. First moves were not scribbled in my DNA; I was a patient waiter to my core.
How long could I hold out with her? I was only patient to the point of the sign switching from 'closed' to 'OPEN' at the photo shop. I needed to know badly: did she feel the same way to begin with? It was eating up my insides.

In order to disguise my camera's magnetism with Adeline, I did a bit of my own acting by continuously moving around the lower level of the audience, even going as far to climb up the stairs to the last row of seats for an aerial view and more privacy. I watched her through the peep hole of my Kodak. She was perfection impossibly suited into a life form; I was the unworthy peasant fortunate to view her. Every inch was untouchable and unearthly, as though any second she could vanish and return to the heavens where the rest of the goddesses were waiting.

"How can she be so gorgeous," I muttered quietly.

She had her legs crossed, eyes wide with amusement towards Kara, and her hands gently placed in her lap. I could stare at her forever.

Before I knew it, rehearsal was over. I left the balcony and reached the front row at the end of Mrs. Williams' closing speech, rehashing the same philosophies and advice she always kept close. Adeline was barely listening, her expression one of fatigue and disinterest.

Mrs. Williams did not seem to notice, or frankly, care about her student's lack of excitement as practice was winding down, and raised the script she held in her bony fingers high above her head and called out in a bluster, "remember, ladies and gentlemen, we only have two weeks before opening night. Push farther for perfection. We can do it, continue practicing and sear your lines into your memory. You can go now."

The students rose at once with their personal belongings and dashed to the side doors. They couldn't escape fast enough. The rehearsals were the pinnacle of my days and openly one of the last to leave. Once I made it to the front porch, the sun ambushing me with a million knives, I retrieved my phone from my back pocket and messaged Oli, letting him know that I was ready to go. Always true to being false, he said he was on his way. I estimated a 30-minute waiting period, and searched for a suitable spot on one of the hard, stone benches.

"Hey there, tough guy."

She spoke, that voice of hers like light rain on the road, bringing up the oil, my tires sliding into the path of a collision.

I was too absorbed in a thick fog of thinking not to notice she had approached me. My eyes were watermelons as she bent down, tucked her dress underneath her, and sat. I blinked, purely puzzled and at the conclusion that the heat was producing hallucinations. My mind wasn't racing, and there were no butterflies fluttering in my intestines. My body felt frozen in the burning weather and suspended in mid air, magical. Peering into her eyes up close intimidated me. I was certain she could make out every last thought and fantasy I had weaved, however, my paranoia was frightened away by her Patronus. She was the image to always fend off my demons.

I was a statue without a response, so she continued, "how did the pictures turn out?"

I tried to play it cool, like that moment was not the highlight of my week, but my lips were flapping barn doors in the wind. I rummaged through my bag as sweat dripped down from my scalp to my forehead. My hands were earthquakes and my brain was ground zero. I pulled out the manila folder and replied, "h-h-here you...here."

She raised an eyebrow with question and intrigue, gently lifting the flap of the folder open. The silence was nerve-wracking as her eyes scanned each print inch by inch, her face filled with focus. I postured myself on the bench with my hands behind me facing flat on the stone.
Stop acting like such a goofy twat.

"Tom, these are fantastic," she said under her breath, stunned.

My cheeks were burning buildings and my perspiration was doing nothing to cool them down. "Th-Thanks."

"I love the butterfly one on my arm, the lighting's great."

I was Buddha, sitting there in all my chubby delight with a chummy smile depicted on my face. My apprehension was still rampant, but at least I was remembering to breathe again. "You can...uh...keep those. I h-ave more f-for the, the um, school p-paper."

Nice save, stutters.

"Really? I can?"
She ignored my broken English to my luck. I was about to beat my head into a wall for sounding moronic.

"Sure." Congratulations on your first response you didn't fuck up.

She grinned from ear to ear and placed the photos into her bag. Somehow, some way, that smile was from me. Everyone around us were ghosts: It was probable they were present but I was not sure. I could not hear or see them, too seeped into Adeline's world. The colors from the trees and houses integrated with my excitement. Beauty was caving in on me from every direction.

