If You Forget Me
Four
I wake up quivering. What just happened? My head hurts and I groan from pain. The nurse rushes in the room and gives me frosty glare. I flinch and try to cover my face with my hands, but it’s hard to move. The drug is still in my system, and God damn it, you can’t even imagine, how much I hate it.
The girl’s voice is loud. The shrill sound of it pierces my ears but it’s only the drug. After using heroin and rimonabant everything changed. All colors became neon, sounds louder, thus why it hurts to be in a bright room, thus why I get easily scared by booming noises. And probably it’s also because of the insomnia. I seriously am pathetic.
My lips part and I let a small gasp out, as the nurse touches me. Calm down Jamie, it’s just a nurse. She is not going to hurt you. Calm down. I even out my ragged breathing and let the girl help me up. My legs give out from under me and I almost collapse, but luckily I’m a skinny bitch, so she manages to catch me just in time.
I put all of my weight on her, while she drags me to the place, where we eat. It hurts to walk, to breath, to exist. Every time my feet collide with the ground, I whine, because it feels like I’m stepping on glass shards… My vision blurs and I’m no longer moving, just being dragged there like a motionless rag doll.
We enter some kind of dinning room and I breath a sigh of relief, when I see, that there are only four or five human beings in here. The girl gives me a plastic tray. My hands tremble but I try not to drop it. She hates me already and it will anger her even more, if I create a mess. The nurse leads mo to the farthest table and I fall into the hard plastic chair. Then she finally leaves me alone.
I pick up the fork in my left hand and frown. One more imperfection… Left handed freak. My frail body stiffens, when I hear that taunting voice in my head. People come inside and I shrink in my seat, trying to hide. To stay invisible. No one should look at me. I am disgusting. I clench the fork harder, as tears bite at my eyes. I won’t let them fall. I won’t. My dead, gray orbs stare at the unappealing slosh on my plate and I shudder at the mere thought of food. Food. The stupid food is the cause of all this shit.
…
”Take the pills Jamie…” He utters.
“What for?” I reply puzzled. My smile widens, as I stare at the beautiful boy standing in front of me.”
“I said, take them!” He demands and I scowl. What’s gotten into him?
“Why?”
“Because you’re fat!” He spits it out and I scowl. I look into huge mirror and narrow my eyes. What is he talking about, I’m average. “Don’t kid yourself, just take them Jamie. I don’t want to date such a fat pig as you.” He growls out and I let the tears spill. Why is he hurting me. I shake my head violently but he has had enough of me. Strong arms grab my neck, preventing all the air flow into my lungs and I open my mouth, trying to breath, however the pills are forced down my throat and I choke, choke like a maniac, clinging onto bed for support.
“Good boy.” He pats my head, as if I am a dog.
…
I let a quiet sob out and push my small body harder against the spine of the chair, as though trying to disappear.
“Christopher would you come with us please.” Christopher? I lift my head up but quickly look down again. What is Christopher doing here? And why is the nurse and the doctor here? I hadn’t done anything wrong. God, please don’t let them stab me again. Loud crashing noises fill the tense air and I flinch almost reaching out and covering my ears. It hurts, it hurts so much.
“Hey mister stalker dude.”
“Rachel.”
“Chris.”
“No, I can’t go with you and nursey.” Chris answers softly and I relax. His voice is soothing and sends warm tingles down my spine.
“Come on Chris, it doesn’t have to be difficult.”
"Christopher, and no it doesn't, you could go away." The comment makes me snicker under my breath.
"Christoper... It’s important."
"Why?"
"Its about your mum."
"What about mum?" He sounds tired, defeated and I want to reach out and touch him, make everything better.
"Christoper can you come with us." Again the stupid question.
"No. What about mum?"
"You should go with them Christoper." The nurse hisses out. I don’t like her. She’s a snake.
"Tell me what’s happening with mum!” I whimper, hearing anger in his voice.
"She’s dead." The nurse growls out and I freeze on the spot. My eyes widen and for a moment I stop breathing. They exchange a few sentences and then Christoffer storms of.
Shakily I rise to my feet and cling onto tables for support. My weak body holds onto walls as I try to track him down. Couldn’t they be softer? It was painful loosing relatives, and mother?.. I sigh sadly, imagining the agony he is feeling now.
A loud groan echoes through the hall and I quicken my sluggish pace, ‘though it’s not easy. I find him kneeling on the ground and starring of into space. Carefully, as if not to disturb him, I place my hand on his shoulder but he doesn’t react. Bad, this is bad. I drop to the ground and hug his body tightly. We sit there for God knows how long, me hugging him and breathing down his neck and him just starring of into space.
