Dying Memories
Dying Memories
Breathe. Deeply. Steady. Careful. Concentrate on breathing. Inhale. Exhale. Oxygen in, carbon dioxide out. Eyes close. No, open. Keep eyes open. Ignore the craving. Don’t succumb. Body begs for sleep. Sweet sleep. Ignore. Don’t listen. Stay awake. Eyes open. Resist....
Pain. Sharp and intense. Spreading all over. Seeping to the bones, the brittle bones. Crushing, crumbling bones. One touch and they will deteriorate. One more ache and they will disintegrate. One move and they will shatter. Into thousands of pieces, like glass. Millions of shards. Like diamonds.
Diamonds. A diamond. Reflecting light from every angle. A diamond on a silver band. A ring. So simple, so elegant, so perfect. Your sharp intense blue eyes are full of hope. Burning with anticipation. You wait, expectantly. Yes or no? One word, one answer. To change my future. To change everything. My answer: Yes. Your eyes, they widened in disbelief. Yes. Your smile spread wide, capturing what your eyes couldn’t believe. Love. Can you believe in love now? I can’t. I loved you. But what’s there to believe in? I love you. But how much can you truly love someone? I believed in love. But how much can you believe in a person? How much can you even know them? I still don’t know.
In and out. In consciousness. Out of consciousness. In now, just for a while. Sleep. I crave sleep. Just a little rest. Just close the eyes and slip away....
Goodbye. I hate goodbyes. You stood before me, those eyes again.... just beautiful. Is this love? It felt right. How can anyone really know? Your fingertips gently brush my cheek. You lean in, soft lips touching mine. Tender. Passionate. Meaningful. The perfect goodbye, more than words can say. That kiss, that moment felt infinite. Then you pulled away. You pulled away from yourself, no longer the man I fell in love with. Or were you always that man? How can anyone really know?
Goodbye. And you were gone. To war. Proud German soldier. Fighting for the nation. I was to be proud of my brave soldier husband. Proud.
I was ashamed. You killed men. Innocent men. Morse shockingly, women. More inconceivably, children! My husband. The brave soldier.
Gasp. Air. Oxygen. Breathe. Steady. The weight on my chest, crushing. My lungs collapsing. So fragile, a body so brittle. The monitor beeps, steadily. Breathe in rhythm with the monitor. Beep. Breathe. Beep. Breathe. Careful. The bones steadily ache. The pain incomprehensible. Strength.... Keep strong....
Strength. I was so strong. Bravery. I was braver than you....
Sleep. Slip away. Fade out. Escape...
Bags packed. Time to escape. No more waiting, no more hiding. I’m not afraid. Death won’t catch me. Three am. Perfect. Quietly, escape into the night. One man on the border. His eyes dark but warm. I handed him the money. 300 deutsche marks. He gave me the passport, the birth certificate. New identity. New life. Then I escaped to Amsterdam. Goodbye to Germany. Goodbye my old life. Goodbye to you.
“I think she’s ready to go.” They say, gathered around my bed sombrely. I try to reply yes. Free me. But my throat is closing, my chest tightening, breathing is difficult. “Say goodbye.” My son says. My wonderful son. I want to say, I love you. But I can’t.
A hand on my hand. Delicate and small. A child. My grandchild. So sweet. So innocent. Little angel. “Goodbye Granma.” She says. Soft lips on my cheek. Goodbye grandchild.... goodbye.
New life. My new life. New husband. His gaze, glorifying green. Though lost, his focus always seemingly misplaced. Maybe I was never what he wanted, just like he wasn’t what I needed. He was never you. He was gentle, sweet, kind, the perfect gentleman. But that was never enough. Nothing ever felt enough after you.
Then my son. Kurt was born. Courteous. He married, supposedly happily. But how can anyone really know?
Then my princess. My little angel. My Ariella. Named by me. My grandchild named after my own grandmother. Ariella. My Jewish grandmother. Ariella. My little grandchild. Ariella....
