If You Forget Me
17
H...h.h...How... The doctors came in at Jamie's hysteria they looked worried. Sebastian walked in and knew what I had done. I struggled to sit up the chains wouldn't come loose. I yelled for them to let me go but they didn't listen, I felt warm liquid running down my wrists as my skin broke under the harsh shackles. I saw them pull the needle of the draw and measure out the dose. I struggled harder.
"No don't, you can’t, it'll hurt him." I said weekly. For once I felt completely week, violated by Jamie's words. I wanted to wrap my arms around him. To hold him when he hurt. I wanted to be there for him when no one else was. I felt his pain. I saw him look at me. His eyes were cold and Grey. They were sapped of all the innocents of all the warmth. There was something there I didn't quite understand. Something I feared.
***
The days were getting to repetitive. They'd taken Jamie away from me again. People came and they left and they smiled the one day this will be you smile and id smile back. Wish me luck, they'd say, knowing that this place was just a relapse away. I walked around like a zombie. Not eating, not talking, and not feeling. I liked this. This numbness. This utter abused feeling of rejection. I lived in it and let it over come me. No longer did I feel the need to breath. To feel my pulse. I knew it was there barely. Just keeping me alive. I was convinced that the pulse was just there to spite me. I felt the throbbing pain in my head. The burn of the stitches pulling tight. I felt the doctor’s scissors when he pulled them out. Id laughed at him. He had looked concerned. Maybe that's why the nurses followed my useless wandering.
I sigh as I looked at the moving hands of the clock. Counting each second of this captivity. Of my borrowed time. I wondered when the person I was borrowing from would get sick of me taking and would stop. I would breathe each breath thinking it my last. These days dimmed. The melted together. The fear I had no longer existed it was a numb sensation of nothing. Dad visited me. We sat at the table and stared at each other. He had lit a cigarette and I had flinched. He said goodbye and I waved and he left. That was the most I’d done in a while.
I listened to the words of the nurses, bickering about whether or not they should tell the doctor. Than the doctor consulting with my physiatrist to see if they should change my pills. But there was nothing that made me talk. Nothing. My dreams were focused on a darkness that I felt. I couldn't imagine this life anymore. I couldn't let myself wrap my thoughts in him. He was someone else's. Why I did this I had no idea. I could have left. I could have run. I should have run. But I stayed and I let myself fall further than before. Wandering around looking for the light at the end of the tunnel wasn't going to happen. It wasn't going to let me live. For the light was a boy. A beautiful damaged taken boy. I knew I loved him. I knew this borrowed time was so that I could help him and nothing more. So I would wait. I would wait for him and I would help him than I would lie down and die as was my fate.
"No don't, you can’t, it'll hurt him." I said weekly. For once I felt completely week, violated by Jamie's words. I wanted to wrap my arms around him. To hold him when he hurt. I wanted to be there for him when no one else was. I felt his pain. I saw him look at me. His eyes were cold and Grey. They were sapped of all the innocents of all the warmth. There was something there I didn't quite understand. Something I feared.
***
The days were getting to repetitive. They'd taken Jamie away from me again. People came and they left and they smiled the one day this will be you smile and id smile back. Wish me luck, they'd say, knowing that this place was just a relapse away. I walked around like a zombie. Not eating, not talking, and not feeling. I liked this. This numbness. This utter abused feeling of rejection. I lived in it and let it over come me. No longer did I feel the need to breath. To feel my pulse. I knew it was there barely. Just keeping me alive. I was convinced that the pulse was just there to spite me. I felt the throbbing pain in my head. The burn of the stitches pulling tight. I felt the doctor’s scissors when he pulled them out. Id laughed at him. He had looked concerned. Maybe that's why the nurses followed my useless wandering.
I sigh as I looked at the moving hands of the clock. Counting each second of this captivity. Of my borrowed time. I wondered when the person I was borrowing from would get sick of me taking and would stop. I would breathe each breath thinking it my last. These days dimmed. The melted together. The fear I had no longer existed it was a numb sensation of nothing. Dad visited me. We sat at the table and stared at each other. He had lit a cigarette and I had flinched. He said goodbye and I waved and he left. That was the most I’d done in a while.
I listened to the words of the nurses, bickering about whether or not they should tell the doctor. Than the doctor consulting with my physiatrist to see if they should change my pills. But there was nothing that made me talk. Nothing. My dreams were focused on a darkness that I felt. I couldn't imagine this life anymore. I couldn't let myself wrap my thoughts in him. He was someone else's. Why I did this I had no idea. I could have left. I could have run. I should have run. But I stayed and I let myself fall further than before. Wandering around looking for the light at the end of the tunnel wasn't going to happen. It wasn't going to let me live. For the light was a boy. A beautiful damaged taken boy. I knew I loved him. I knew this borrowed time was so that I could help him and nothing more. So I would wait. I would wait for him and I would help him than I would lie down and die as was my fate.
♠ ♠ ♠
soo wow its been a year since any update and i need a new cowriter for Jamie anyone up for it?