Save You

There was a slight sound of the aluminum smashing in my hands, changing shape to a compressed version of a can. When my palm started aching I loosened my drip of the crap piece, letting it fall on the floor and dance on it with a slight metal noise. Once the sound was gone there was silence again. I held my hands together and gripped hard, trying to take the mental pain away with help of physical one. My sight was locked with my own hands and I could focus on nothing but fear. My mind traveled months back, remembering everything I could never forget.

"Are you alright?” I asked looking at the pale figure in front of me. She took a small group of her newly dyed black hair and placed it behind her ear. I watched as her hand went from her hair back to her lap, and then looked back at her hazel eyes. She hasn't been feeling well lately and I've been worried.
We've been on the road for four months in a row, over a year with breaks. Val has been touring with us since the last break we had. "I want to go home” she said quietly, her voice dancing in the air gently. "I'll talk to the guys and we will stop the tour.” I said with a nod, knowing we only have one month left of touring.
Before I got to get up she shook her head. "You don't need to” she said slowly, her lips moving in slow motion. "Do you want to go alone?” I did not like the idea of it, but I've already learned that some things are her decision and not mine. She nodded slightly with a long blink. I brought my head closer to hers and placed my lips on her forehead, closing my eyes. "Just a little warm, but I don't think you've got fever” I reported, ripping my lips off her skin. "I'll go book you a flight” I said as I got up. "Are you pregnant?” I asked after a few steps. I looked at her, waiting for an answer, not knowing which one I prefer.

"No, thanks.” Zacky's voice reached my ears as my mind went back to the present. "Matt?” a female voice called my name, making me to look up. Leana was standing in front of me. Her eyes were looking at me warmly and I could tell that she tried to look alright but truth was that she looked as if she hasn't slept in so long. Which is pretty much true, none of us had a good night of sleep lately. Her eyes were looking at me as if she was waiting for me to say something. Maybe answer a question I was asked? "I'm sorry, what?” I said quietly, trying to keep a steady voice. "Would you like something to eat or drink?” she repeated her question with a forced smile. It's not like it was a fake smile, because it wasn't the case, she was just trying to make things easier for me and thought a friendly face would be easier to talk to than a crying face. And she was right. "Coffee sounds good.” I answered, feeling my voice shaking slightly. I let my head fall back down as I ignored the noises around. There were still some talks around before I heard footsteps and the silence was back.

"Matt, we need to talk” Val said as she grabbed my hand. I quickly followed her, leaving everyone else in the living room as she led us toward our bedroom. We just got back from tour and I invited everybody to our house, to party with some of our local friends. "What's wrong?” I asked as she sat on our bed. Just one look in her face made my chest fill up with bad feeling. Something wasn't right and I could sense it was too serious to be counted as nothing.
"I…” she started as my heart missed a bit. "You are what?” I asked nervously, finding her pause too long. "I haven't felt any better since I got back home” she said. I didn't like the preview before the news that were coming my way but I couldn't rush her to talk. The look on her face claimed it was hard enough without me being impatience. "And I went to see a doctor and we did some checks” her voice started shaking as her eyes were fighting a tear. The bad feeling I had was growing bigger and bigger. I was afraid of what she might say as well as I wanted her to speak already.
"They found the problem last week” she finally said, taking deep breathes. I felt as if I was about to explode, too many thoughts went through my mind. It can't be that serious, right? If it was that bad she would have told me before. She wouldn't wait a week until I came home, she would ask me to come back early.
"They found cancer tumor”

"There you go” Leana's voice threw me back into reality as a cup of coffee was handed to me. I wrapped my fingers around the cup; warmth filled my palms and burned me slightly. I took a sip of the hot liquid and felt it burning my tongue and all the way down my throat.
Why didn't she tell me she wasn't feeling well the whole time? Why did she wait until I came back from touring to tell me that? Why did she have to wait so long to get things started? Why didn't she let me do everything as quick as possible, for her? So many questioned ran in circles in my mind,

