Bulletproof

Cowardly didn’t begin to cover it.

I sat at the bar perched precariously on the stool, downing my seventh shot of straight vodka. The bartender indifferently slid me another when I waved my hand to get his attention. I’d given him the strict instructions to keep the booze flowing.

I nonchalantly glanced at the clock mounted on the wall to see the numbers 9:15 flashing at me in fluorescent red letters. She’d be long gone by now on her way back to America, but I had time to kill before my cab arrived. I had to get out of Helsinki, away from the sweet, beautiful, innocent girl who just hours ago was asleep in my bed. She’d no doubt awoken and found the note I’d written and rewritten a hundred times, failing to find the words to explain my actions.

I had chuckled darkly at myself, it only seemed fitting I’d lost my knack for words the first and the last time I’d spoken to her. It was almost poetic, I thought to myself, knocking back the sharp liquid, barely feeling the sting anymore as the familiar fuzzy feeling of inebriation slowly crept over my entire being.

I wasn’t strong enough to do it in person. She would look at me with those big baby blues and I’d be unable to resist just like every other time. She had me wrapped around her little finger, turning me into a man I no longer recognized and honestly, it terrified me. I’d spoken and dreamed of such a bond, sang countless lyrics about finding such a connection with another person and when I finally had it waiting and willing in my arms, I had quite literally run for the hills. What the fuck was I thinking? I should have gone back there, torn up the letter and quite literally crawled back to her, wrapped my arms around my sweet Wynter and never leave her side again, she’d be none the
wiser.

No.

It was too late now, and she deserved someone who could be the protector she needed. I had to stop being so damn selfish and allow my delicate blossom to bloom. I had no choice. My thoughts went back and forth over the last days we’d spent together. The guilt of what I’d done outweighed anything else. Just a few nights ago, I’d promised her the world and now I was running away. I’d failed her just like everyone else in her life had and I knew it.

I had to remind myself that I was running away BECAUSE I wanted to give her the world. I was a sucker and then some for Wynter Margera in a way I’d never been with any woman and I knew I could never amount to the man she needed and deserved.

I needed to get away. Get those steel blue, soul-piercing eyes out of my head, remove the scent of her hair and her soft caress where it had touched my very being. Even now, I could feel her gentle fingers ghost through my hair, ending at the base of my neck to pull our lips closer than I thought humanly possible.

I had to swallow the lump in my throat and shake my head to clear my thoughts. I wasn’t sure where I was going but I needed to be alone, to assure that innocent girl I would never hurt her or anyone else again.

I’d gotten a text from Bam once they left, letting me know he’d stopped Missy from throwing a paver through my front window and saying he’d like an explanation when I was ready to talk.
I wasn’t sure I’d ever be ready to talk. Not about this, not about her.

I stood on shaky legs and paid my tab, thanking the man before heading out into the stormy grey morning with a cigarette already held between my lips. The wind was especially fierce today, cutting through the layers of my clothes like a silver knife.

Looking up into the wintery turmoil that was the sky, I watched as a single snowflake drifted lazily towards me. Reaching out my bare hand instinctively to catch it, I caught it in my palm and brought it up to my face delicately as to not damage it.

The edges stuck out like a dozen sharp daggers, edges meeting in a beautiful and unique symmetry that only nature herself could create.

My heart throbbed heavily in my chest as it melted quickly, dissolving into the smallest of pools as my cab arrived. Frowning deeply, I stomped my cigarette into the concrete and entered the car, moving over to make room out of habit before stopping with a realization. There would be no second passenger this time or ever again.

It took everything in me not to break down as I gave the cab driver my address, sinking into the vinyl and wrapping my coat around myself in a self-soothing motion.

I barely noticed the drive, thanked the man in Finnish and exited without another word once we’d stopped.

I stood in front of my house, unable to move.

My mind flashed back to our first night here together. I’d made a comment about her admiring the architecture. I shook the thought from my head again. I couldn’t think about that.

Hesitantly, I unlocked the door as if half expecting her to still be there. I was met with dead silence; a sound I’d forgotten about in the days we’d spent together. My home seemed strangely unwelcoming now as I closed the door behind me with a long sigh. I drifted into the kitchen to find the letter I’d written strewn on the floor, the envelope still sitting on the counter where I’d left it. I could feel my heart breaking all over again, reliving the scene of her coming across the note.

I went to straighten the stool that sat haphazardly, only to feel it catch on something. I looked down confused to see my shirt from the previous night crumpled around the legs.

Had she worn my shirt down here?

A piece of my shattered heart crashed to the floor. I reached down and picked it up, afraid to touch it as if I were going to break it. I held it to my face, smelling my own cologne with a tinge of the smell of her shampoo. She’d no doubt, thrown the article of clothing away from her once the realization had hit.

Sighing deeply and holding the shirt to my chest so as not to hurt it, I continued through the house, stopping once I got to the downstairs closet to grab a duffel bag. I knew exactly where I needed to go now and what I needed to do.

Slowly making my way upstairs, I opened my bedroom door to find it the exact same way I left it, minus the most important aspect. I tried to ignore the tears threatening to spill as I set the empty duffel bag on the unmade bed and turned towards the closet.

Something to the left caught my eye. Curiously, I cocked my head as I noticed a matte black gift bag sitting squarely in the middle of the dresser. I instantly recognized it as the bag she’d brought with her to the party. She’d gotten me something for my birthday and we never made it to opening it.

Crossing the room cautiously, I set the tee shirt down beside it and grabbed it by the handle, reaching inside without peaking in to pull out a white envelope with my initials on it.
I opened it, pulling out a maroon card with black trim. Inside was a simple note in her messy scripture.

“Happy birthday V!
In case I haven’t gotten the balls to tell you already tonight, I love you.
-Wyn”

My body stopped in its’ tracks.

Reaching a shaky hand into the bag I pulled out something rectangular that was wrapped up. Gently pulling the paper away, it revealed an intricate but heavy black and silver photo frame.

The photo was a picture of Wynter and I from the night we’d met her cousin and company at the restaurant after our first night together. The night I’d asked her to be my girlfriend.

The quality showed the photo had clearly been taken on someone’s cellphone, but we were staring into each other’s eyes, happily unaware of the rest of the world.

The tears flowed heavily now as I finally broke.

What have I done?