If You Forget Me
Fourteen
I’m in the bathroom again. My head spins and my stomach turns into knots. I kneel down and vomit every emotion, everything that’s left of me. Hollow, dead, lifeless. My body trembles, as the scalding bile burns my throat. Pale fingers cling onto the toilet, because the agony is never ending. Stabbing me with needles, knifes over and over again. Slowly swallowing my soul.
Scream, I want to scream, but it’s impossible, when you gasp for breath. When your heart and lungs stop functioning and you still try to fight for your existence. It hurts, it hurts so much. Please stop, please leave me alone. But the pain is like blood in my veins, it’s everywhere and anywhere.
Finally I stop emptying my stomach and look up. My eyes widen and I try to cover them up with my hands but I can’t, my body is not responding. Neon letters burning into my skull. You are a toxin. Four horrible words that make everything harder. The agony gets unbearable and I cry out. The words taunt me. The agony increases and I bite my tongue, to stop the howls of pain. Until it gets unbearable and I start banging my head against walls. Harder, faster, stronger. Everything turns crimson and I can’t feel anymore, just smell the pungent scent and gag once again. Lying on the ground motionless, I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and gasp. It’s not me, it’s that beautiful boy, that I saw this morning. Loudly I scream, feeling as my tears mix with blood.
“Jamie, wake up, it’s only a dream.” I open my gray orbs and gasp for air. That boy, that raven haired beauty. Jumping to my feet, sending jolts throughout my tired body. Rushing, searching, screaming his name. Christopher! His name is Christopher. Weeping and trying to run faster. I need to find him. Christopher!
My heart beats wildly, as I choke on the liquid, that’s pouring from my eyes. Whimpering his name hopelessly, God, please don’t let the dream come true. It hurts, it fucking hurts but I can’t stop, he needs me. I need him. He is everything and anything. His is the blood in my system, he is the heart in my chest, he is the breath in my lungs and without him, I’m nothing.
Barging through the sickly white doors. Letting out a petrified scream. Collapsing near the lifeless body and cradling crimson head in my hands. Brushing the hair out of that beautiful face. Putting his head in my lap and letting the tears wash it. Grieving, clinging onto him and praying, praying for everything to be alright.
Screaming out once again as the doctors try to take him away from me. Strong arms capturing my body. Struggling against death grip. Trashing violently and clawing at the person. No, no, don’t take him away from me! Time freezes, my heart stops beating as they carry Christopher out of the room. Sharp needle pierces the skin and my body goes limp. I stare at the red haired giant. He’s not a friend anymore, he’s a traitor. Lying motionless and breathing in one big blur. Too much emotions to handle, so I’m not even feeling anymore. Just starring at his blood. It’s on my skin, it leaves burn marks in my head.
Almost none existent inhaling and exhaling. They put a straitjacket on me and throw me into the white, plush room. I lay still, wanting to disappear, but my wish never comes true. I keep my eyes open, because every time I close them, I see the battered body. Tears stopped falling long time ago, now my body is just trembling at the horrible memories. My hands begin to itch and I flinch realizing, that they are still stained with his blood.
“Christopher?!” I cry out for him. But he’ll never come. “Christopher.” I whisper again and again until my voice is finally gone. My throat hurts, I keep on loosing focus, it hurts again. I part my lips and let none existent screams out. It hurts! It hurts again! I press my face into soft fabric and stop breathing. I need to get out. I need to find Christopher! They can’t take him away from me.
Sebastian rushes into white room and pushes my body upwards, slapping me. Soundlessly yelping, I open my mouth and greedily swallow oxygen glaring at the boy, who returns my evil stare. Finally he sighs and lets me out. He leads me to Chris, who’s soundlessly sleeping. His head is bandaged but he has a smile on his gorgeous face, his dreams must be good. I wish I could feel so blessed and see only pleasant things in my sleep. But every night, I see nightmares and I’ll see them for a long, long time. I’ll see his lifeless body on the dirty bathroom floor for the rest of my life. I will experience the horror over and over again. I will fear for the beautiful boy every passing second on the long gloomy days. And I’ll never be the same again. For the past two days I grew up. I became a stranger, but I’m still changing. "
Sitting by his bed, tracing his knuckles with my fingertips, kissing lines on his palm, swallowing him, with my eyes until I fall asleep holding his hand. Never let him go.