"Guys, we need to tell you something” I said with a steady voice. It was just a few days after I found out, but I did not want to waste any time. I wanted to start with Val's treatment right away. Val on the other hand didn't want to do anything until everyone who needs to know would know. So in order to make things move, I gathered her best friends in the house.
No one was smiling; my facial expression was serious enough to shut anybody up. Val looked at me as I wrapped my arm around her. I told her that I would be the one telling them, she told me that it would be hard for her. "Val…” I started but decided the sentence I had in my mind was not the right one. I tried to change the order of words before speaking again.
"I'm sure you all noticed that Val hasn't been feeling so well lately.” I kept a steady and tried to not show everything I felt inside. "We…” I continued talking but again, figured my planned sentence wasn't the best one to use. "The doctors succeeded to find the problem.” I said and took a deep breathe before I continued. "They found-” I felt my voice starting to betray me as I tried to keep it steady "-tumor of-” my voice kept shaking and there was nothing I could do about it. I closed my eyes. "-caner.” I finished, my eyes closed with my hand on top of them.

Hot liquid hit my legs, causing me to open my eyes immediately. "Fuck!” I cursed, realizing I spilled my coffee on me. I put the cut down and rubbed the area. Hell yes that hurt, I just fucking burned myself. Some tissue was offered to me and I took it, trying to dry my pants.
"Are you alright?” A voice asked from next to me.

"Matt, are you alright?” Val asked me from her bed. She's been in the hospital for two months now, and things didn't seem to be getting any better. "How can I be alright when you aren't?” I answer, a frog blocking my throat. I wasn't even trying to hold the tears anymore. Every time I saw her I broke down crying, and every time I was forced to be distanced from her, I cried even more.
It broke my heart to see her like that. How was she? She was the palest person I have ever seen. The skinniest figure I have ever been around; I could see every bone in her body. Her hair was getting thinner with every day that passed by. It simply kills me to see her like that, to watch her slowly fading away and being able to do nothing but pray. She didn't deserve that fucking disease.
"I love you” she said quietly, it was closer to a whisper. I shook my head. "Don't do that” I said quietly, looking at her. She was blurry, but that was my fault. "Do what?” she asked but we both knew she knew what I was talking about. "Don't say goodbye. Don't give up”
She didn't need to say anything, her eyes spoke for her. "Val, you're the most amazing person I have ever met. If anyone could pull through this, it's you. You've gone through so much in your life, you can do it!” I said with tears, trying to help her get some faith, trying to help myself get some faith.
"You go through every single thing in your life, except for one.” Her whisper gave me chills. "And that one thing, would be the last thing you'll ever do.” She added. Even there, so weak, she was so smart.

"It's just a stain” I said, shaking the memories away. I put the empty cup down on the floor with the empty can from earlier and rubbed my eyes. It was 2am, no need to say I was tired. "Matt you should go to sleep.” Leana said but I just shook my head. There's no way in hell I am getting any sleep right now.
Trying to keep thoughts away from my head I let it fall down again and rested my forehead on my hands, causing my hat to fall down to the floor. I didn't even bother to pick it up, what's the point?

When I entered the house I saw that everybody was already in the living room. Everybody would mean Zacky, Jason, Brian, Matt, Johnny, Michelle, Gena and Lacey. I sat down on the floor, seeing both couches were taken, and waited to see why Jimmy and Leana wanted us all to meet here instead of the hospital.
A minute later a tall figure walked into the living room, along with a short one. They were both smiling and were wearing hats.
"I've been thinking-” Leana started talking as she stood in front of us. Jimmy had his arm wrapped around her as he looked at her proud. "-we've all noticed how Val has been losing hair and I thought we could show her some support.” Instead of explaining, she simply took her hat off. I blinked a few times as Jimmy took off his hat as well; they both have shaved their heads.

