Bulletproof

Fucking ow.

As I gained consciousness, all I could feel was a deep throbbing pain all over. It felt like I’d been hit by a dump truck. I couldn’t function enough to get my eyes to open and instead let out a groan, piercing the silence that enveloped the room. What happened? Where the fuck was I?

Eventually, I managed to crack an eye open, only to be immediately blinded by light. Another groggy groan left my lips as I squeezed my eyelids shut. Why was it so fucking bright? A lamp? Fluorescent lights? Wracking my brain, I tried to remember something, anything but it was all a blur.

I could feel something shift next to me. What was that? My brain tried to understand what was happening as I slowly tried to open my eyes again, aware now of the light around me.

I allowed my sight to adjust, moments at a time until I could see a clear picture in front of me. It wasn’t a lamp or light like I had thought, but the sun streaming through a skinny sliver of open blinds. Ugh fuck those fucking blinds again. I’d seen this view before though… It clicked a moment later, I was in Ville’s bedroom. How did I get here? The last thing I remember was playing some Finnish drinking game with some of Ville’s friends, Bam, and Missy.

Furrowing my brow, I turned around slowly to see Ville who lay next to me, the duvet pushed down to expose his naked chest. He was awake and uncharacteristically on his back, his hands behind his head, eyes troubled and locked on the ceiling and as far away from me as he could get.

“What the fuck happened last night?” I croaked, my voice sounding like a strangers’. My tongue felt like sandpaper in my mouth and my stomach was doing flips.

“I’m so sorry Wynter,” he slammed his eyes closed and covered them with his palms. I could see him trembling. Was he crying?

“What are you talking about?” I answered, cocking my head and trying to move his hands to no avail.

“Ville what are you talking about?” I demanded, releasing his hands and sitting up quickly. Instantly I regretted it and was overcome with nausea. I had to catch myself, trying not to fall over or worse, vomit all over my boyfriend. My fucking head felt like it weighed a hundred pounds.

“This Wynter!” He snapped abruptly, looking at me with red-rimmed eyes and motioning over my body. I retracted a bit at his statement, his tone ripping through me emotionally. What was he referring to? I looked down at myself in confusion. It just dawned on me as the comforter fell slightly with my movement that I realized I was naked. My mouth fell in a silent ‘O’.

“D-did we…?” I trailed off, looking up at him for confirmation. My brain was still muddled and couldn’t seem to wrap itself around the situation.

“Yes,” he murmured, a disgusted tone evident in his voice as he turned away from me completely. Was it because of me?

“Oh…” I lay there awkwardly staring at his back, unsure what to say. That would explain the red-hot pain between my legs. Was he angry with me? What the fuck happened last night and why couldn’t I remember it? How drunk was I?

“What-what happened?” I asked, unsure how to go about the situation. “I don’t remember anything… Is that why everything hurts?” I felt lost and afraid, my heartbeat elevating and tears springing into my vision as the seconds passed. Literally every aspect of my body was in pain, now that I thought about it. I felt like I’d run a marathon. Was this normal after sex?

“What hurts?” He was on me in a flash, his hands wrapped around my upper arms softly.

“Everything,” my voice cracked as the tears began to fall. I was doing my best to keep my emotions under control and was fighting a losing battle. “I don’t understand what happened…”

“My sweet I’m so fucking sorry, I’m so sorry,” he apologized over and over, taking me in his arms and cradling me against his bare chest in a soothing fashion.

“Ville, please tell me what happened, I don’t… I don’t even know how I got here,” I managed through hiccups.

“Darling it’s all my fault. I should’ve kept a better eye on you but I ended up getting pretty wasted myself thanks to fucking Bam handing me shots like it was his job… one moment we were at the club, then we were here and you… you were inebriated too and I couldn’t keep you off me. One thing led to another… Wynter I am so fucking sorry. I would never purposely take advantage of you,” he explained, hugging me even closer.

