If You Forget Me

I wander these white hallways feeling pathetic and weak. My stomach clenches painfully, because I hadn’t eaten properly these past days. The memories were back, probably because I started feeling again. Because one boy touched a taboo inside of me, one boy triggered me to recall everything, I don’t want to. So small, so fragile how, why, when?

Once upon a time there was a strong boy. He held his head high and laughed loudly at you, not caring what you’ll think of him. His eyes shone from happiness and his life was perfect. He had his own flat, a loving boyfriend, good grades… The life was planned out for him, he was a bird in a cage, but he didn’t care. He lived in his happy bubble enjoying every second of this fabulous life. He wasn’t stupid, he knew what was going on with his lover but refused to believe it, until his boyfriend, his everything, his life line destroyed him, silently and painfully.

Tears rolling down porcelain skin, but I will never admit that they are mine. They are not. I’m not the same anymore, just a shadow of my former self, an ugly skeleton, of whom I’m supposed to be. Letting out bitter laughter, I claw at my skin, leaving more scratch marks on my left cheek, the one he loved caressing and kissing.

I walk, or more like crawl into the room, because I feel exhausted, upset and simply like shit. My eyes wander to the beautiful boy, that left me this morning. I look at my destruction and blink a couple of times, trying to get rid of unwanted liquid, that is bound to spill. And then he rises to his feet. He walks closer and kisses me. Kisses me like there is no tomorrow, kisses me for the last time saying goodbye. The gesture is familiar and I shatter from the inside for the millionth time.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers out pulling away. Each and every letter stabbing at my insides over and over again. Walls crumbling down, eyes widening and mouth parting to let out blood stinging sob. But he never heard it. He stormed of, leaving me bleeding on the sickening white floor for the second time this day. I screamed… I screamed his name out, weeping like a new born baby. I called for him with my heart but he never came. Gasping for breath, because agony is unbearable, trashing on the floor, hitting hard tittles until my palms bleed, hitting my head against walls, stumbling into dead ends.

…
“ Take the pills Jamie!, take them, beg for them…” I can still hear the sick laughter in my head.

“I love you, I love you so much.” I can still feel him breathing lies down my neck.

“I promise, that I will never hurt you again, baby.” As I hear him utter these words in my head, laughter escapes my chapped lips, but it’s followed by none stopping sobs.

“ Lie, lie, always lie.” He taunts me. I clamp my bleeding palms over my ears and scream silently. Pills. There have to be pills somewhere. He always has them. This hell needs to stop, everything must stop. Getting out bag of poison. Swallowing, gagging, puking, swallowing again. Trapped in the nightmare with no way out.
…

I rise to my feet. I need to find him. Wobbly, shallow breathing, wide fearful eyes. He can’t leave me. He’ll never leave me.

Exiting the room, clinging onto walls for support but they turn into black hole, that is sucking me into it. Screaming, I let go and stumble away. Everything becomes normal again and I giggle through freezing tears. Falling, lying on the floor. I need to find you.

Blinking…

Breathing…

Rising to my feet…

Giggling…

Everything’s so bright…

Clinging onto the walls, hitting my body against them…

Stumbling…

Calling for you…

Swaying… To the sound of your heartbeat. The one I heard when we both fell asleep in your bed.

Tangling my bloody fingers in the white hair. Once upon a time it was golden, but now it’s white…

Tugging, tugging so tightly, trying to wake up….

Coughing, choking on my own spit, but the hands, cold hands are always there, always ready to hurt me…

“Christopher?!” I scream but it only comes out as a whisper.

The feeling of soft lips, still present. The bitter feeling of goodbye still eating at me.

Let him go?...

Hiccuping…

I can’t. Shaking my head violently. I can’t.

“Christopher?!” He won’t come. He hates me. He does not need me like I do him.

Breathing heavily, still trapped in the horrible dream world.

I swallowed the pills again…

I believed in my nightmare, I’m overdosed again…

Everything’s wavering in and out of focus.

Wobbling, wobbling…

Falling…

Calling for you…

You never came…

And I just passed out on the sickly white floor of this endless corridor.

And I swear I will never dream again… And I swear, I will never be the same again.