Pushing My Limits

When I woke up, the bus was parked in front of a hotel. I glanced around, and noticed my wet clothes were gone from the bathroom door and a soft glow of light leaked underneath the door. I stood up, stretched my aching bones, and sniffled at the symptoms of a cold. I slipped on a pair of socks before slowly opening the door and peering out to the front of the bunks. Uncle Brian was out, watching television on the couch, "Hey, finally awake Sleeping Beauty?" He laughed, reaching for the remote to turn down the volume.

"Yeah," I muttered and yawned.

"The guys are in the hotel. You want to head up?" He asked and I nodded. I went back to the bunks, slipped on my pair of fuzzy slippers and grabbed my bag. When I reached the front again, Brian took my duffel for me and I followed him out the bus.

We walked in through the double glass doors and into the lobby. I glanced around at the familiar hotel. It was deserted, just like it was the last time I was here. I walked by Brian, and noticing the Starbuck's was open, he drifted over there, "I'll meet you at the elevators," He nodded, walking inside to the Batista.

I walked away, and reaching a small nook near the lobby bar, I heard hushed voices arguing, both sounding like Dad and Jimmy. I walked around the bar and stood behind the wall and let myself listen to their conversation.

"What about Summer tour?" Dad asked softly.

"I don't think so, Matt," Jimmy answered, his tone sad and deep.

"Jimmy, this kind of stuff is just unreal," From the muffling of his voice, I could tell he was running his hands over his face.

"I don't know what to do. Leana is a wreck and we're trying to speed up the wedding- it's just hard," Jimmy's voice cracked.

"What about us? What about the band?" Dad seemed to be loosing it, almost as bad as my uncle.

"We can work that out later, Shadz. Right now, I need to know one thing," Jimmy had breathed in deeply, coughing as he did so. I heard him take a drink of something and he cleared his throat, though his voice was still raspy.

"What is it?"

"I'm Kathrine's godfather," He declared.

"Yeah, and?"

"Well, if something happens to you and Val... Obviously I won't be there," He took a deep inhale, "I need to know what will happen to her. I want to make sure she'll be alright. I love her like a daughter, Man. You know that, and I can't stand for anything to happen to her. She's already been through enough."

"I promise you she'll be fine," Dad assured.

"I need to know now," He replied sternly and Dad sighed.

"Probably Brian and Michelle. She's her only blood relative left besides my parents. I think she'll feel comfortable with them. But don't worry about that, Man. I'm not going anywhere. I've got a long time."

"That's what I thought, but look at me," He paused, "I have a few months left."

"I have a few months left." It rang through my ears and suddenly it had hit me. Why Jimmy had claimed that life was so short. Why he stressed for me to open up to him more. There was no denying it.

Jimmy is dying.

With that thought, I turned around and ran passed Brian leaving Starbuck's and to the middle of the lobby. Tears filling my eyes as I ripped the glass door open and running back out to the bus. I ran up the steps and through the front area and to the bunks. I slid the door shut and fell into the bottom bunk I called my own.

I brought my pillow to my face, letting out a long scream into it. My sobs shook my body, and probably the bus as well. I thrashed around in my bunk. This couldn't be happening. First Elizabeth and now Jimmy?

Of all people, Jimmy didn't deserve to die. How could someone like him die? He's so full of life and joy. Things like this don't happen to normal people, so why me? Why does God have to take Jimmy away from me.

I cried, and I heard the door softly open and footsteps reach my bunk. Someone had lowered themselves into near me, and sighed, "You heard all that, huh?" It was Jimmy's sad voice.

I didn't answer, I just held to my pillow closely as I sobbed. This wasn't fair. It wasn't right, "Come on now, don't cry," He lifted me away from my pillow and into his arms, "I'm not gone yet."

"But you'll be gone soon," I sobbed into his shirt.

"We all have to go sometime, Kat," He tried to reason.

"Not people like you," I grumbled.

"What do you mean?"

"You're the Rev! You don't die! Not even close! You live on forever!" I grabbed onto his hand and he held it tightly.

