If You Forget Me

I run down these sickly white corridors, stumbling into people. Ignoring their nasty remarks, ignoring painful throbbing in my chest, ignoring blush on my face, ignoring thoughts, that make me feel like shit. My breathing quickens and I curse myself for being so stupid. After what happened with that monster… After all that shit, I promised not to get involved! I promised to stop feeling. But I can’t. The boy with soft raven hair and crystal emerald eyes is slowly destroying me. Every wall, that I built up inside of me, every defense is crumbling down, collapsing, perishing! I can’t let him in. I can’t let anyone in.

Suddenly my body just stops. I focus my teary eyes on the door and shudder. Bathroom… Puking, swallowing, drowning. Bathroom brings scary memories, but I have to hide. Sluggishly I enter cleaning supplies reeking room and lock myself into one of the stalls. My back presses against the wall, as I try to melt into it. My heart hammers against my ribcage, because I can hear his footsteps. My overactive imagination is playing tricks on me. Fear makes everything clearer and brighter, but because of the long drug use, it’s as twice as it should be. I cover my ears with my hands but it’s no use. Tapping still sounds like explosions, white doors burn my eyes. Blunt nails digging into skin, wide opened mouth letting out silent shrieks. Nothing… Nothing… It got stuck in my throat, just to choke me. I remember his hands on my neck. Caressing it softly and then squeezing so tightly, killing me slowly and painfully. And I flinch. With every passing second I just whimper and flinch at the memories, because they’re haunting.

Numbly I slide down the wall, until my body hits the ground. Bones collide with each other and it seems like earth quake. Tears finally spill form my horrified eyes, as I let gasps slip through slightly parted lips. Golden, almost white locks clinging to the sticky flesh. It’s blood! It’s blood on my face! Get it off! Please get it off! I’ll be good, I promise to swallow the pills! But it’s still there, thus why I scratch at it, leaving small wounds on my left cheek. My body trembles, as I feel pain. So much pain. Who could have known, paranoia actually hurts.

As the statement fills my mind, I smile. Breathless cackle erupts from my mouth and my eyes deform into something terrible. Snake slits with so much hate, hurt, anger, furry and poison in them. And for a moment I stop caring, because I become my worst nightmare. For a moment, I just let go and relax, but it never lasts long, heroin gives you pleasure only for a little while, it gives you a way to escape the reality, however the price is not worth it. I’d rather live like this, than with that sadist. I’d rather die, I don’t care anymore.

I wish that was true. It’s not. I do care, just this morning I didn’t, but one boy changed everything. His soft voice, the pained look in his eyes, the gentle smile. It’s like breathing again. It’s like seeing again. I’m feeling again. Although is it good? No. He’s the one that makes me feel warm, but he’s also the sun and everybody knows what happens, when a moth finally reaches it. He’s my destruction, my beautiful end, the last letter in goodbye. He will kill me. He will kill me cruelly and I will experience the agony all over again.

My body collides with the wall as someone opens the door to the next stall. It’s not safe here anymore. I need to go. And with these thoughts I rise to my feet. Wobbly I reach the door and exit it. Snake lady hisses something at me and guides me to my new room. Her venomous words mean nothing at all, because they are too loud to understand, too distorted. I just bob my head up and down, letting her drag me again. Soon enough we reach the room, roughly she pushes me inside and leaves.

I look around. A window, two chairs, a dresser and two beds. There’s someone sleeping in the bed near the window, so in order to not to disturb my new roommate, I quietly take off my clothes and climb under cold covers. I shudder at the unwelcoming feeling. It is as if I am swallowed by something, the slime is seeping through my pores and I drown in it. But I have to stop. Uncontrollable trembling will wake my roommate and I don’t want to get in trouble. I don’t want to get beaten up again.

I relax, my eyes flutter closed, welcoming feeling of drowsiness greets me and I smile. Do you know that feeling, when you are sleeping but actually not, when your body is completely relaxed but your mind is still working full force? I love it. It’s better than heroin and every possible drug in the world. It’s better than kisses, hugs, warmth of the blankets…

A loud scream startles me and I sit up in bed. The voice is familiar. I look up… Christopher? His eyes are wide form fear and the face is set into a miserable frown. The boy is breathing heavily and quivering. Slowly I crawl out of my bed and carefully approach him, hoping that I won’t frighten him even more.

“Christopher, is everything alright?” I ask in a whisper, but he stays quiet. His beautiful eyes captivate mine and I move closer. My small body climbs into his bed and I wrap my arms gently around him. Christopher’s body slowly relaxes and he lays down. Once again I smile and fall asleep curled against his hot body.