"So Tom," she trailed off, immediately reaching a dead end. Fuck.

"Is there anything you do outside of photography?"

I shrugged my shoulders, "not really, just stay home with my brother and his girlfriend sometimes."

My response was pathetic, revealing the loner I honestly was. How simple it would have been to lie by saying I sky-dived and explored the Amazon in my free time. I had been ambiguous about my comfort zone around her, what was the difference? Remaining deceitful would have certainly worked to showcase myself as an adventurous, outgoing Casanova, but I wasn't that guy. I was the weirdo with a camera and a photo shop, not Indiana Jones.
Her face said it all: confusion.
Had I just lost her?

"What about Mae? Haven't you two been hanging out?"

Ah right, Mae.
Her best friend playing Cupid.
Did she really have no clue?

Mae was either the ultimate gatekeeper of secrets or Adeline was completely absentminded. Not wanting to tip her off, I cocked my head to the side as subtly as the shakes would allow. Wasn't that how calm people acted? I'd been hanging out with drama kids a little too often.

"Eh, she's cool."

"Just cool?" She replied with a chuckle.

I laughed with her, but it came out as a low shriek. Shielding my eyes before I was struck blind, I used the sun as my excuse for my nervousness.

"You alright," she asked with concern.

I coughed and wiped the sweat from my face, taking the only opportunity I had to be cheeky. "She's a bit nutty, huh?"

Her face went blank, then she cackled bluntly, her head rolling back as her hair cascaded further down her back. What an odd, fascinating beauty.

I was going to clarify, perhaps sink us deeper into discussion. Surely we could transcend onto topics more thought-provoking than our mutual friend, and I was just beginning to feel comfortable enough to take a risk like that on. But when my mouth opened, a ringtone played out instead of my voice. She stared down into her bag, a tiny hiccup escaping her lips. Once the cell phone was in her grasp, she rose from the bench and mouthed "one second" before taking the call. Was Mae on the other end since we spoke of the devil, manipulating Adeline with persuasive advice to help with my chances like an angel? Or was the caller the elusive, cursed photo shop guy who had rose to the ranks of infamy? He hung around like a pungent smell, a mosquito flying around who would bite when I was distracted. Jealousy had gripped me and I was territorial. He had already infiltrated my photo shop but I would not allow him to take away everything. I had gotten too far. He was at an advantage, but underdogs win too.

I twiddled my thumbs in my lap, glancing around the foyer like a childish, lost fool. I could not stare only because I was afraid she would notice how much she meant to me. I observed beyond the baseball field in front of the school to the stoplight nearby. Shockingly, I spotted Oli's car. The rare times he stuck to his word were always the worst. He would pull up within a minute, and there would go another chance to connect with Adeline. I needed him to be undependable just one last time.

Behind me, the grass was crunching as Adeline returned to the bench. She stood to my side with an indecisive expression on her face. "Say Tom?"

I stared at her with heightened wonder.
She bit her lip.

"Can I ask you for a big favor?"

My attention honed in on the request hanging on her lips. Anything for her, anything.

"Could you maybe give me a ride home? My ride sorta bailed on me."

The light turned green and my brother barreled closer to us.

I nodded a little too enthusiastically and blurted, "sure, lemme just ask my brother. He's pulling up."

I was elated, overcome with a craving I could not satisfy.
I was giving Adeline a ride home.
She trusted me enough to willingly get into a car with me.
Whoever the chump was who flaked on her was missing out immensely.