"I may be the Rev, but that doesn't mean I'm immortal."

"Yes it does," He laughed and pulled me tighter.

"Kathrine, there comes a time in life when you need to let everything go. Sometimes things don't go as planned, and you need to work through that."

"I can't let you go, Jimmy."

"I can't- and I won't- let you go, Kathrine. Never. You'll always be my number one girl."

"Next to Leana."

"Next to Leana," He repeated. He brushed the hair of of my eyes and kissed my forehead.

"It won't be the same without you," I started to sob again.

"You're killing me, Kat," He sighed and I shook my head.

"Nothing is fair. I hate life. I hate God. I hate what ever creature put us on Earth. I hate everything!" Anger had built inside me now, and I had jumped out of the bunk.

"You don't mean that, Kathrine," He whispered. I noticed that he had been silently crying. His blue eyes glossy with crystal tears.

"Of course I do! This is all fucking bull shit! I've been through hell and back and I can't even catch a break!? It's just one fucking thing after the other!" I was screaming, but Jimmy didn't stop me. He sat in the bunk, watching me.

"What are you talking about?" He asked, but I was too wrapped up in my rant to even notice.

"I can't believe someone would have to go through this shit. It's not fair! I thought I had done nothing wrong in my life! So why the fuck am I the one being punished for everything!" My voice was cracking at how loud I was being, and I was sure people outside the bus could hear me.

"Can you calm down, Kathrine... Please?" Jimmy asked in a quiet voice, but I kept going.

"God has no mercy, does he? It's just one thing after the other! I lived seven months in pain and now you're going to leave me!" I pointed an accusing finger at him, "You're going to die in a few months and nothing can stop that! Not the band, or the fans, or Leana! Everything will seize to end and I'll be stuck here on this God-forsaken planet!"

My hands flew up to the sides of my head, above my ears, pulling at my hair as I dropped to my knees. I screamed in pure agony as memories flooded back. Everything from my parents' divorce, to Elizabeth's murder, to my rape, to Alex's pregnancy, and finally to Jimmy's death. I couldn't handle it. It was so much to take in, and my mind doesn't have the capacity for all of those memories.

"What the hell happened to you, Kathrine?" Jimmy whispered as he slid out of the bunk and onto the floor with me. He sat cross-legged as he pulled me into his lap. I leaned my head on his shoulder, not wanting to let go. He would only be there for a few months, and I had to make the most out of his short life.

"I'm an unbelievable mess," I muttered and he laughed.

"Maybe, but messes can be cleaned, Kat. Just remember that."

"Not when it's stained too deep," I replied softly.

We remained quiet for a while, and somewhere within the silence, Dad had walked through the doors. The guys stood behind him, either crying or sorrowful looks in their eyes. The thought of their beloved brother to be gone from them so quickly could only take so much from them. It would be hard, I know, to overcome the obstacles life threw at us. For the most part, I didn't want to live to see it.

"C'mon, Kat. Let's get up to bed," Dad tried tugging at my elbow to pick me up off of Jimmy, but I kept my arms locked around him, "Kathrine," Dad sighed.

"Don't worry about it. It's been a lot for all of us," Jimmy paused, "I'll stay with her tonight."

Dad didn't object. He simply kissed my forehead before nodding to the other guys to leave us be. I saw them walk off the bus from over Jimmy's shoulder. I shuddered at the thought of someone like my uncle being confined to a dark box for eternity.

"You all right, Princess?" Jimmy asked softly, rubbing my back out of comfort.

"Not really," I muttered and he sighed.

"Life's funny isn't it? They'll take the drummer out of his world, but leave the rapist to live," He shook his head and my eyes snapped up to him.

"What do you mean rapist?" I glared.

"I don't know," He shrugged, "It was just an expression, Kat. Don't get worked up about it. Besides, you shouldn't be hearing things like that. I'm sorry," He stood up, taking me with him, and lay me in my bunk before heading to his, directly across from mine.

Life isn't fair.

And apparently, neither is Death.