“Ariella,” I spoke. Strained and coarse. I spoke. More, tell her more. “Never forget....” Sleep. It’s time. I think. How can anyone really know? I still don’t know. Sleep. Just a little rest. A little sleep. Rest the bones, so brittle. So weak. Just sleep now....
Sleep.
Pain. Sharp and intense. Spreading all over. Seeping to the bones, the brittle bones. Crushing, crumbling bones. One touch and they will deteriorate. One more ache and they will disintegrate. One move and they will shatter. Into thousands of pieces, like glass. Millions of shards. Like diamonds.
Diamonds. A diamond. Reflecting light from every angle. A diamond on a silver band. A ring. So simple, so elegant, so perfect. Your sharp intense blue eyes are full of hope. Burning with anticipation. You wait, expectantly. Yes or no? One word, one answer. To change my future. To change everything. My answer: Yes. Your eyes, they widened in disbelief. Yes. Your smile spread wide, capturing what your eyes couldn’t believe. Love. Can you believe in love now? I can’t. I loved you. But what’s there to believe in? I love you. But how much can you truly love someone? I believed in love. But how much can you believe in a person? How much can you even know them? I still don’t know.
In and out. In consciousness. Out of consciousness. In now, just for a while. Sleep. I crave sleep. Just a little rest. Just close the eyes and slip away....
Goodbye. I hate goodbyes. You stood before me, those eyes again.... just beautiful. Is this love? It felt right. How can anyone really know? Your fingertips gently brush my cheek. You lean in, soft lips touching mine. Tender. Passionate. Meaningful. The perfect goodbye, more than words can say. That kiss, that moment felt infinite. Then you pulled away. You pulled away from yourself, no longer the man I fell in love with. Or were you always that man? How can anyone really know?
Goodbye. And you were gone. To war. Proud German soldier. Fighting for the nation. I was to be proud of my brave soldier husband. Proud.
I was ashamed. You killed men. Innocent men. Morse shockingly, women. More inconceivably, children! My husband. The brave soldier.
Gasp. Air. Oxygen. Breathe. Steady. The weight on my chest, crushing. My lungs collapsing. So fragile, a body so brittle. The monitor beeps, steadily. Breathe in rhythm with the monitor. Beep. Breathe. Beep. Breathe. Careful. The bones steadily ache. The pain incomprehensible. Strength.... Keep strong....
Strength. I was so strong. Bravery. I was braver than you....
Sleep. Slip away. Fade out. Escape...
Bags packed. Time to escape. No more waiting, no more hiding. I’m not afraid. Death won’t catch me. Three am. Perfect. Quietly, escape into the night. One man on the border. His eyes dark but warm. I handed him the money. 300 deutsche marks. He gave me the passport, the birth certificate. New identity. New life. Then I escaped to Amsterdam. Goodbye to Germany. Goodbye my old life. Goodbye to you.
“I think she’s ready to go.” They say, gathered around my bed sombrely. I try to reply yes. Free me. But my throat is closing, my chest tightening, breathing is difficult. “Say goodbye.” My son says. My wonderful son. I want to say, I love you. But I can’t.
A hand on my hand. Delicate and small. A child. My grandchild. So sweet. So innocent. Little angel. “Goodbye Granma.” She says. Soft lips on my cheek. Goodbye grandchild.... goodbye.
New life. My new life. New husband. His gaze, glorifying green. Though lost, his focus always seemingly misplaced. Maybe I was never what he wanted, just like he wasn’t what I needed. He was never you. He was gentle, sweet, kind, the perfect gentleman. But that was never enough. Nothing ever felt enough after you.
Then my son. Kurt was born. Courteous. He married, supposedly happily. But how can anyone really know?
Then my princess. My little angel. My Ariella. Named by me. My grandchild named after my own grandmother. Ariella. My Jewish grandmother. Ariella. My little grandchild. Ariella....
“Ariella,” I spoke. Strained and coarse. I spoke. More, tell her more. “Never forget....” Sleep. It’s time. I think. How can anyone really know? I still don’t know. Sleep. Just a little rest. A little sleep. Rest the bones, so brittle. So weak. Just sleep now....
Sleep.