Given

The plain blue car pulled up to the curb in front of the library. A girl got out into the rain with just a notebook and a pen. She walked up the steps slowly, letting the rain soak her faded jeans and short blond hair. The heavy wood door shut lightly behind her as she entered the dim interior. The librarian smiled at her and she smiled back. They did not need words to communicate. The dampness of the air could still be felt inside. Her safe-haven was an old building, but she loved it none the less. The main source of light was usually the tall drafty windows on the north wall, during the summer light would pour in illuminating the dust and throwing tall shadows on the bookshelves where Drayden always sat. With an overcast sky the light would come from a lamp at the front table as it did today. Drayden liked the rain. It added the smell of dampness to the usual scent of old paper. She walked to her table at the back of the room. The library was its usual quiet atmosphere. A man with short spiked hair looked through the paranormal section, and a boy her age was leafing through a comic book. Other than that the library was deserted. She tried to imagine what sounds they would be hearing. She willed herself to hear them too, the rustling of paper, rain on the roof, a car on the street, anything. But her world was silent, as it had been for the last two months.

Flashback
Sunlight filtered through the trees casting shadows on the dirt road ahead of them. Just her, her mom, and the road. Taylor Swift was blaring through the radio.

Our song is the slam of screen doors…

“Please mom! Turn it off! Even silence is better than this!” She put her hands over her ears, exaggerating her hate of country music.

“Oh come on De, it’s not that bad. Or would you rather have a heartfelt mother-daughter talk?” She asked with a laugh.

“Okay I’m good with Taylor,” she said abruptly.

Her mom laughed. “You should have seen your face at that De. Don’t worry I won’t put you through that kind of torture.”

They both laughed at that, and her mom agreed to change the radio to something ‘middle ground.’

Her favorite Paramore song had just come on as they reached a sharp corner. She did not see it but she heard it. Another car came hurtling around the corner. She heard the screech of the tires as the brakes protested and her mothers scream. Then silence.

Her mother was fine.
The ‘other guy’ was fine, drunk but fine.
And she was not fine. She was deaf.
The silence would be forever.
End Flashback

Every day for the last month Drayden had come to the library at 4:00 for her ‘peace time.’ It was what the therapists called it, to help her cope with her new disability. Everyday she came and sat at her table. Occasionally she would pull out a book to read or turn to another page in her notebook. There were drawings on several pages but not much, it was nothing fancy just random doodles. The majority of her notebook was blank lined pages. Those pages served a purpose.

Drayden had always been fascinated by the power of words. The old saying holds true: “The pen is mightier than the sword.” When she was in middle school she would read old classics, Mark Twain and Shakespeare. She always wanted to write something like theirs. Not necessarily something on the lines of the stories with hidden meanings and mind-numbing dialog but something that would be remembered. She wanted to be remembered, remembered for more than the-girl-that-can’t-hear.

On days like today, she wanted to leave. She wanted to scream and hear it echo off the empty walls. She wanted to blast music in her ears and feel it. She wished she had not taken it for granted. All the sounds that made her smile, seeing someone laugh and hearing someone laugh are too much of a different thing.

The librarian tapped her shoulder, startling her out of her thoughts. When she could not hear there was nothing to bring her out of her day dreams. Are you okay De? You look pretty spacey, she signed. The librarian was a godsend. She was teaching her parents sign language and letting her have her time in the library. I’m okay, she signed back. I just have a headache. It was amazing how fast one could pick up sign language when suddenly it was their only form of communication.

“Are you okay De?” The question circled her mind. The four words repeating over and over again, thinking louder and louder until it felt like she was screaming them out for everyone to hear. The three people still moved around her, still hearing what she was not, still unaffected by her silent screaming. Are you okay De?

She often wondered about her nickname, De. De in Latin was a prepositional ablative phrase meaning down from, down, about, concerning, etc... She was npt sure how to get ‘De’ from Drayden. The way everyone said it, it should probably be spelled ‘Day.’ And here I go again, she thought. Just obsessing over little stupid things to forget what’s really on my mind. She put her head down on the table. It was smooth and cold, it helped her pounding head.

Tears formed in the corner of her eyes. She did not even try to hold them back. What was the point anymore? She did not want to live like this. To never hear anything, just silence, to be drowning in silence, forever. I just want to end it she thought. Take all my pain away. The thoughts filled her head, relief, a second chance, to forget, to just stop everything. Stop thinking, to stop hurting.

She walked into the bathroom, looking for her relief. Locking the door behind her she searched for the bottle of Advil she knew would be in there. She swallowed two, wondering if it would help at all. Why not just take all my pain away? She thought. She counted 16 white pills in there. Plenty. No one would ever remember her, and that feeling, it hurt. She was no more than the deaf girl who could not handle it. She did not leave a note, she did not think about her parents, it would've hurt too much. She did not say sorry, even though she was. She did not start having second thoughts. She took the pills and rammed them down her throat, without bothering to look for the better. She tried not to think, not to feel anything, she wanted to fade away as part of the blackness filling her head, just fading away. Her knees gave out and she hit the floor without feeling anything.

This was what she wanted, to never feel again, a second chance, to start again. Her head was pounding, she could not see anymore, her heart was beating so fast it felt like it was about to break out of her chest. This was her last breath, her last day. She did not say goodbye.