I couldn’t believe it… I didn’t know what to think. I had wanted to take our relationship to the next level. Hell, I had practically been begging for it the last few days, but this definitely wasn’t how I had expected it to go. This was a lot to process. I would feel so much better if I could just remember… I hated to feel like I wasn’t in control over the situation.

“Please talk to me love,” Ville begged, placing a kiss on top of my head.

“I don’t really know what to say honestly, but Jesus I feel like I got hit by a truck,” I commented, catching my breath and trying to stretch my aching everything, choosing to focus on the pain all over my body instead of the overwhelming situation at hand. Being in his arms was surprisingly helpful though despite everything. To feel loved and protected in such a scary situation was a godsend.

“I’ll take care of it minun kulta, just relax,” he detached himself slowly and I looked away with a blush as the covers fell from his very nude body. He grabbed his discarded jeans from the floor and slipped them on without looking back at me and gave me a sympathetic glance before slipping out of the room.

I sat there, holding the covers up to my sternum suddenly feeling venerable. I quivered and had to swallow the new lump forming in my throat and did my best to ignore the feeling of unwarranted abandonment as I heard the tub run. I looked around slowly, doing my best not to aggravate my hangover and noticed both of our clothes strewn haphazardly across the room. It looked like a tornado had blown through.

Or were we just that eager? I pondered to myself with a deep blush.

One of my heels sat halfway tangled in the blankets at the edge of the bed closest to me. The entire scene would’ve been comical if I could ignore the severity of the fact I’d just accidentally given my virginity to Ville Valo in a night of intoxicated prenuptial bliss.

“Sweetheart? I um, ran a bath for you,” Ville interrupted my thoughts, poking his head into the room shyly.

“Oh, erm, okay,” I replied with a small smile. I noticed his discarded button-down was nearest to me and grabbed it, slipping it over my naked form and buttoning it carefully, happy to be clothed. I slipped out of the bed finally, taking care not to move too quickly as my stomach did gymnastics in my abdomen. The maroon dress shirt came down to my thighs, effectively covering everything I’d wanted it to. Although not that it mattered at this point, I reminded myself. I still wasn’t sure how to feel about that.

I glanced up and saw him watching me through worried eyes and I met his stare. I could see lavender bags under his eyes. How long had he been up?

“What are you thinking about?” I blurted out without thinking as I stood there, trying to make myself not look as small and venerable as I felt. The tension was so heavy in the air I feared I was going to choke on it.

“I think we both know the answer to that question,” he answered with a sad smile. I wasn’t satisfied with that answer though. I needed clarification.

“Please communicate with me babe, I’m feeling a lot of shit right now and I’d appreciate it if you would help me through this,” I answered, tears threatening to fall once again as I choked them back successfully.

He was on me once again, long arms around me, holding me to him in a protective stance.
“I’m beyond upset with myself, I’m terrified you’ll hate me for what I’ve done, I’m distraught that I let my guard down so much and you’re the one who has to pay the price for it,” he started. I could feel him trembling again.

“I don’t hate you,” I interrupted, wiggling out of his grasp enough to look up at him.

“You should.”

“I’ve got a lot going on right now but hating you isn’t one of those things Ville. It happened. It wasn’t necessarily how I’d planned but it occurred. I can’t hate you for that, nor do I want to. I’m just… confused, I guess? The hangover and pain aren’t helping,” I explained, looking up at him in hopes he would understand. I didn’t blame him for what transpired, and I don’t think I regretted it. I was kind of bummed I wasn’t actually “there” for what transpired though…

“Come with me,” he instructed, releasing all of me but one hand. Slowly he dragged me to the bathroom, not making eye contact the entire time.

“Here’s a glass of water and aspirin. That should help your head. I’ll leave you to soak and that should help erm, the rest,” Ville handed me a glass and two pills off the bathroom counter as we entered. The room was already filling with warm steam that swirled around us in long dancing tendrils, the tub filled nearly to the brim with bubbles. It looked so lovely and inviting I had to stop myself from crying again, quickly taking the medication from Ville and downing them with the water to help fight back the tears.

