I Want Someone to Love Me for Who I Am

Even after Cameron had left that night, I still couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. My parents asked me why I was so happy, but I didn't tell them. I didn't know how they would react to me telling them I liked boys and not girls. I hoped that they wouldn’t care, but I couldn’t be certain. That night as I lay in bed, I kept thinking about Cameron. I compared my life from before I met him, to now. And I realised just how much happier he had made me. I wondered if I'd made a similar impact on his life, but he never spoke of his life before he met me, so I didn't know.

The next day, dread settled in my stomach as I realised that Cameron wasn't here. I internally freaked out when he missed morning registration. What if he regretted what happened between us? What if he was ashamed? What if he wished it had never happened? I think I could cope not having him as my...boyfriend. But not having him as a friend...that would be hell.

All day I prayed that he would turn up, saying he was at the dentists or the opticians or something. But when the bell rang at 4 o'clock and he still wasn't in school, I knew something was up. I selfishly hoped that he was ill and that was why he couldn’t be in school. I hoped it had nothing to do with me. But something, some part inside me, told me that it was because of me. Butterflies flitted in my stomach until I finally arrived home and was able to phone him. He didn't have a mobile, so I phoned his house, praying that someone would answer. On the third ring, the call connected. "Hello?" a woman said.
"Um, hi, is Cameron there please?" I asked, hoping my nerves weren't betrayed by my voice.
"Yeah," she said and I heard a rustle as the woman took the phone away from her ear. "Cam! Phone!" I heard her shout in the background. Only a few seconds later, Cameron's voice flowed from the phone.
"H-Hello?" he said hesitantly.
"Hi, it's Andrew," I said, feeling the need to tell him in case he didn't know.
"Hey," he said but his hesitancy didn't disappear.
"What's wrong? Why weren’t you in school?" I asked him.
"I...I'm sick," he said and I could easily tell he was lying.
"Really, well, maybe I should come over there," I suggested. I knew I was being a jerk, but I didn't know how to react. He was avoiding me. "Maybe I could look after you?"
"No!" he said quickly. "No, um, it's okay. I'm just going to get some rest..."
"Cameron..." I whispered. I could feel the beginnings of tears in my eyes. I didn't understand how it could be so perfect one day, and then so disastrous the next. I could sense how uncomfortable Cameron was but I didn't want to hang up yet. "Are you coming in tomorrow?" I asked softly.
"I don’t know...depends how I feel," he said and I nodded. Depends how he feels... What if he decided he felt disgusted with himself for what happened between us? What then? Will he just not come into school anymore, just to avoid talking to me?
"Fine," I said and slammed the phone back on the cradle. Tears pricked in my eyes and then started to roll down my cheeks. I heard the front door open and shut, telling me my mum was home, so I quickly ran up the stairs and into my room. I couldn’t believe I'd lost my only friend in just a few short months. And all because I had to go and tell him how I felt about him. I couldn’t believe I'd ruined this so quickly.

I sighed as I sat on my bed. Maybe I just wasn't meant to have friends. Maybe, for some horrible reason, I was meant to be alone. I lay flat on my back and looked out the window at the sky. It was grey, perfectly reflecting my mood. If God was real, why did he destine me to have this life? Why couldn’t I have been popular or attractive? Why did he have to make me this way only for me to suffer because of it? There must be some reason...but I couldn’t think of one. No matter how long I lay there, staring into the heavens, I couldn’t think of a reason as to why God would give this sort of life to an innocent child.