But all my terrifying "what if"s recurred at the same speed as Oli cruising down the pick up lane erratically, windows rolled all the way down while blasting Underoath at a deafening volume. He had probably shattered the glass instead. My eyes bulged in horror and Adeline cowered while covering her ears, protecting them from aging fifty years. And then there he was, my unconcerned and rarely punctual brother, grinning like a tool in the aviator shades he bought in the 7th grade, mouthing the words to the song like he fronted a shitty cover band. An unforgettable sight. I didn't want to admit that we shared blood by approaching the car, but the embarrassment had to be shot down like a sick animal. I walked over with uncertainty and leaned into the passenger side window, my ears busted. He wore his pajama pants. With every observation I was becoming decreasingly excited to take Adeline home.

He was chewing gum obnoxiously and hollered over the loud blares, "what's up, lil' bro?"

I grimaced while waving my hand forcefully and spat, "turn that shit down."

"What happened to your face? Did you finally get into your first fight or what?"

Everyone within a 5-mile radius could hear him, and I hissed through gritted teeth, "shut the hell up."

I peered back at Adeline standing shyly with her hands behind her back. Oli laughed carelessly, but stretched his tattooed fingers out to fondle the knob and turn off the ruckus he called music. Once silence returned throughout the foyer, he scrunched his face as though I had a problem. He leaned forward to glimpse past me, and when catching sight of Adeline, realization flooded his face.

"Ooh...the peacock is here."

I glanced back at her in bewilderment, then spun back around to my dimwit brother.

"What? What does- never mind. Can you give her a ride home?"

My question was the electrical outlet connected to a string of lights, illuminating his face like a Christmas tree, smiling as the Grinch.

My eyes dilated in despair.
"Be. Normal. Don't say anything humiliating."

He responded with tight lips. I knew it was too late. Oli couldn't keep cool if he was a goddamn walk-in refrigerator. He brought his hand up and waved her over, my stomach dropping with every step closer she took. She came to a halt within inches of my body. I was going to have a stroke.

Holding out a perfectly manicured hand, she said, "Adeline."

Oli smirked like a creep. He needed to cut that shit out.
"Oli, nice to meet you."

She smiled softly and retreated to the door towards the back seat when Oli snapped at me, "you better be opening the door for her, brother. Ladies claim shotgun."

My body was struck stiff, fear paralyzing my limbs. I was backed into a corner. She chuckled and I had to construct a sort of grimace and pop the door open. She got in. I started mentally begging as I crawled into the back seat.

Oli flew from the parking lot like a bat out of hell; I had hardly buckled myself in. My bones sank lower into the leather seat, further detaching me from my situation. She sat comfortably while Oli had one hand on the steering wheel, the other casually in his lap.

"Where are we going, girl?"

She explained how to get to her house, and I was elated to know I would see the field again, a day only her and I could reminisce on together. That had me slightly relaxed again.

"How's that play going anyway? Tom told me he's been having a ball shooting it."

My eyes were warning growls, drawing lines in the sand. Too bad that was Oli's favorite game. He faked he could not see me in the rear view mirror.
What a cock.

Adeline was peering down at her hair, examining the ends with ease.
"It's going well, just have Godzilla as a drama teacher."

Oli snickered as he swiped on the turn signal. I was the little kid in the back seat with no say in the conversation. "High school is one hell of a monster, aye bro?"

I scowled in distress and stared out my window, my perception of the car ride fading. He was ruining everything again. I CLICKED the lock on and off, making every effort for my presence to be known.

"What do you do for fun?"

CLICK
He barely noticed, just a peek at his door.

God, he can't stop.
I wished my eye sight were laser beams that could ricochet and strike him dead. She crossed her arms, feeling slight discomfort in lieu of the interrogation.

"I like taking pictures, just like Tom does, actually."

"You two sure have a lot in common, huh?"

CLICK CLICK
Adeline's attention was on her car lock. If only I knew Morse code and she could understand.

He was as subtle as a fucking sunrise. She shrugged innocently, and I was hanging onto a desperate plea that she assumed Oli was engaging in routine chit chat. He turned into her neighborhood and slowed down. That concerned me. Was he going to take the rare opportunity to do something drastic, believing he was helping but ultimately demolishing my chances?
I CLICKED the lock one more time for good luck.