He opened the door to step out as I unfastened the top button. Immediately that familiar panic began to set in and before I could stop myself or think rationally, I was turned towards him.

“Please don’t go…” I managed to squeak. It sounded pitiful, like a desperate child.

“Darling,” he started.

“I just, I really don’t want to be alone right now,” I explained, distressed at the thought of him being out of my sight again. Even if it meant him being in here with me, I wanted him close. Throughout this entire war in my head, he had been my only peace.

“Okay, okay sweetheart I’m here,” he reassured, holding his hands up innocently and closing the door behind him.

“Thank you,” I answered appreciatively and slipped into his embrace again, standing on my tippy toes to wrap my own arms around his neck.

“Anytime love,” he comforted, rubbing his cheek on my forehead. His facial hair was starting to grow in, and I couldn’t help but appreciate how attractive five o’ clock shadow looked on him. “So the bath…”

“Oh yeah, erm, can you just turn around?” I suggested, glancing up into his eyes.

“Sure thing,” he covered his eyes with his hands and turning away. I couldn’t ignore the idea that he was purposely being short with me.

I made quick work of the shirt, letting it fall off my shoulders before turning to my right and slipping into the steaming water and piles of frothy white bubbles with a moan.

“Are you covered?” he managed, I could hear the blush in his voice. To see him anything but tall dark and handsome was interesting to say the least. It was difficult to make him uncomfortable. He had told me he had anxiety and was quite the introvert despite his musical carrier and what he let on for the media but it was seeing small moments like this that truly reminded me he was not just Ville Valo, singer of HIM and international sex symbol but also he was a mortal man with feelings and flaws like everyone else.

“Yeah you’re good,” I pipped, already relaxed in the lavender and mint scented water as it around me. I could feel the soreness ebbing away and wanted to cry again out of relief. Even my stomach was settling.

“Is that helping?” he inquired as he sat on the toilet next to me, pulling his cigarettes out of a pocket and lighting one while he stared me down.

“Oh God yes, this is amazing. Is this some old Finnish herb mixture or something?” I asked, looking up at him a moment and smiling before leaning my head back and closing my eyes as the hot water soaked me to the core.

“No just some essential oils I keep around. My mum used to do this for me when I would asthma attacks in the middle of the night as a kid,” he chortled, stopping to lean over and ash his cigarette in the sink on his left.

“Remind me to thank your mother if I ever meet her,” I purred happily, sinking further into the bubbles that were now up to my chin.

“Dually noted,” he replied, leaning back and stretching out his long legs. Another short reply. My heart throbbed painfully. He had said he didn’t want me to hate him, but did he hate me? Did I fuck up?

“Babe you’re being short with me. Tell me what’s going on,” I demanded, unable to deny it any further. I moved so I was facing him, but the bubbles still covered me.

“I already told you,” he answered disinterested, looking away.

“Ville cut the bullshit,” I demanded while sitting up slightly and placing both hands on the edge of the tub, ignoring the dull ache in my head.

“How’s your head?” he tried to redirect the conversation, glancing back at me.

“It fucking hurts. It also hurts that you aren’t talking to me,” I could see the effect of my words on his face as he let out a long sigh. I wasn’t trying to be an asshole, but it was like pulling teeth to talk to him about this.

“I just want to protect you love. I wanted your first time to be as special as you are. I’m not a perfect man by any means but I thought I was better than this. I don’t want to hurt you and I hadn’t meant to and now look at you; you’ve cried twice, you don’t even remember it, AND the evidence of my inadvertence is all over your skin for the world to see,” he motioning with one hand over my bubble-covered form.

“Wha-“ I started and looked down. Up until this point I hadn’t noticed but sure enough, I had a slew of blue-purple bruises in various places. I even had them down my legs and thighs I noticed when I pulled one soapy leg out of the water to inspect it. “Are these hickeys?!”

