If You Forget Me

Do you know what night terror is? Maybe you had one? Then you probably know the feeling. The one, when your eyes are bloody red and hurt like hell. The one, when you catch yourself dozing off and then pinch the flesh painfully, trying to wake up. I was kneeling down in the corner of the sickly white room with plush walls. My eyes were burning from the lack of sleep and I had a horrible craving for heroin. My body was shaking pathetically and loud gasps echoed through this horrible place. I couldn’t feel my arms anymore, because they forced me into a straitjacket.

Collapsing onto the soft floor, crying and laughing at the same time. He left me. They left me. I left me. Completely gone, insane, crazy… And I’ll never be the same again. Three days, three bloody days I spent here. Trapped in a cage like an animal. I forgot about anything and everything. About the sound, because it was deadly silent in here, about the sun, because only neon lights shone upon my broken body, about the beautiful boy with crystal emerald eyes. No, no… I still remember him. Remember his heart beat, his soft breathing and face features but never the name, never the voice. He left me and his scent won’t be lingering on my pillow. He left me for good.

If I could, I would have clawed at my face from agony, that is setting everything on fire, but the smart doctors witnessed enough mental breakdowns for the past three days, so the sickly white jacket tamed me. Starring into space I cry, I cry for him, but I can’t remember his name. I call him, but he will never come, because he’s only a fragment of my shattered mind. He won’t rescue me, he hates me, he never even cared. Laughing loudly, through tears, I will be better! Better! I will never be the same again!

Crying myself to sleep is never easy. Seeing Desmond every night is cruel but he is here again. My breath comes out in gasps as he moves closer, tracing my skin softly with his fingertips. Des, my lovely Des, with icy gray eyes and charming smile. I whisper his name quietly, begging him to take me away, but he turns into monster digging his sharp fingernails into my pale flesh. I cry out and his beautiful mouth curves into distorted grimace. Hissing, he hits me and I fall, fall into darkness.

Warm arms wrap around me. His arms, but I still can’t remember the name. My body moves closer and I melt into welcoming embrace. It’s only a dream, I know it is. Who will want to hold onto someone like me? A scum and a drug addict? Who will ever love me? Drowning in the mind blowing scent, searching his body with my bandaged palms, tangling my body with his and just breathing. Breathing in his warmth, his love, him…

I wake up to the sound of two people arguing. My orbs snap open and I sit up abruptly. Small whimpers escape my lips, as I stare at the two boys, who keep on screaming. My frightened eyes widen and like a cornered animal I tremble. Tears roll down, as I put my head in my bandaged hands. Forwards and backwards, forwards and backwards. The rocking is calming, and the shouting stopped. I look up at the two guys, they stare at me intently but I’m so scared. Their voices remind me of Desmond’s. Desmond was bad, he used to force pills down my throat and hurt me, so I can’t trust these guys.

A red head giant comes closer and I scream loudly, clamping a hand over my mouth. Shit! Desmond will be mad, he hates when I create loud noises. Two boys glare at each other and the red head opens his mouth.

“Jamie, they told me, that you weren’t eating again.” Bastian. The voice belongs to Seb! Seb is good. Seb is a huge teddy bear. I blush and look away, because the raven haired guy keeps on giving me weird looks.

“Sorry Bastian.” I whisper quietly, like a small child, that got in trouble and his mother just found out.

“It’s okay but you have to promise me, that you will start eating.” He coos soothingly and I relax. ‘Though when I fully comprehend his words I shake my head violently.

“I-I c-can’t… D-desmond w-will g-g-get m-m-mad.” I stutter out and start shaking all over again. The raven haired boy keeps on asking Sebastian with his eyes. He doesn’t know about Des.

“Jamie, Desmond will never hurt you again, I promise, now go take shower and get dressed, okay? Do you need help?” I shake my head as a no and quickly exit the room. The beautiful stranger is a little bit intimidating.

I wash my body, dry my long blond hair, dress in some clothes and exit the room. Two boys go silent. I blush and look away. They were talking about me. I hate when people talk about me. I’m not even worth it. Still looking at the floorboards I reach Bastian, snuggle into him and fall asleep to the sound of his soft heartbeat. But something feels off, way off.