Scream, I want to scream, but it’s impossible, when you gasp for breath. When your heart and lungs stop functioning and you still try to fight for your existence. It hurts, it hurts so much. Please stop, please leave me alone. But the pain is like blood in my veins, it’s everywhere and anywhere.
Finally I stop emptying my stomach and look up. My eyes widen and I try to cover them up with my hands but I can’t, my body is not responding. Neon letters burning into my skull. You are a toxin. Four horrible words that make everything harder. The agony gets unbearable and I cry out. The words taunt me. The agony increases and I bite my tongue, to stop the howls of pain. Until it gets unbearable and I start banging my head against walls. Harder, faster, stronger. Everything turns crimson and I can’t feel anymore, just smell the pungent scent and gag once again. Lying on the ground motionless, I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and gasp. It’s not me, it’s that beautiful boy, that I saw this morning. Loudly I scream, feeling as my tears mix with blood.
“Jamie, wake up, it’s only a dream.” I open my gray orbs and gasp for air. That boy, that raven haired beauty. Jumping to my feet, sending jolts throughout my tired body. Rushing, searching, screaming his name. Christopher! His name is Christopher. Weeping and trying to run faster. I need to find him. Christopher!
My heart beats wildly, as I choke on the liquid, that’s pouring from my eyes. Whimpering his name hopelessly, God, please don’t let the dream come true. It hurts, it fucking hurts but I can’t stop, he needs me. I need him. He is everything and anything. His is the blood in my system, he is the heart in my chest, he is the breath in my lungs and without him, I’m nothing.
Barging through the sickly white doors. Letting out a petrified scream. Collapsing near the lifeless body and cradling crimson head in my hands. Brushing the hair out of that beautiful face. Putting his head in my lap and letting the tears wash it. Grieving, clinging onto him and praying, praying for everything to be alright.
Screaming out once again as the doctors try to take him away from me. Strong arms capturing my body. Struggling against death grip. Trashing violently and clawing at the person. No, no, don’t take him away from me! Time freezes, my heart stops beating as they carry Christopher out of the room. Sharp needle pierces the skin and my body goes limp. I stare at the red haired giant. He’s not a friend anymore, he’s a traitor. Lying motionless and breathing in one big blur. Too much emotions to handle, so I’m not even feeling anymore. Just starring at his blood. It’s on my skin, it leaves burn marks in my head.
Almost none existent inhaling and exhaling. They put a straitjacket on me and throw me into the white, plush room. I lay still, wanting to disappear, but my wish never comes true. I keep my eyes open, because every time I close them, I see the battered body. Tears stopped falling long time ago, now my body is just trembling at the horrible memories. My hands begin to itch and I flinch realizing, that they are still stained with his blood.
“Christopher?!” I cry out for him. But he’ll never come. “Christopher.” I whisper again and again until my voice is finally gone. My throat hurts, I keep on loosing focus, it hurts again. I part my lips and let none existent screams out. It hurts! It hurts again! I press my face into soft fabric and stop breathing. I need to get out. I need to find Christopher! They can’t take him away from me.
Sebastian rushes into white room and pushes my body upwards, slapping me. Soundlessly yelping, I open my mouth and greedily swallow oxygen glaring at the boy, who returns my evil stare. Finally he sighs and lets me out. He leads me to Chris, who’s soundlessly sleeping. His head is bandaged but he has a smile on his gorgeous face, his dreams must be good. I wish I could feel so blessed and see only pleasant things in my sleep. But every night, I see nightmares and I’ll see them for a long, long time. I’ll see his lifeless body on the dirty bathroom floor for the rest of my life. I will experience the horror over and over again. I will fear for the beautiful boy every passing second on the long gloomy days. And I’ll never be the same again. For the past two days I grew up. I became a stranger, but I’m still changing. "
Sitting by his bed, tracing his knuckles with my fingertips, kissing lines on his palm, swallowing him, with my eyes until I fall asleep holding his hand. Never let him go.