“erm, some of them yes. You also fell down a lot last night,” he mentioned, rubbing his free hand on the back of his neck and finishing his cigarette.

“What the fuck man, are you serious? How fucking drunk was I? And why the fuck did you give me hickeys?” I groaned. Jesus fucking Christ I must’ve made a fool of myself.

“You were pretty smashed love… You are not very good at drinking games. I didn’t want to but um, you were… very demanding about what you wanted last night,” he gave me a small sympathetic smile.

“I am so fucking sorry Ville,” I blinked back tears. I was beginning to be thankful I didn’t remember anything.

“Must we continue to reiterate this?” You have nothing to be sorry for Wynter, you’ve done nothing wrong. I should’ve been in control and I wasn’t. I failed you,” he corrected, reaching over and placing one of his larger hands over mine.

“Tell me about last night. I need to know,” I said aloud, closing my eyes not wanting to see his face.

“You sure?” he asked, his tone troubled.

“Yeah.”

“Um, well. You got drunk and started falling over so I took you home. One thing led to another and erm, we ended up in the bedroom. You were quite the little seductress,” he smiled before continuing, “uh you did keep asking me to be rough with you though and um, you asked me to bite your neck a few times. You were surprisingly very vocal.”

He stopped, blushing almost as deep as I was. I turned away, unable to look at him as the mental pictures flew through my mind.

“Jesus…” I muttered, “can I ask you something?”

“Anything love.”

“Was it like, good for you?” I managed through shaky breaths, meeting his sage green eyes again.

“What? The sex?” he watched me with a shocked look, obviously not expecting the question.
“Yeah.”

“Oh… I mean, yes of course but I would’ve preferred it be under different circumstances,” he admitted, leaning back and running a hand through his messy hair.

“So, what happens now?” I asked. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer. He seemed so distant and I was terrified of what the future held now.

“Um, well you’ve missed your flight. I thought we could finish up here and-“

“Oh shit!” I hissed, smacking my hand on my forehead. We were supposed to leave today!

“I’ve already tried to get ahold of Bam, I’m assuming he’s still asleep,” he informed, calming my anxiety.

“Oh well great, we can blame him then,” I grinned lightheartedly. As embarrassed as I was, it felt good that I at least knew what happened and knew he wasn’t angry with me. He was glancing down at me with a look I couldn’t place though.

“What’s that face about?” I smirked.

“Are you okay?” he asked inquisitively, cocking his head to the side.

“What do you mean?” I asked in return.

“We made love Wynter. That’s a very big deal. How are you feeling about that?” he said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“I don’t really know. I guess I wish I could’ve remembered it and that’s my biggest problem. I hadn’t really pictured it being like this and I wish I could’ve enjoyed it too, or at least actually experienced it,” I answered honestly, glancing down at the cream-colored tile.

“Darling…” he began, sounding broken as he brought himself down and kneeling in front of me.

“It’s okay, can… can we do it again? I feel like I need a redo to prove myself,” I asked bravely, trying to keep from holding my breath.

“Oh… oh love um,” he stumbled through his words, looking down and away before meeting my gaze again.

“What?” I questioned.

“It’s just, I hadn’t expected that as a response. You never cease to amaze me with the way your mind works,” he let out a chuckle, resting his chin on the edge of the tub and placing one of his hands on my cheek. He was so close I could see the flecks of gold and emerald suspended in his liquid jade eyes.

“So is that a yes?” I inquired, cocking my head and leaning into his touch.

“I think we should discuss the matter over breakfast hm?” he implied, coming forward and placing his lips on my forehead before standing. I looked up to him with a long frown, unhappy with his answer but I couldn’t deny the sudden growl my stomach released at the mention of food.

“I’ll go fetch you some clothes,” he announced with a sideways smile.

“Okay,” I breathed, watching him as he slipped out of the room. He had assured me everything was fine but why did I have this bad feeling deep down that it wasn’t?