"There you go.” I heard Johnny's voice as my hat was picked off the ground. I nodded and thanked him as I put it back on my head. I looked in his eyes just for one second before looking back down. His eyes were shining red, hopeless look in them. It reminded me I wasn't the only one going through this shit. And it wasn't a good thing, neither was it bad. I don't know, it's confusing, everything is so damn confusing.

I looked through the little window in the door before walking into the room. I wanted to check if she was asleep, if I'm even allowed to come in.
Once inside the room, I walked over to her bed and kneeled down next to her. She smiled to me weakly, and it made the first tear come to my eye. I couldn't help but let it slip down my face as I looked at her. "What's with the hat?” she asked. It was hard for her to talk, but she wouldn't admit it; not to me. When I'm in the room she always tries to stay strong and act stronger than she is. But I know how she's really doing, and I know that when she's alone with Jimmy she let herself break down completely. Jimmy always tells me about it, I asked him to.
"It's for you.” I whispered and took it off, placing it on top of her bald skull gently, careful not to hurt her as if I could break her. I slightly smiled as I let her look at me. "Your hair…” she said quietly. "Shh…” I tried to make her stop talking. "You don't need to say anything.” I told her softly, trying to stop her from any unneeded effort.
I heard the door open and knew everybody else came into the room. They were all wearing hats.
Val's eyes widened slightly as she watched her best friends standing in front of her. When she shook her head slightly, my heart missed a bit. She looked so breakable that I was afraid by every tiny move she made.

"Matt you gotta calm down” Brian said quietly and I realized I was just walking back and forth. I can't take this anymore, I need to know. I need to get out, but I'm too afraid to miss anything. I need some fresh air. I need this to be over. I need her to be okay. I need her.
I took deep breathes, trying to relax. But that was a helpless try, nothing could make me calm down until I know what's fucking happening here.

A cell phone ringtone woke me up. I've been sleeping for half an hour only, been trying to fall asleep for three hours before that. It has been six months since the cancer was found. I quickly opened my eyes and answered the phone, already feeling what's going to happen.
As expected, I was told to get to the hospital where Val was staying. In two seconds I was out of the house, making sure to let the guys and Val's parents know on the way to the hospital.
I was the first one to get there, of course, after driving like insane on the road. The doctors didn't tell me much, just that she was doing worst and they're trying to take care of her. They said I will get to see her once she will be safe. When I asked if she would make it through the night I didn't get an answer.
Half an hour later everyone started to get there, I informed everyone about the situation. And there we were sitting and waiting in the fucking hospital.

Finally, after over two hours I've been here, a doctor came toward us and didn't seem to be about to ignore us. I jumped off my sit and walked toward him, quickly followed by everybody else. "Is she alright?” I asked as soon as I got to the doctor. "Can I see her already?” I asked another question, seeing he doesn't answer. Before the doctor got to say anything Jimmy and Leana appeared next to me, each of them half hugging me from both my sides. I felt my nose tickling before a tear made it to my eyes.
"I'm sorry” the doctor said, as my breathes slowed down dangerously. "No.” I mumbled, shaking my head.
"We did everything we could but she didn't make it through.” The doctor said calmly as I felt something burning inside of me. I felt emptiness filling me, taking everything away from me. All I heard now was a ring and my head was spinning.
"Come on Matt, let's get you out of here.” A distant voice said as I shook my head. "I'm not going anywhere without her.” I said, trying to go to the room I've spent the past months inside. "Matt she's not here anymore!” Another voice claimed loudly.
I slowly slipped off Jimmy and Leana's grip until my body hit the floor. I was on my knees, out of breathe. I didn't know what to do; I didn't know what to think.
This can't be real. This can not be the end.
"Matt…” voices kept calling my name but I ignored them. I closed my eyes and let the tears slip away, carelessly. I felt like thousands blades went through my heart. Like it was ripped right out of my body and I was left alone to bleed.
Two man gripped my arms and made me get up, walking me out of there. I didn't try to stop them; I just let them take me from there. I didn't care what happened around me, not anymore.