Gaunt

December 14, 2009

There was snow on the ground.
Scent of
gingerbread in the air.
Baked
sugar cookies with
red frosting and
green sprinkles.

Look
but don’t touch.

The Christmas music
in the grocery store
and the Santas
on the corner,
ringing their begging bells,
remind me that I am

so alone.



December 25, 2009

Glazed ham and
empty laughter.
Stockings stuffed with
mascara
and chocolate bars.
She says I’m looking
frailer than ever
as she serves a dinner for ten.
“Thank you.”

By now I’ve
almost forgotten
how to chew.
Fill myself with
apple cider
between each bite.

silent night, holy night
Spend my merry Christmas
with my face buried in porcelain
all is calm
a mask of salt water
and mucous.
all is right
The only gift I
ever wanted
sleep in heavenly peace
is the only gift
I’ll never get.

sleep in heavenly peace.



January 1, 2010

Bacardi Grand Melon:
my one friend.
Burns my throat,
fills me up,
throws me up,
makes me feel
okay.

Shot after shot,
I counted down
the last ten seconds
until the
new year,
until
another end.

And as the ball dropped
so did my stomach.
Ran to the bathroom and
my face hit the toilet.
But it was when my
head hit the floor,
my heart stopped,
lungs collapsed and
brain shut off.

Dead in heavenly peace,
and I thought:

All I ever wanted
was to be

gaunt.