"What are you up to this weekend?"

My neck snapped back from the window and straight to the mirror, staring incredulously and almost falling out of my seat.

CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK
Adeline was taken aback.

Oli shook his head in denial, "No no, not what I meant at all... I mean hang out in a group. You seem pretty cool and Tom's been talking about it- can we help you with something?"

Oli slammed on the breaks and shot his head back, openly glaring at me with his lips tight together. My eye sight narrowed, and I answered coolly, "sorry, my arm was on the button."

He was gonna get it once Adeline was out of the car.

She cleared her throat uncomfortably before asking, "you have?"
She squeezed around in her seat to make eye contact with me.

"I brought it up once," I mumbled with uncertainty.

She turned back as we pulled up to her house, her father's car in the driveway. I wondered if he was watching through the living room window while brandishing an ax, waiting for a signal from his daughter.

"Great, I'll see if Mae wants to come too!"

Oli's face dropped and I held back a snort of laughter. He crudely disguised it and responded through clenched teeth, "Yeah, brilliant idea."

She opened the passenger door. "Nice to meet you, and thanks a million for the ride."

He replied, "sure thing."

She rose from the car and I got out to take her place. Before I could harness my anger, Adeline wrapped her arms around me in a loose hug. Roots grew through my shoes and remained planted to the ground, warmth drowning me in a peaceful submersion. I put my hands on her back and gave a small pat, not knowing what else I was supposed to do.

"I'll see you later Tom, thanks for the amazing pictures."

"No problem," I muttered hoarsely.

The embrace ended much too quickly and she strolled to the house, turning for a final wave. I floated into the passenger's seat, still feeling her warmth around me. Oli smirked and pulled out, leaving the neighborhood. Once my euphoria came down, I slapped his upper arm. He withdrew it towards his body in shock.

"What the hell man?"

"Jesus Christ Oli, what the fuck was that?"

He was appalled.
"Helping you out! And real clever with the clicker, like you're a mute or some shit."

"Were you trying to get a confession out of her or what?"

He rolled his eyes, gripping the wheel tighter in his hand. "Oh lighten up, you make everything so apocalyptic. Just a date. Be happy you have your first square filled out on your calendar."

All I could do was keep my mouth open, waiting a lot longer than I usually did for a comeback to arrive, but I could see it. What I had been waiting for. He was getting frustrated with me. I wasn't sure I wanted to know what his next words would be.

"It's not a date."

"It's farther than you would've gotten, yeah?"

I swallowed my hurt down.

How he has the nuts to be creepily bold, I had no fucking idea. What if he scared her off? What if he ruined all the progress I made?
I had to make my moves carefully.

I couldn't go all in right away, but he could not understand that. That was something normal, fully-functional human beings did, not shy turtles like me. I held my head in my hands, running my fingers through my hair in an effort to stimulate my brain and figure out how I could court someone like her. I was an infant in the dating category.
What if she never spoke to me again?
I couldn't cope with that.

No one could sympathize since they had it so easy.
I felt like I was going to throw up.

"Don't you get it," I asked in building resentment. "This isn't going to work, it's never going to work. I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, and I could do something about it, but at the same time, I can't."

Oli pulled over in an empty lot and gave me that pathetic look like he felt sorry for me. That was worse. "But why? Why can't you just do it?"

I gave a short, hopeless laugh.
"Really? It's not that easy, you make it seem so simple."

He shrugged his shoulders and leaned back in his seat, starting slowly, "Well I don't mean to say it but, it really is. You're thinking to far into it man. I'm sure she likes you."

"Don't do that Oli."

Sighing in exasperation, he stared down the dashboard in silence. We were both there in that moment, turning over the words and sadly painting the picture that was too far from a masterpiece. The answer was clear.

"One day, you'll meet someone just as scared as you, wondering if you like them, wondering what to say to you. Then it'll all make sense."

He didn't give me a chance to react before he clutched the gear and put it into drive. "But before that happens, a little trying never hurts."