“Jamie let go of Christoffer.” The doctor shouts. He thinks, I’m hurting him. I quickly stumble down and fall. Crystal emerald eyes capture mine and we both sit there drowning in each other’s gazes. The doctor clears his throat and this is when I stumble to my feet and run. Run for my dear life.
The girl’s voice is loud. The shrill sound of it pierces my ears but it’s only the drug. After using heroin and rimonabant everything changed. All colors became neon, sounds louder, thus why it hurts to be in a bright room, thus why I get easily scared by booming noises. And probably it’s also because of the insomnia. I seriously am pathetic.
My lips part and I let a small gasp out, as the nurse touches me. Calm down Jamie, it’s just a nurse. She is not going to hurt you. Calm down. I even out my ragged breathing and let the girl help me up. My legs give out from under me and I almost collapse, but luckily I’m a skinny bitch, so she manages to catch me just in time.
I put all of my weight on her, while she drags me to the place, where we eat. It hurts to walk, to breath, to exist. Every time my feet collide with the ground, I whine, because it feels like I’m stepping on glass shards… My vision blurs and I’m no longer moving, just being dragged there like a motionless rag doll.
We enter some kind of dinning room and I breath a sigh of relief, when I see, that there are only four or five human beings in here. The girl gives me a plastic tray. My hands tremble but I try not to drop it. She hates me already and it will anger her even more, if I create a mess. The nurse leads mo to the farthest table and I fall into the hard plastic chair. Then she finally leaves me alone.
I pick up the fork in my left hand and frown. One more imperfection… Left handed freak. My frail body stiffens, when I hear that taunting voice in my head. People come inside and I shrink in my seat, trying to hide. To stay invisible. No one should look at me. I am disgusting. I clench the fork harder, as tears bite at my eyes. I won’t let them fall. I won’t. My dead, gray orbs stare at the unappealing slosh on my plate and I shudder at the mere thought of food. Food. The stupid food is the cause of all this shit.
…
”Take the pills Jamie…” He utters.
“What for?” I reply puzzled. My smile widens, as I stare at the beautiful boy standing in front of me.”
“I said, take them!” He demands and I scowl. What’s gotten into him?
“Why?”
“Because you’re fat!” He spits it out and I scowl. I look into huge mirror and narrow my eyes. What is he talking about, I’m average. “Don’t kid yourself, just take them Jamie. I don’t want to date such a fat pig as you.” He growls out and I let the tears spill. Why is he hurting me. I shake my head violently but he has had enough of me. Strong arms grab my neck, preventing all the air flow into my lungs and I open my mouth, trying to breath, however the pills are forced down my throat and I choke, choke like a maniac, clinging onto bed for support.
“Good boy.” He pats my head, as if I am a dog.
…
I let a quiet sob out and push my small body harder against the spine of the chair, as though trying to disappear.
“Christopher would you come with us please.” Christopher? I lift my head up but quickly look down again. What is Christopher doing here? And why is the nurse and the doctor here? I hadn’t done anything wrong. God, please don’t let them stab me again. Loud crashing noises fill the tense air and I flinch almost reaching out and covering my ears. It hurts, it hurts so much.
“Hey mister stalker dude.”
“Rachel.”
“Chris.”
“No, I can’t go with you and nursey.” Chris answers softly and I relax. His voice is soothing and sends warm tingles down my spine.
“Come on Chris, it doesn’t have to be difficult.”
"Christopher, and no it doesn't, you could go away." The comment makes me snicker under my breath.
"Christoper... It’s important."
"Why?"
"Its about your mum."
"What about mum?" He sounds tired, defeated and I want to reach out and touch him, make everything better.
"Christoper can you come with us." Again the stupid question.
"No. What about mum?"
"You should go with them Christoper." The nurse hisses out. I don’t like her. She’s a snake.
"Tell me what’s happening with mum!” I whimper, hearing anger in his voice.
"She’s dead." The nurse growls out and I freeze on the spot. My eyes widen and for a moment I stop breathing. They exchange a few sentences and then Christoffer storms of.
Shakily I rise to my feet and cling onto tables for support. My weak body holds onto walls as I try to track him down. Couldn’t they be softer? It was painful loosing relatives, and mother?.. I sigh sadly, imagining the agony he is feeling now.
A loud groan echoes through the hall and I quicken my sluggish pace, ‘though it’s not easy. I find him kneeling on the ground and starring of into space. Carefully, as if not to disturb him, I place my hand on his shoulder but he doesn’t react. Bad, this is bad. I drop to the ground and hug his body tightly. We sit there for God knows how long, me hugging him and breathing down his neck and him just starring of into space.
“Jamie let go of Christoffer.” The doctor shouts. He thinks, I’m hurting him. I quickly stumble down and fall. Crystal emerald eyes capture mine and we both sit there drowning in each other’s gazes. The doctor clears his throat and this is when I stumble to my feet and run. Run for my dear life.