A Dismal Day for Love

Gerard leaned his head against the bedroom window of him and his wife’s room. It was a rainy dismal day outside, ironically reflecting how Gerard felt inside. The cold air outside fogged up the glass on the window adding more confusion to his thoughts. Gerard and his wife, Lyn - Z, had gotten into a heated argument shortly before she had left to go to work. She quickly stormed out before Gerard had a chance to apologize. After all, it was his fault to began with, and he felt miserable inside. All he wanted to do was say sorry, but he knew even those words couldn’t mend the things that he said in the heat of the moment.

Gerard moved away from the window and went downstairs to the kitchen and living room. The bright yellow paint of the living room was a contrast to Gerard’s usual preference, but all Lyn - Z had to do was flash that adorable smile of hers, and Gerard said what the heck to it, sure. (Not to mention, the yellow paint went well with her adorned yellow jacket.) He walked past the sofa and into the kitchen. A sad look came upon his face when he saw the coffee pot was empty. Usually, Lyn - Z had a nice warm cup waiting for him, but it was different today. It was one of the little special things that made Gerard love her more and it hurt him not to see the small pot of coffee there for him.

He tore himself away from the kitchen and went back into the living room. He plopped down on the leather sofa and let out a tremendous sigh. Gerard glanced up at the clock above the TV mantel and saw that it was ten minutes to three. Lyn - Z should be home in a couple of minutes. Instantly, thoughts in his mind went racing.

“What should I say? How should I apologize? I said some really mean things to her. I hope she knows I didn’t mean any of it. I hope she remembers that she’s the love of my life. Oh what have I done?”

Gerard quickly snapped out of his thoughts when he heard the front door’s knob being turned and then the sound of the creaky door opening. He got up and turned around to see Lyn - Z awkwardly standing there twiddling her fingers and looking nervous. Instead of looking mad like Gerard thought she would be, she actually looked somewhat scared.

“Urm.. Hi Gerard,” she said lamely. A smile appeared on her face but it went away as fast as it came.

Gerard felt awful inside. Why did he say those hurtful things to her last night? Why wasn’t she standing there mad and demanding a heartfelt apology? It’s because she’s not like other women, she’s…. just Lyn - Z.

“Lyn - Z…. I’m sorry,” Gerard said while trailing off and looking at her. Her brown eyes were wide and innocent looking, making him feel even worse about the situation than before. “I know I said some mean and awful things to you last night, but babe, believe me when I say that I didn’t mean any of it. I was just mad and frustrated. Give me a chance to say what’s left of my pride. Just hear me out baby,” Gerard quickly added when he saw the expression etched upon her face. It was a look of disgust and pure shock.

“Gerard, I hear you loud and clear,” Lyn - Z said in a commanding and confident tone of voice and looking directly in Gerard‘s face. “I understand that you want to apologize and I see that you’re very sincere and all, but it still doesn’t cover up the things that you accused me of last night. I was so hurt by it. What made you even think those God awful thoughts anyway? You really hurt me by those smart remarks. But there was on that stuck out the most to me. One of your crazy ideas. No, it’s not the one where you accused me of taking your money. No, it’s not the one where you accused me of being a slut. It’s the one where you accused me of cheating on you. Not just with anybody, but your own brother Mikey. What kind of stupid thought is that Gerard.? Answer me that please. Do you honestly think that I would have an affair and not just with anybody, but you’re only brother? Come on, Gerard. I swear sometimes you don’t think,” she finished with a defining look on her face. Her arms were folded against her chest, her knee was poked out, and she was looking at Gerard with an intense expression.

Gerard’s confident veneer faltered and he was left speechless. Everything she said was true, as much as he hated to hear them, they were the honest truth. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He looked up ashamed and saw her still looking and expecting an answer.

“Huh? As soon as you say something Gerard, then I’ll think about it. Do you know how I feel right now? No you don’t. I’m really sorry if I’m coming off like a bitch and all, but I’m so confused at the moment. I’m simply wondering why you said that stuff to me last night. Just please say something to me Gerard to let me know you still care or something,” Lyn - Z finished with an almost pleading tone. “Please Gerard, something. Unless you don’t care anymore.”

“I….,”Gerard began. “I do care Lyn - Z. Don’t ever forget that. I love you more than anything in the world. I just don’t know what made me think those things. I guess it’s because I still wonder sometimes how I manage to get you and call you my wife. Why did you fall in love with me? I’m a nobody really. But look at you, you’re a gorgeous young woman who has so much going for her in life. Me? I’m a nobody. I think about this every goddamn day. Please tell me girl, is the grass greener on the other side? Is it Lyn - Z? How’s it feel to be so perfect and all?”

Lyn - Z’s facial expression went from understanding and listening to one of confusion. “What Gerard? Did you just ask me if I was perfect? Are you serious? What would possibly make you think something like that? Why can’t you just understand that I love you Gerard? I love you and only you, nobody else. I don’t understand how you can stand there and say that you’re a nobody. You seriously can’t mean that. I guess you don’t listen to anything I say.”

Gerard looked at her and turned his head. This conversation wasn’t going anywhere. Everything he said backfired on him and he was in an even bigger mess than before. He took a seat on the kitchen stool and placed his elbows on the kitchen counter. He ran a hand through his thick hair before turning around to face his wife once again. “What do you want me to say Lyn - Z? Everything I’m trying to say comes out wrong. It’s all my fault, I understand. I’m sorry. Okay? I’ve been trying to say this since the beginning and I guess every time I say it, it’s wrong. So there it is. Sorry,” Gerard finished in an exasperated voice. He was tired of fighting and wanted it to be over. “Fuck, I need a drink,” he mumbled.

Lyn - Z’s eyebrows rocketed up her forehead. “Gerard? Are you drinking again? What’s wrong with you?”

Gerard mentally slapped himself in the face. Why did he have to say that? “No Lyn - Z. I’m not.”

“I’m worried about you Gerard. You seem different,” Lyn - Z said slowly and carefully choosing her words. Each thing the both of them said ended up making an even bigger mess and she was tired of it. She wanted it to be over and forgotten. To forgive and forget, basically.

Gerard on the other hand, however, had different plans. He stood up from his seat, pocketed his carton of cigarettes in his breast pocket, and grabbed his car keys. He walked to the door, grabbed his jacket, and slung it over his broad shoulders.

“What? Wait a minute Gerard. Are you going somewhere? Where?” Lyn - Z said in a panicky voice. He couldn’t just leave because he wanted to do.

Gerard let out a laugh. He was tired and didn’t feel like talking about the problem on hand anymore. “I’m just going out somewhere. Don’t worry… I guess.”

With his last few words to her, he turned around and walked out of the door. Lyn - Z stood there silently waiting for any moment for Gerard to pop in laughing and say that he was just joking around with her. But he didn’t. Instead, she heard the car ignition start up, and the sound of car tires speeding.

Lyn - Z didn’t know what to do. This wasn’t happening. Her legs gave out beneath her and she fell limp to the floor. Tears began to fall out of her dark brown eyes, much like the rain drops that were continuing to fall to the ground outside. Thoughts ran in her head and it was giving her a headache. One thought, though, stuck out to her the most. She knew that it was the truth.

Gerard was not coming back.