Cruel Intensions: Being Inside the Mind of a Young Serial Killer

Hannah sat on the window ledge, staring out at the trees. The black of the night was fading. Another night gone. The start of another day without Josh. She couldn't imagine how could live through it.

The line from the notes whispered through the back of her mind. The words crept over her skin like bony fingers.

ignorance is not innocence but SIN. i had a little sorrow; born of a little SIN.

Cold fear twisted inside her and she trembled with the longing for someone to take it away.

Paul lay sleeping, sprawled facedown in the center of the bed, arms flung wide, claiming the entire mattress as his own. She wondered if he would go through his same routine when he woke up. She wondered what had happened to the two of them. She closed her eyes and pictures them each in separate row boats on a sea that tossed them farther apart with each wave. In her mind, she reached out for him but his back faced her and he didn't turn around.

Loneliness tightened like a fist in her chest, crushing her lungs, crushing her heart. God, i'm not strong enough to get through this alone...

She presses her hand to her mouth to hold back a cry of helplessness and need, and ached inside at the thought that she wouldn't even share this with her husband, the father of her children.

Things have been so different when Josh was a baby. Paul had been different. He had been proud of her. she had never doubted his love. He had looked at Josh and seen the chance to be the supportive, loving father he'd ever had. He had looked at his wife and seen an equal, a partner, someone he could love and respect.

Now Hannah looks at him and sees a bitter, selfish man, jealous of her success, and resentful. She wondered what had become of the man she had married, wondered if he was as lost to her as Josh.

Oh God, I didn't mean to think that! I don't believe he's gone. I won't believe it.

ignorance is not innocence but SIN.

Loneliness, fear, guilt, hurtled through her. Panic closed her throat. She forced herself to her feet and paced, forcing herself to think, to plan. It took every molecule of strength she had to keep herself from crumpling to the floor. Gritting her teeth, she fought against the need to double over.

One foot in front of the other, in front of the other, in front of the other... Step, step,step,step, turn. Step, step, step, step, turn...

She paced the floor. The cold seemed to seep through her skin and tissue to her bones.

So cold... Is Josh cold? Cold and alone. Ice cold. Stone cold...

"What are you doing?"

Hannah jerked around at the sound of Paul's voice. Her hands were like ice.

"I couldn't sleep."

Paul swung his legs over the edge of the bed and sat up with the comforter pulled across his lap. He looked older, harder, lines of anger and disappointment etched into his face. He sighed and turned on the lamp and looked at the alarm clock on the nightstand.

"I have to do something today," Hannah announced, surprising herself as much as him. The word echoed in her mind and hardened with resolve. She stood a little straighter. She wanted- needed to get back something of herself. She was accustomed to taking action in the face of a crisis. Action at least proved the illusion of control. "I have to get out of this house. If i have to sit here for another day, I'll go crazy."

"You can't leave," Paul said. He tossed the covers back and got up. "You have to be here in case they call."

"You can answer the phone as well as I can."

"But I have to go out to help with the search parties-"

"No, Paul, I'm going out."

He gave a bitter laugh. "What do you think you're going to do?" You think you're going to save the day? Dr. Harrison to the rescue. Her husband can't find their son, but she will?"

"Oh, Jesus Paul!" She snapped, flinging her arms down to her side. "Why does everything have to be about you? I'm so sick of this jealousy act act of yours, I could scream. I'm sorry if you feel inadequate-"

"I never felt inadequate," he barked. "I meant that you don't believe anyone can do anything as well as you."

"That's absurd." She turned her back to him. "You've been out the last two days looking for Josh. Why can't you see that I need that chance too? Why can't you-"

The rest of the question died as a wave of emotion surged through her.

"We used to share everything," she whispered, her eyes on his reflection in the mirror. "We used to be partners. As horrible as this is, at least we would have shared the burden. God, Paul what happened to us?"

She heard him sigh, but she didn't turn around or meet his gaze in the mirror. She was afraid that what she would see on his face would be impatience instead of regret.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, stepping up behind her. "I feel like i'm losing my mind. I feel helpless. You know what that does to me. I need to feel like I can make a difference."

"So do I!" She swung around to face him, her expression a plea for understanding. She looked into his eyes, trying to find the man she had married., the man she had loved. "I need that too. Why can't you see that?"

Or don't you care?

He looked away as Lily started to cry in her room. "Yea... go ahead," he said softly. "I'll stay with Lily for a while."

"She'll ask where Josh is," Hannah murmured. "It's been three days..."

She dragged a hand back through her tangled hair as the fears surged up inside her again. "God, the things that go through my mind... Is he asking for us, is he cold, is he hurt? Paul, what if he's-"

"Don't!" He pulled her roughly into his arms. "I don't want to think about it," he whispered.

He was trembling. She pressed a hand over his heart and felt it race.

ignorance is not innocence but SIN.